Friend makes little digs

[Irritatingmen]

I’m buying a house and have been a bit cagey about the price (because I’m receiving help) and also so as not to tempt fate. I haven’t found anywhere yet.

i am very close to my friends and we talk about a lot but one keep asking quite personal questions - how much is your salary? Whats your budget? What are you looking for?

I know that she wants to buy a house with her partner but I don’t know her salary, where they are looking, what their budget is and she’s keeping it all close to her chest. Fine but then why push me.

Anotehr friend of mine has recently bought and randomly volunteered how much they paid and what the process was like. I mentioned to first friend and she said, oh yes I like it when people are open about things, it’s so much nicer isnt it than being secretive. I smiled and said yes that’s true but I guess it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it and still looking - said I thought my other friend could now be more open given they were out the other side.

Am I being over sensitive or would others be annoyed about this too? It seems like double standards a bit

It's your business while you're looking. I wouldn't think to ask someone's budget if they were buying a house unless they'd ask me to help. Once you've bought it the price will be public knowledge anyway.

I think a lot of people are quite relaxed about it particularly as it's so easy to look up these days. I have always discussed rough budget with friends. We are all open about having help too.

Thanks, I am receiving a fair amount of help which I would admit to but don’t really want to quantify as it’s not fair on the people who are helping - it’s knowledge of their finances basically and they’re private people.

she won’t tell me how much she’s on or what her budget is so I don’t feel desperate to share. I also think it’s rude to ask and not share!

YANBU not to want to discuss financial matters with friends, resist your friend’s enquiries and be irritated by the dig. That’s not ‘secretive’.

It was inconsistent of you, though, to gossip with the friend about your other friend’s finances.

You are allowed to be open or private about any aspect of your life, including finances. A real friend would have the tact and discretion to understand that.

Yes it's definitely weird to ask you share and not share herself.

We all shared what help we had because it's completely obvious we couldn't have got on the ladder without it.

I don’t think it’s a sign of close friendship to be secretive. Funny how you don’t mind gossiping about other people’s financials. But you clearly understand the triggers for her ‘digs’ and you seem quite smug about how much better off you are, so if you have any kind of care for her, just forgive it and move on.

Maybe she will tell when you do?

Thanks, I am receiving a fair amount of help which I would admit to but don’t really want to quantify as it’s not fair on the people who are helping - it’s knowledge of their finances basically and they’re private people

Come on now OP...Let's be real
you don't have to tell anyone anything.... but its a bit odd not to and this is not the reason.
You could very easily just say great aunt Sally died and left me a million and your friend wouldn't know the difference.

Given you dont want to discuss it your best bet is to refrain from raising the subject of house hunting - just be quiet and get on with it!!!

Separately, you arent alone. Very few want to admit generational wealth and bank or mum and dad, everyone wants to pretend they are self made and did it on their own.
in reality....my friends living in £2m pound properties dont have to tell me their parents helped...it's obvious...

ALSO you dont sound like you are actually friends with this person / you like each other.

Absolutely this
Stick to your boundaries
She's one to keep firmly at arms length -she pushing your boundaries here.

I bet she is a gossip also and your information will be shared.

I always have a firm money is private rule
People either want to know so they can borrow/ take advantage or they will judge/ hate you if it's more than them.
Green eyed monster !

Phrases
How much do you earn?

" enough to keep the wolves from the door"
" more than a penny less than a million"
If they press it
Then a firm
" no comment" and a hard stare

I didn’t gossip! I just said I liked that she said. Maybe that was wrong of me. I didn’t gossip at all.

You liked that she said what?

And even if you can frame it as not gossip! its most def hypocritical

If she asks again I might be inclined to say that I’d thought about what she said before and think being secretive is much nicer. I’m imagining she gave you an insipid smile when she said it so do the same.

Sharing information about salaries, investments including house purchases, to me, is unnecessary and can cause bad feelings. No one needs to know. It’s not as if they can look for property for you, you have exactly the same access to estate agents and know exactly what you want.

Nosey people might want to work out your finances and they might be able to estimate from the house you eventually buy, but there is absolutely no good reason why they need to know that stuff

You wanted to keep your financial information private and were irritated by your friend’s enquiries about it - fair enough. Inconsistent at best and possibly even goading to praise the other friend for sharing her financial information to the friend enquiring about yours.

And it certainly was gossiping: ‘it’s nice that Julie’s house purchase has gone through. She told me how much it’s cost her, which was open of her’

And it certainly was gossiping: ‘it’s nice that Julie’s house purchase has gone through. She told me how much it’s cost her, which was open of her’

You’re both just very different- I’d be more your friends’ style, talking about it but I get everyone is different

Well if you don’t want to share your deets, then they aren’t really friends, they’re just acquaintances. Unless you call people you don’t trust “ friends”?

I didn’t tell my family how much equity I got from my house sale and how much of that I was using, they don’t know how much I earn either. They knew how much my house was costing because it’s online for all to see but all the other info is irrelevant to them. I trust them completely but it’s my business and they don’t need to know any of that information.

I wouldn’t share the ins and outs of my business with anyone whether I’m in the middle of it or completed it. It’s no one else’s business but mine

Yes, that’s your answer, that’s your norm. On a discussion forum there are many different norms. Amongst my family and friends we would wonder why you are so cagey and what you were hiding from.

When Ms. Nosey Parker asks then just say- “You go first, matey, or is just that my finances can be public knowledge, but yours are a state secret?”

Could it just be that she’s also in the process of buying a house and having a friend to chat about financial side and the stresses of moving might be beneficial to her?

Maybe because you are cagey you are getting anxiety about these questions you are believing your friend has malicious intent in her questions.