Friend makes little digs

[Irritatingmen]

I’m buying a house and have been a bit cagey about the price (because I’m receiving help) and also so as not to tempt fate. I haven’t found anywhere yet.

i am very close to my friends and we talk about a lot but one keep asking quite personal questions - how much is your salary? Whats your budget? What are you looking for?

I know that she wants to buy a house with her partner but I don’t know her salary, where they are looking, what their budget is and she’s keeping it all close to her chest. Fine but then why push me.

Anotehr friend of mine has recently bought and randomly volunteered how much they paid and what the process was like. I mentioned to first friend and she said, oh yes I like it when people are open about things, it’s so much nicer isnt it than being secretive. I smiled and said yes that’s true but I guess it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it and still looking - said I thought my other friend could now be more open given they were out the other side.

Am I being over sensitive or would others be annoyed about this too? It seems like double standards a bit

You are perfectly entitled to keep your finances private. I think it's beyond rude to ask how much someone earns. And I completely agree, the people who are helping you have a right to privacy too. If word gets out that they helped you they will probably get asked by others for help too. Do them a favour and keep quiet about their help.

Edited to add, if she doesn't stop asking you just dig back and tell her you like it when people respect other's financial privacy. She sounds annoying.

Yet this friend isn't open, is she? She's just being nosy.

@MounjaroMounjaro not sure what confused you about my post

There’s nothing secretive about expecting other people to respect your privacy. Tell her that. And tell her to stop being so bloody nosey while you’re at it.

i am very close to my friends and we talk about a lot but one keep asking quite personal questions - how much is your salary? Whats your budget? What are you looking for?

The salary question is the only one I'd consider out of order there.

The rest just sounds like an interested friend.

Anyone can work out how much you are paying for a house so it's hardly a secret. But asking what you earn is very rude.

Personally, I'd be happy to say 'We're looking for a 3 bed semi in x area. Mum and dad/granny/great uncle fred are kindly helping us out a bit.' but leave it at that. With a really good friend I would be happy to discuss the budget.

Are you all nosy bleeders?

That’s exactly what I thought

I would take this as a firming up of knowing where your boundaries are. You don't want to discuss your salary or financial details with your friends (I am exactly the same). That also means you do not discuss other people's - even if they volunteered it to you. They told you, no one else - even if you didn't share the specifics.
Then think about how you will gently make it clear that this is your boundary if someone asks (I think most people know not to - that is the kind of information that may be volunteered but never asked?). Less about this individual friend who - yes - does seem to be sending out mixed messages! To a lesser extent so were you though.

@Screamingabdabz thats quite rude.

Where did I say I was better off? I’m not smug and I wasn’t gossiping.

friend of mine has recently bought and randomly volunteered how much they paid and what the process was like. I mentioned to first friend

You’re a gossip.

If you don’t want to tell your friend anything about your own house search and purchase, why are you discussing someone else’s entirely, why even bring the subject up at all if you know it’s going to prompt more of her questions?

It’s almost as if you’re deliberately goading your friend.

Just say you don’t feel comfortable talking about your finances. As to when she says things about it’s nicer than being secretive, point out that she herself isn’t exactly open about it!
House hunting can feel all consuming and hard not to talk about I know!

Why though? What are the benefits of discussing the budget with people/ friends who are not helping you financially? There is no need.

Definitely don’t tell her your wage as she will eventually be able to tell how much ‘help’ you got if you do this

I would probably say my approx budget (if she shares hers only) as they will be able see what you bought the property for eventually anyway

Your friend is very nosey and is probably a bit put out that you may be able to buy a house of around the same value ( guessing) as her and her boyfriend jointly when she probably assumed you wouldn’t be able to

There are many different norms which is why I shared my experience. You basically said someone who you wouldn’t share that information with is not a friend just an acquaintance…. Which is fine if that’s your norm but it’s not everyone’s norm

I guess if she was also looking, she might have wanted to kind of compare notes, or maybe she is just being a bit nosey.

If you've got help but are trying to style it out, it could seem unnecessarily secretive. Lots of people do.

I guess I hope your friends wouldn't act jealous or judgemental if they found that out?

But of course you don't need to say anything. Once you do find somewhere they can look up the price anyway, even if you don't tell them.

She will be able to see the sold price on land registry so you're wasting your time not saying anything.

Have you asked her these questions straight out? If so, how has she phrased her reply?

@PullTheBricksDown it came out randomly that I was house hunting so I didn’t bring it up. I just said I didn’t want to jinx anything. I have since found out she’s doing the same which is completely fine - she mentioned she’d been to viewings a while back so it sort of feels like a double standard. She wants to know everything with my search but is keeping hers secretive.

She just suddenly blurted out, how much are you on by the way? And how much will you borrow? She’s very secretive about finances and has said her partner has lots of money but won’t (which is completely her right) say how much - but is pushing me hard to reveal these things.

She doesn’t talk about her salary, just vague comments about tax bands but does seem to want to know exactly how I’m doing so she can compare I guess?

notbinf wrong with it but I’m of the opinion that you should volunteer first and then ask.

also I wasn’t goading. I don’t think I have any obligation to reveal anything to anyone! Also I’m still working out things like budgets and that’s quite personal.

i have in the past mentioned things like bonuses and she looked shocked and would just say it was a lot. So I quickly stopped. This was after her pushing to know details so I figured out it wasn’t a sensible move

@PullTheBricksDown sorry I didn’t answer your question. No I have never directly asked but she has. She’s quite direct so will just ask lots of personal qs without saying anything herself

Replace ‘secretive’ with ‘private’.

The gossipy/goady bit was raising the topic of your mutual friend’s openness about her finances.

X, I'm not comfortable discussing my financial affairs with you.

This would ping my radar and not in a good way if she's always asking about finances and I'd shut that down. It's weird and there's a smell of an ulterior motive.

I think she’s trying to compare and benchmark herself but nothing good ever comes out of doing that. And I don’t think it will bring us closer together; if anything the opposite.

yes it will be published on sale, in which case she can have a look then. It will be obvious and people can work it out but it’s not something I explicitly want to share e because it’s private. Why should someone know exactly how I’ve financed something.

It's not really about whether there are benefits - I'm just saying I, personally, would be happy to say that if I were in a conversation and someone asked me a direct question.

I'm not saying everyone else should do the same as me. I understand that everyone has different boundaries on stuff like this.