Breach of Alcohol Undertaking Family Court

[Minions2000]

My partner took me to court for alcohol, social and court were involved and I was a week off of obtaining a residency order and my behaviour was detrimental.
The children are now with their dad and we have not heard from social however they have been informed.
I slipped up with the drink to a point where he needed to step in, I had also been issued an alcohol undertaking
We are both as parents working together, to get the help and cause minimal disturbance to the kids.
What will happen?

@PinkyFlamingo I know the mum I am at best, it's been a huge few years so much impact and mental health has played a huge part. A coping mechanism, I have so much I need to face to be the best 100 percent of the time.

Dad admits they need me and I can be with them as much as I want.

I am seeking help now because these blips as I have called them are detrimental and I can't believe what I have done, I hate myself

Is your partner the same person as their dad? I initially assumed they were 2 different people.
I understand your kids want to be with you, but is their dad able to provide them with stable family life? If so then they are best with him while you work to resolve your issues with alcohol.
If he has taken steps to separate from you and go for residency in best interests of the kids it sounds like he is stepping up to do the right thing.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery OP.

@GasperyJacquesRoberts thank you, where did it start with your ex? Was she capable of being a good mum at one time?

I will seek every bit if help, I thought I was ok and made a stupid decision that will impact my children forever and I don't want it to be this way.

@Schoolchoicesucks yes he is the dad, sorry if I'm rambling I'm all over and I know i deserve that.

He moved out but we have never moved on, he is in the process of buying since I remortgaged the house and payed him out.

He is a good dad, not always a good partner we have been through some but they are safe in his care

You need to step away from the minimising language - slips... Blips.. Etc
That is who you are at the moment - an alcoholic who puts alcohol before the kids. You need to cut out the drinking. You cannot have 1 drink.
Your love counts for nothing if you cannot keep them safe. You've let your kids down.
You have the power in you to change things. But you need to accept your alcoholism is your responsibility and that you are not a good mum right now to begin that journey. I wish you luck. Get help, get counselling. Work on being the mum you have the potential to be.

@PicaK I understand that completely, I used it as a coping mechanism, now my children are suffering the consequences of what I have done.

Respectfully though, if your losing your children to alcohol then your not a good mum. It’s the reality. You can’t hid behind the excuse of “im a good mum but…” your not. You’re failing your children and putting them in danger. You need to have a very honest conversation with yourself and accept that you’re not being the mum you should be. Getting help is one thing but being able to have the difficult conversations with yourself island accepting that your failing them and need to do better is what’s will push you through when recovery gets hard (which it will).

@Themomentsheknewshefkedup ill never understand how this became me but I suppose that's part of admitting what alcohol can do to a person especially when it's been used as a coping mechanism.

This is where you need professional help. I suggest you don't even think about any kind of residency until you have at least a year of sobriety under your belt. You need to accept that you can't drink again, ever. Accept that you are powerless over alcohol and go from there.

Working through why you use drink as a coping mechanism and then finding better ways of coping will be key to your recovery.

I am your partner in this scenario and my husband also lost everything, including his life. Stop using minimising language, accept how serious this is and do the work. I wish you well.

My ex was one of the classic middle-class "it's wine o'clock!" type mums. She'd always liked a drink but she was very good at hiding it and it took me a long time to realise just how much she was drinking. What she was less good at hiding was the increasing volatility and abusive behaviours her drinking triggered, I just didn't understand where it was coming from.

Once her drinking became evident and she tried several times to stop, she changed tune and said it was all my fault so I ended the relationship. She moved out, we tried 50:50 care for a while but after several bad drunken situations social services got involved and our children ended up on the child protection register. They lived with me full-time from that point on and saw her when she was sober. Sometimes she was sober for a few weeks, sometimes a few months, once - after being in rehab - she was sober for a whole year. But she always eventually drank again. The older she got the less her body was able to cope and she eventually drank herself to death.

Was she a good mum? That's a difficult one to answer. She had many good qualities. I know she loved our children deeply. But despite knowing what impact it would have on her and our children, she repeatedly chose to drink. The impact her drinking and unreliability had on them was profound. It's difficult to reconcile her good points with the scars she left behind.

I hate to tell you, but if these "blips" are causing you to become unsafe for your kids they aren't just "blips". I think you need to face up to the impact they actually have on your kids and seek appropriate treatment. Sorry to say that a good mum is not a mum who drinks till she becomes unsafe around her own children.

I do hope you sort this out - for your children's sake. I've just seen a girl in my DD's class go through this. There was always an excuse for another relapse. It was never really her fault, she was a good mum, loved her daughter, etc. I can tell you that this poor girl has been really messed up. I am not saying this to be harsh, or to make you feel bad, but because it's the reality of what you are doing to your kids and you are just calling it a "blip". Face up to your issues and the potential damage you can do. And then either fix it or stay away.

@GasperyJacquesRoberts how did your children cope moving with you permanently and did you tell them about her illness?
Thank you so much for responding and I'm sorry you have had to deal with all of this

The minimising language here supports that you’re not in the right place to have your children full time.

“Even one to him is completely unacceptable”. It’s not one, and it’s not to him. You’ve said one turned in to too many. So one is unacceptable, as it’s never one. And it should be unacceptable to you, your kids and anyone listening to your story. It’s not just unacceptable to him.

I don’t want to kick you while you’re down, but you need a significant reality check and shift in mindset. Sadly, you cannot be a good mum and put your kids first and have one drink in your circumstances.

@adlitem This is now my primary concern, I adore my children so much, I will do everything I can to make this as easy in them as I can becaise they don't deserve it.

I am thankful their dad is working on this with me

I really feel for you OP. None of us are perfect parents, partners or people. We all have our flaws and it’s sad to know you’ve succumbed to alcohol to heal your problems. It’s one of those addictions that can creep up on you and is incredibly hard to control once it has you.

BUT it can be done.

Have you had therapy? Would you qualify for rehab? You’re at the stage where you need help, you won’t do it alone. You can’t.

Please reach out for all the help you can get. Now is the time to address this and if you want long term recovery, you need to do it properly with support. Racing to recovery won’t work, you’ll relapse.

You can do this, but recovery needs to become your world for now. Best of luck, for your kids sakes, I hope you can overcome this and find healthier ways to cope x

@Venalopolos i appreciate your comment and have just had a doctor's appointment and told her what happened. Awaiting a duty social worker to contact me to see what happens next for the children

You need to accept the kids need to live with their dad while you get yourself on even keel again. That doesnt mean that you can't see them every day.
You need to accept you have an illness, you can't cure it but you can manage it but it will take time and lots of effort from you.

@Hankunamatata this is absolutely my priority now, if I am well my children get the best version of me and I don't want to be that mum.

They need a mum thats well. You need time and space to get yourself well. Take that time dont rush to get the kids living with you again as that will be a stress trigger iykwim in the way of your recovery.

Good luck. It sounds like you’re doing all you can. I wish you well. You need to remember that you can’t even have one drink. Be the best you, for your kids. Stay strong.

PS the alcohol support forum on here is very supportive - please post on there for specific support with the alcohol

It was difficult at first because of course they missed their mum. But I worked hard at providing them with somewhere they could feel safe, secure and dependable - something their mum often wasn't good at as her reactions would be swayed by her blood/alcohol level - and they thrived. What knocked them was when she was sober and they'd been seeing her regularly for a while and then she dropped off the radar again for days or weeks while she got smashed. That constant element of doubt about what she was going to do next weighed heavily on us all.

I told them the truth but not the whole truth, if you see what I mean. I explained that there are some people who have trouble controlling how much alcohol they drink and that when someone's drunk too much they're not able to safely look after children. I repeatedly reminded them that it wasn't their fault.

I told them about the Social Services intervention but I didn't tell them just how serious it was. if I'd not been able to convince social services etc that I was capable of looking after them on my own and that I could be trusted to shield them from her alcoholism they would have ended up in care. The social worker made that very clear.

I haven’t had a chance to read through all the replies but couldn’t read your first post and run.

if you are at this point, please get yourself into rehab. My ex was pretty much in the same situation as you, I thought he’d never ever be able to remain sober, he did a 6 week residency rehab and he has been sober for 10 years now.

best of luck with your recovery and be kind to yourself x

Echo what some others have said about not rushing at it like a bull in a china shop, you have to process it and do it for yourself as well as the children.

Was the gp useful? They've met other people in similar situations.

Get the help, then go back to sort residency/kids etc. At the moment the drink is more important than the kids - I think you are going to have to give it up entirely whilst they are under 18. No alcoholic who is still using alcohol in any way is a good parent. Sorry if that is hard to take.