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Original poster

Wedding invites - is this bitter of me?

115 replies

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:06

I've been with fiance for 3 years and we are getting married next year.

This year, there has been two weddings in his family where I have not been invited but my fiance has.

Fiance has a large extended family who all live quite a bit away and its difficult to get them altogether (even he hasn't seen his cousins in years).

Am I being bitter to say to my fiance that yes, he should invite his cousins, but we shouldn't be inviting the partners then either, considering I wasnt invited to theirs?

We are having quite a small wedding (50-60 people) and want to try and keep costs down.

Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasnt invited to as his partner).

Should I stick to my guns and insist family members only and no partners or as fiance says, be the bigger person and invite their partners?

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 18/08/2025 08:09

If you’re not going to see them for the next decade why feed them. You can be the bigger person, or a door mat.

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 18/08/2025 08:10

Absolutely don't invite partners. They set the bar and as you want to keep numbers down then thats fair.

Its nothing to do with being a bigger person. It's about your wedding and what you want.

You dont even have to invite the cousins.

scrimblescramble · 18/08/2025 08:11

Yes, I would stick to your guns.. neither of you know them so why would you pay for their meal etc?

Diarygirlqueen · 18/08/2025 08:11

I would not be inviting them.

RosesAndHellebores · 18/08/2025 08:11

I think they were wrong not to invite you but two wrongs don't make a right and I agree with your fiance. He sounds nice.

Right or wrong, now that these partners are married to cousins, they are family and regardless of the past, it would be wrong not to invite them.

Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 08:12

Ask your partner what he wants to do.

ShesTheAlbatross · 18/08/2025 08:14

I wouldn’t invite them because neither of you know them and you’re having a small wedding.

I wouldn’t do it as a “you didn’t invite me so I’m not inviting you” revenge.

I have 20 cousins, I’m one of the eldest and DH has only met some of these cousins once. I wouldn’t automatically expect spouses to be invited when they get married, as that would add such a large number to the guest list.

Original poster
ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:16

Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 08:12

Ask your partner what he wants to do.

He said it only seems fair to invite the partners as they will be married.

But at a huge cost per head, in which we are both paying a wedding 50/50 (and my guest numbers are lower), I don't think its fair to expect me to pay some of their costs, when neither of us know them.

Maybe that's their theory when planning their weddings. Which I completely get and is my theory also, which is why I dont think we should extend the invite.

They also had an opportunity to meet me or have me meet the extended family twice now ahead of my own wedding, but this hasn't happened. Its one of those families where everyone wont be in the same room unless its a big event like this.

OP posts:
Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 08:17

Ask your partner to pay the costs proportionately to his share of the guests then.

arcticpandas · 18/08/2025 08:17

I think it's perfectly fine to match their efforts. In general I'm all for being the bigger person when children are involved but this is just a question of adults. They chose to keep their costs down by not inviting you so surely they will understand that you would do the same. No problem. They might even be relieved not having to go😅.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 18/08/2025 08:18

I would not invite any of them. Why have such rude people at your wedding.?

CrumpledBlouse · 18/08/2025 08:20

As a cost reduction measure, sure. As some kind of wedding tit for tat, no.

For all you know, their logic is the ghastly but often-quoted ‘no ring, no bring’ — in which case you will be automatically invited to any future weddings, if that’s what’s bothering you?

DaisyChain505 · 18/08/2025 08:22

No don’t invite partners. The way I view it is I would invite the partner if they didn’t know anyone else at the wedding because I wouldn’t want them to be alone or left out. But in this situation just invite all the cousins and have them sit on a table together.

Original poster
ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:24

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 18/08/2025 08:18

I would not invite any of them. Why have such rude people at your wedding.?

Because fiance is going to the weddings, so even I think its a bit rude to exclude the cousins from ours in that case - but I think we shouldn't feel bad about excluding partners as they have done so with theirs.

The next one he's going to is 2.5 hours away and he has to stay up for the night with his family as its too far to come home that night (which will mean me looking after all our pets, two cats and a dog plus get son off to school and work that day from home).

OP posts:
Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 08:29

Just get him to pay in proportion to the % of guests from his side. So if he wants his cousins partners there it’ll cost him an additional x amount per one of them.

Original poster
ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:34

CrumpledBlouse · 18/08/2025 08:20

As a cost reduction measure, sure. As some kind of wedding tit for tat, no.

For all you know, their logic is the ghastly but often-quoted ‘no ring, no bring’ — in which case you will be automatically invited to any future weddings, if that’s what’s bothering you?

There are some partners invited who aren't married - but these are long long term partners of 10+ years etc.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/08/2025 08:35

I think only inviting half of a couple to a wedding is tacky behaviour whenever you do it. I could maybe understand if one of the couple is vulnerable and the other an arsehole.

If you aren't close to these cousins and it's a small wedding I'd be tempted to only invite the aunts and uncles on his side and none of the cousins. Inviting in circles is usually considered reasonable.

HettySunshine · 18/08/2025 08:35

My rule was that I didn’t want my husband or me to meet anyone for the first time at our wedding. It was one of the most important days of our lives and we wanted to spend it only with people we knew and cared about.

Because of this we took the time to meet up with our friends and their partners in the year before we got married to ensure we had both met everyone and their partners before the big day.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/08/2025 08:41

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:16

He said it only seems fair to invite the partners as they will be married.

But at a huge cost per head, in which we are both paying a wedding 50/50 (and my guest numbers are lower), I don't think its fair to expect me to pay some of their costs, when neither of us know them.

Maybe that's their theory when planning their weddings. Which I completely get and is my theory also, which is why I dont think we should extend the invite.

They also had an opportunity to meet me or have me meet the extended family twice now ahead of my own wedding, but this hasn't happened. Its one of those families where everyone wont be in the same room unless its a big event like this.

Show quote history

I hate the 'be the bigger person' argument, particularly as your fiance isn't having to be the bigger person (as he was invited to their weddings), you are. If he is so desperate to include them, he can pay for them, particularly as you are already inviting fewer people but paying 50% of the costs.

user1492757084 · 18/08/2025 08:43

Try to push the resentful chip off your shoulder.
The invitation exclusion might not be personal at all.
Only invite who you would like to invite.
If DP wants his cousins and partners - fine. Maybe DP will pay extra for the few extras.
Do not dwell too much on the guest list apart from having your nearest and dearest and who you want to be there.
DP could invite just one ot two of his closest cousins and their partners. You both don't have to invite all cousins.
Do not take it personally.

Original poster
ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:46

thepariscrimefiles · 18/08/2025 08:41

I hate the 'be the bigger person' argument, particularly as your fiance isn't having to be the bigger person (as he was invited to their weddings), you are. If he is so desperate to include them, he can pay for them, particularly as you are already inviting fewer people but paying 50% of the costs.

Show quote history

Yes, obviously I dont mine 50/50 split for family members or friends of his that I know are close and have met, but strangers I wouldnt have met yet, and hadn't been invited to their weddings just months before mine, seems to me like a bit unreasonable.

I aldo think for weddings where theres quite a bit of travel involved / guests need to stay overnight etc, its nice to have peoples partners invited. Luckily, ours in local to his family.

I may suggest to DP to invite the cousins to the day ceremony, then partners are welcome for the evening.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 18/08/2025 08:46

They have set the precedent. You're just following their lead.

To be honest, I don't understand why your fiance is accepting these invitations at all? He should be declining them.

Theoldboots · 18/08/2025 08:47

I think the fair way to deal with wedding invitations is this - decide how many people you want there. Then each of you invite 50% of that number, who ever you choose. So if he wants his cousins and partners included in his guest list, they will be there.

When I got married this is what we did. I don't have many relatives, so most of my guests were my friends. His mum fought against that, saying that relatives (their relatives) were more important and should come before my friends, but we stuck to our guns and it worked well for us.

Theoldboots · 18/08/2025 08:48

ellie09 · 18/08/2025 08:46

Yes, obviously I dont mine 50/50 split for family members or friends of his that I know are close and have met, but strangers I wouldnt have met yet, and hadn't been invited to their weddings just months before mine, seems to me like a bit unreasonable.

I aldo think for weddings where theres quite a bit of travel involved / guests need to stay overnight etc, its nice to have peoples partners invited. Luckily, ours in local to his family.

I may suggest to DP to invite the cousins to the day ceremony, then partners are welcome for the evening.

Show quote history

This is kind of worse than not inviting partners at all. You're effectively saying the partners should come, amuse themselves for the day while their other half is at the wedding, then join in the evening as kind of second class guests.

MinnieCauldwell · 18/08/2025 08:49

I only invited my cousins that I regularly socialised with. The ones I barely saw were strangers to me.