Wedding invites - is this bitter of me?

[ellie09]

I've been with fiance for 3 years and we are getting married next year.

This year, there has been two weddings in his family where I have not been invited but my fiance has.

Fiance has a large extended family who all live quite a bit away and its difficult to get them altogether (even he hasn't seen his cousins in years).

Am I being bitter to say to my fiance that yes, he should invite his cousins, but we shouldn't be inviting the partners then either, considering I wasnt invited to theirs?

We are having quite a small wedding (50-60 people) and want to try and keep costs down.

Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasnt invited to as his partner).

Should I stick to my guns and insist family members only and no partners or as fiance says, be the bigger person and invite their partners?

But at the point when you told her to ask her partner, she already had asked him

Personally I wouldn’t invite them. Your wedding sounds fairly intimate so I’d even question inviting the cousins nobody really sees.

Yep it is.

I did agree that DPs friend could bring his partner as he is travelling from Canada across, so its a lot of money invested coming for our wedding and its nice for him to have a travel companion.

I'm not against people bringing partners if it makes sense for them to be there (e.g. we know them, or they are incuring large expenses to come to our day), but when the people I dont know are local, and it will cost them £10, if even in a taxi down, then I start having doubts on whether £100 a head should be paid for their meal.

Call me bitter or petty, but I'd absolutely not invite the partners!

I would go differently. Make a list of people you absolutely want to invite e.g parents, siblings, close friends, those who are absolute must for your wedding because of their presence in your life and then see how much space you have.

I can’t imagine caring enough to regret your wedding choices 21 years on. If your bloke wants to invite them ask him to pay the extra @ellie09. Job done.

He was originally more annoyed about it than me

Even if I was invited, I dont think I could have made the 5 hour round journey, and the costs of hotel room, dog boarding, getting child looked after and also getting time off work (no annual leave).

But it still would have been nice to be asked (though I am not fuming).

Obviously, I just mean would it be seem bitter if I then excluded partners from our list, considering we want to work to a smaller number of guests.

It's only reading on mn that I realised people often didn't get an invite for their partners to weddings. Where I'm from its the done thing, only exception if its a hobby or work friend. I think its rude not to have your partner or a plus one included.
However, in your situation, the cousins have set the bar on how to behave. Stand your ground and set boundaries with your future hubby and his mum!

The general rule is if they’re married you invite both, if they’re not you can use your discretion.

We have a big family and paid for our own wedding. Partners were only invited if I knew them and had met them. Consequently one of my cousin’s who lives abroad didn’t come, but he’d been with his partner six years, we’d never met her, he’d never brought her over to see us or introduced us, and I didn’t want total strangers at my wedding, particularly when he had a track record of the relationships not lasting.

I'd have the small wedding you planned for and only invite all cousins for the evening unless he is particularly close to one or two. Especially by the sounds of it you are getting married closer to his family than yours.

The equable treatment should head off his mother who is probably at the root of much of this [or will be soon once she gets wind of it] and your reasons re your son and DP's brother are more than reasonable. They can head off in the evening and the cousins can rock up for a few drinks and dance.

Is this an Irish wedding by any chance? I see so much of this drama llama with my family. I completely did my own thing and rode out the criticism. Aunts and Uncles only with 1 first cousin from each family [as huge family too]. No-one batted an eyelid other than my parents.

Save your money for your future. Especially if you have a vulnerable child.

Yes, we are an Irish family, so our extended families at times can be huge, and also expectations of large weddings etc.

We are also very blessed to be in a position where we can save for a wedding and house at the same time. The house is important to me as it will meet DS needs more, so I want to stay on the projected timeline for this also.

I will stick to a set number, add my side in and he can work out who to include with whats left for his side, then at least it wont be any decision of mine.

Do what you can afford. I generally didn't invite partners because I couldn't afford it.

I agree with you.

For a small wedding where your “side” of the guest list is smaller and costs are shared, I think it’s reasonable to say to DH that you don’t want to pay for the +1s.

Tell him if that’s an issue for his family then his family should fund the extra chairs.

You could invite all cousins and partners to the evening do rather than the whole day. That would be fair to you in terms of being able to keep numbers down, and nobody would be left out or feel left out if all the cousins/partners were given the same invitation.

Its a lose lose situation anyway when savings are going into a shared account for wedding and house, so if he even ends up paying for his addition guests, then its just less money in savings account for the house.

It seems to me the sensible compromise is for cousins and partners to be invited to the evening only, then you get a smaller cheaper more intimate day, and the whole family together later.

Spot on. Any other solution is unfair to you, OP 💐

married or not shouldnt make a difference, some couples never marry, does that mean one of them gets left off the invitation.
but obviously you do what you prefer, i guess if you are not that close and they are friends rather than family, any partner does not need to come.

Don’t invite the partners . It will look like virtue signalling. They think that not inviting partners is practical and inoffensive. It’s not rude to do likewise.

were you the only partner of a cousin not invited?
because you werent married?

or were none of the partners invited?

He doesn't have to go... he could take the line that if his wife to be isnt on the invite, he isnt going (not a threat, a boundary).

It's an invite not a summons.

Your DP is offended that you’re not invited, but still goes because mummy tells him to? He wants to invite people who don’t care a jot about you to your wedding, because mummy will be cross and he’ll look rude.

I think he should grow a pair, you should have immediate family only, perhaps with cousins and partners for the evening if you BOTH decide you want them there. Anyone with a problem with that doesn’t need to come.

A small wedding with parents, siblings, children, and close friends in the day. Then decide if you add anyone in the evening.

Your DP being excited about his first wedding isn’t an excuse for his family to dominate your wedding preferences. It’s about you and him. Not his cousins, not his mum.

He hasn’t got a wife.

Why is he inviting cousins at all if he doesn’t see them? I think if someone is married or has a long term partner you invite both. But if he doesn’t see them he shouldn’t feel obliged to invite them just because he was invited to theirs.