Wedding invites - is this bitter of me?

[ellie09]

I've been with fiance for 3 years and we are getting married next year.

This year, there has been two weddings in his family where I have not been invited but my fiance has.

Fiance has a large extended family who all live quite a bit away and its difficult to get them altogether (even he hasn't seen his cousins in years).

Am I being bitter to say to my fiance that yes, he should invite his cousins, but we shouldn't be inviting the partners then either, considering I wasnt invited to theirs?

We are having quite a small wedding (50-60 people) and want to try and keep costs down.

Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasnt invited to as his partner).

Should I stick to my guns and insist family members only and no partners or as fiance says, be the bigger person and invite their partners?

Marriage is about compromise. How you solve this between you, will set the foundation for your marriage.

Yes, cousins and partners evening only. If they are local, that's fine, is a decent compromise and is better than you got! I would be pointing that out any time anyone raised an objection.

I have had a chat with DP over our lunch break, so we can figure out the best way forward.

We have basically agreed on a set number - 55 max and that cousins partners who me and DP do not know well will not be invited to the day reception but we will extend the invite for the night reception to their respective partners.

I had told him that it will just be easier with all cousins only, as they can sit at one table. That keeping the numbers down at our ideal budget will help with ASD child and ASD brother (who struggle in busy environments) and also raised the point that his cousins had set the standard for wedding invites and there is absolutely no shame in following suit, especially when we want a smaller, mid week wedding.

He has basically agreed to all of this.

I used the analogy too, on would he rather a good friend he speaks to every day has a space, or give this up for someone he barely knows, who didnt consider his partner either.

Glad we are on the same page now.

Thanks all

If you re-read, you'll see WIFE TO BE. Admittedly its not wife-to-be, but the words are there.

I'm on the fence. It's your wedding. You invite who you want. However, if people are having to travel any distance, the cousins might not want to make that journey alone, leaving their partner at home. If you are having an evening reception (in addition to the traditional wedding 'breakfast'), then a compromise might be to invite cousins and spouses (or partners if not married) to that as generally evening events are not sit-down meals with expensive catering.

Etiquette is to invite partners if they are married. This would mean you would be invited to future weddings, and you should invited cousin's spouses.

Personally I wouldn't invite any of them and I'd elope.

Just an update

It transpires that ai was actually invited. Official invitations were sent a few weeks back, but before that MIL to be thought "family" invite was family members only and not me.

Long story short, I can't go to the wedding anyhow, with short notice for me and DP getting affordable accomodation for the night (MIL to be only budgeted family, so theres no room for me in whats currently booked) and pets at home that cant be minded etc. So, I am staying home for the night, and DP is going with his family.

We now have to revise our invite list to include them as its been a miscommunication between family members.

I am livid. I said to DP that all this non-communication is crazy and that it should have been asked outright from the start.

It could have been a good opportunity for me to meet the wider family - but thats now not going to happen.

Does your future MIL have an issue with you? I agree that he should have raised this with the couple(s) getting married from the start!

Not that I am aware of - she has always made me feel welcome, is friendly etc when I visit.

I think its a lesson learned for DP not to depend on his mum for important information or messages

Daft that the invite would be so unclear! Completely understand why MIL erred on side of caution and assumed immediate family. Disappointing you cant make it though and now feel obliged to invite more guests but I do think it is the right thing to do.

I had seen the invite and the invite just said "name of mum and family", so it didnt have any specifics. However, my first thought in receiving an invite so vague would be to reach out to specify which members are actually invited. I think its possibly as I have been to more weddings and previously married myself, so I know a bit more wedding etiquette etc.

DP is going down the morning of the wedding, and MIL wants him to go down with them the night before. He doesn't want to, as he wants to stay home with me that night, which has caused another argument between DP and his mum.

MIL trying to come up with ridiculous suggestions so I can go - bring the pets with us to a kennels/cattery over 2 hours away or leaving our pets with a neighbour (we aren't particularly friendly with our neighbours or in a nice neighbourhood)

Its probably a good job I am not going, if I am being honest just so I can avoid whichever argument comes up next!

I wouldnt clarify as I wouldn't want to bother bride and groom, appear as though hinting for additional invites or accidentally turn up with extra people. I would just take whoever I 100% knew was invited.

Sounds like MIL does want you there now she know you are invited, agree not practical to take pets 2 hour drive to kennel/cattery though.

In the OP:

Fiance thinks we should be the bigger people and just invite their partners as they are married, even though he has only met their partners at the weddings (which I wasn't invited to as his partner).

Yes, it would be a complete nightmare. No room in one car for all pets so would need to drive separately which would equal double the fuel cost, money for keeping pets in, new outfit cost, money for drinks and accomodation, plus I would need to swap days with child's dad for visitation which is always a nightmare.

We hadn't budgeted for a wedding to attend, so I wouldn't have the money for it anyhow now, with saving for my own wedding and a house concurrently (and Christmas - yikes!)