New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

I wonder what happened to the other 7 dogs and why they had 9.

@merrygoroundsss You need to reframe this in your mind. Instead of thinking the red flag is he is not good at cleaning, you need to see it as him being lazy. This is laziness, pure and simple.

I have been married to a lazy man for 23 years and I am near done. Push came to shove recently as I have had major surgery and he has done absolutely fuck all to help me. As soon as I can drive, I'm getting legal advice.

At the very least he needs to get the toilet sparkling before you come back. He can’t blame that on the dogs.

Dear christ. This is grim. He has zero respect for you
Run

That's an absolute no go area. He'll never be any different. He's too far gone. Not for you to figure out why and if you tried, you'd end up hating himself and yourself probably too. Just no.

I just went and bought myself some bloo toilet rim tablets on the back of this thread!
Not that my toilet isnt immaculate but still!

Not always the case, I overlooked this when I met my DH (we are now divorcing) and actually his parents house is spotless.

Raise your standards. I couldn’t stay in a house that smells of piss

It doesn’t matter how nice a person is I couldn’t live like that . Nice is going for a coffee / chat and going back home . Sharing someone’s living space needs far greater compatibility and I’m afraid you don’t share it with this guy .

Yup!

Get rid @merrygoroundsss

Not the point of the thread but OCD is a severe and enduring mental illness, it’s not about having a relatively tidy house. I wish people would stop saying this! Does my head in.

I just couldn’t tbh, DH’s place was messy but not dirty.

His motivation to get his house sorted will never be as high as at the start of a new relationship. You’re probably seeing it as good as it’s going get

Op don’t compromise yourself for this person. Dump him. Feel sad about it for a week or two then dust yourself down and move on.

I don’t have OCD but it would be a FUCK NO from me.

Don’t put yourself through it, he will not change.

He’s dirty, lazy and happy to wallow in filth.

Ye gods!

LTB, not worth becoming a man's cleaner.

Yes, literally dust yourself down. And have a good scrub too.

Ugh, his place sounds disgusting. I wouldn't be able to sit down in it. Also, the urine smell in the loo is probably his urine, not the dogs. If it was the dogs they'd be peeing everywhere not just in there.

What if you told him bluntly he has to clean the place properly and then see if he does and if he keeps it clean. If he can do that then there might be some hope. But really, could you be bothered?? It all seems too much.

I’d have a serious conversation with him and say that you like him, however the house needs to be brought upto standard, ie massive clean up if he wants this relationship to continue.
That includes cleaning up the shit in the garden for the dogs, My Dp wasn’t the cleanest when I met him, however after a quite a few conversations and some pointers and directions he’s getting there and he won’t not know , he will but may have lost sight of normal standards as some men do when they have lived alone for a while, if you think it’s worth it then give it a try , yesterday my Dp went to buy cleaning stuff and air fresheners he’s getting there , don’t think he’s ever gonna notice the skirting boards but I can let that one go, if you think it’s worth the effort then have the conversation and see how it goes.
Does he walk the dogs and stuff or are they stuck indoors all the time ?

I do not have ocd and have a fairly relaxed approach to my dog going on sofa etc, however, I’d not be staying over anyone’s house that had an unclean toilet and smelt of urine.
He has made no effort to clean despite it being your first visit. If he cared he would have at least cleaned the loo and vacuumed. Also ‘having a lazy day’ would be a huge red flag if he is living in that environment. He could at least do one thing towards getting the place back to normality.
I think you have a fundamental difference that is not going to change so I think you need to get out.

This isn't someone who is trying to be clean. This is someone who is OK with living in a filthy house. He will never be any different, and his plan is probably for YOU to clean it.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

It's his piss. He's pissing all over the bathroom floor and then walking it through the hall.

OP just no. You’re not compatible and if you stay with him, this will eventually be how he treats your home.

My ex husband was like this. We had 15 year marriage where we lived in a manner that I wasn't comfortable with, albeit MUCH MUCH cleaner than he was used to. We had constant arguments about his participation in housework, DIY, gardening, because basically his standard was filth and chaos. I'm not a willing housewife, but I don't like chaos/dirt. But as I brought in 50% of the family income, no way was I carrying him at home either.

It wasn't his filth that ended our marriage but it was a major source of conflict the whole time we were together.

His second wife has resolved it by doing all the domestic load. BUT she doesn't work, which he resents. No idea why because she does everything, even encouraging him to wash!

If you stay with him, you'll end up being his mummy maid. I'd just tell him you're incompatible and leave it there. He'll know why. He's never going to change.

Do you not think that there is a distinct possibility that his ex left precisely because of his disgusting lifestyle?