New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

I was about to say the same, it's unbelievable.
No way would I have been able to stay there and I don't even have OCD tendencies!

I couldn’t.
Is his bed clean?
why did you take your shoes off?
I’d of had to of went home.

Oh come on! Is the black toilet due to the dogs? No. Neither is the urine smell. That is the result of your new man missing the bowl and leaving the piss on the floor. Over a long period of time.

You need an honest conversation that for you to visit/stay you need the rooms you will be using to be cleaned.
So bathroom, clean bed with no dogs in itt and kitchen.
Explain you understand it's a bit overwhelming for him right now but likewise to stay would be overwhelming for you.

If you want to make this work you need to be honest and get him to make an effort. Some toilet bleach isn't hard as a precursor to your visit this weekend, he's really not tried.

I think it’s probably not going to work but if you don’t want to break up with him, tell him he needs a to employ a cleaning company to come round and blitz the place before you next visit. Maybe he feels overwhelmed by the task now it’s got so bad.

Am a dog person and have a fairly messy home (two young children) but it’s not disgusting (ie there are papers that need sorting but our loos are clean!) Two thoughts:

1. He isn’t caring for his dogs properly. Dogs - especially male ones - do sometimes pee inside when they go to a new place, but they certainly shouldn’t still be doing it! I think my (female) dog has peed inside once in 9 years since we trained her when she was a puppy. There are specialist cleaning products that help deal with canine pee too, but the idea his dogs keep doing this is mad.
2. The loo shows a complete lack of respect for you. My husband seems not to see dust (pretends?), which I find infuriating but he would never leave a loo in that state, he does almost all of the washing up (a chore I hate), and mops the floor and we find balance that way. I fear this man will use you as a cleaner - there will be no 50-50. You deserve better.

I think you have been pretty generous in the circumstances! If he isn’t struggling to get by - and you really do want to stay with him - I would ask him to pay for a deep clean of the place before you return. If you really like him - and frankly I’d run for the hills - and you think it’s down to eg depression or some other valid explanation, then that is the least he could do.

I can’t get over that he expected you to use that loo!

Quite frankly, I’d be as honest with as possible, without being nasty.

“Joe, I’ve got something serious to talk about. I can’t see myself being with someone who either lives in this state or shows no effort in improving it. I know you say you’re going to tackle it, but I don’t see any action towards that, and, for me, there needs to be.”

I agree with the other comments OP, I couldn’t live with this especially at the start of a relationship. My partner and I are not the tidiest of people but our house is functionally tidy and clean - not like you describe this man’s house. If that’s all the effort he’s making now that’s not a good sign.

I have a friend who lived like this, she was a really lovely and kind person but her flat was appalling, not just cluttered but actually unhygienic - piles of unwashed dishes in the sink, floors completely covered in dirty laundry and every surface covered in dirt and clutter and fruit flies. She kept guinea pigs in a cage indoors which she would hardly ever clean and the smell of the whole flat used to make me feel sick so I barely went there. It was to do with mental health, she had major issues and struggled unsurprisingly to meet men and was single for a long time. She was completely blind to her surroundings and hygiene and struggled to find a relationship. She would go on dates with men but they would never pursue her and she asked my opinion once and I (gently) told her that it wasn’t her being unlikeable as a person but her hygiene and home was disgusting and it puts people off. Told her she should respect herself more before expecting to find love.

She has now moved away from the area and met a guy and they moved in together, she has improved but still they are both slobs, they are compatible with each other in that regard. One of their rooms you can’t even use due to stuff being piled high in boxes. I haven’t visited yet but she’s showed me her house on a video call. She’s invited me over to stay in the spare room but it won’t be happening, I’ll be staying in a nearby hotel if I do visit!

I agree with this to be honest.
As well, intimacy would be a major issue with me as I’d be worried about his personal hygiene and cleanliness.

He wants YOU to fix it. Not a girlfiend so much as a cleaner.
Run away! The dirty toilet is so disrespectful.

Toilets don't get in that state overnight, so I'd guess he just rarely cleans it. Her certainly didn't make the effort knowing you were visiting. If you were prepared to overlook this (despite all the red flags waving) and try to move forward with this man, then this would be your life if you lived together, doing all the cleaning and tidying. He wont be making any effort. If you have high standards then this isn't going to work.

He needs to get a cleaning company in and he needs a child gate to keep the dogs downstairs.
I'd just say I'm sorry but it's too dirty and I can't visit until it's sorted out.
Do not get involved in cleaning for him. A grown adult who can't keep a toilet clean does not deserve your help.

I honestly think I’d finish it because i think it tells you a lot about the sort of person he is that he thinks that’s acceptable. No pride, no self respect, no drive, lazy, dirty. No chance. Even if he got cleaners in now/sorted it out he’d slide back into old habits. If you ever moved in together he just wouldn’t do anything.

Utterly vile - seriously, bin him 🤢 There’s a big difference between someone being a bit untidy and not polishing the coffee table every day, and someone who can’t be arsed to clean his own shit off the toilet - or even clean the toilet at all 🤮 Having dogs is no excuse for this mess. It’s clear he’s fine living like that. TBH, I don’t know how you can touch him.

Sorry… but he’s not going to change. He’s not going to suddenly be someone else because you want that. He’s not going to change over time either. It’s who he is and that’s fine, but it’s clearly not fine for you. If he said he thought you should be less clean and let things go a bit could you do that? Would you?

“If he wanted to he would” remember that.

You came to his house which was filthy and he made a small effort before you came. If he struggled for time etc he could have paid a company to come clean it.

If you stay with him, I’m betting you would end up becoming the live in cleaner. Are you happy with that? Forever? If not, then I think you already know the answer.

That’s a very good point!

I’ve spent over thirty years in a marriage where the disparity between my standard’s of household cleanliness and the standard my husband defaults to, when I am not on top of it, and how he allows the dogs to live in our home. causes some degree of distress to me, or minor conflict, nearly every day. And that takes it toll. You run out of energy battling it.

Now happily, my dh is nowhere near as bad as this bloke op. And there are lot of other reasons why our marriage has survived, And we can afford cleaners. So we have muddled through, but it is always hardest on the partner with the higher standards (or even basic standards in this case).

I wouldn’t want a man who cares deeply about details of interior design, for example, but having a man who cares in a basic way to an equal level about the domestic space you share, is a quite important factor in terms of compatibility, especially in these days of home working.

I could write a lot about this but suffice to say, my advice would be that love is not enough on it’s own, and anyway love is a verb. There are other men out there, why make life extra hard on yourself? Think about children in that space? Yuck, no!

Also, sorry, but I think you are allowed to tell him this. In your shoes I would be completely honest. I’d sit him down and say that you really like him as a person but the way he lives in terms of cleanliness would cause a major problem in any relationship you have going forward. Just say you need to live in a clean home where dogs and people respect the space you share. So regrettably etc.

If he is the one he will come to his senses and set to work and change his ways. It doesn’t sound as if dynamism is etched in to his soul though if I am honest; and that’s another reason to split up if this behaviour is reflective of how he manages the rest of his life! My dh is very dynamic and energetic in his job so it doesn’t always hold true. But it can be an indicator.

Sorry op! But you have as much right to assert your basic needs in a relationship as the next person and it’s better to be honest from the start. Save yourself years of stress and overwhelm 💐

This would be a relationship ender for me. He’s deemed the state you saw the house in is acceptable for you to visit. If he genuinely thought it wasn’t good enough, he’d have spent several evenings after work getting it clean before you visit. This man won’t change and if you were to ever live together, cleaning would be on you. Be thankful you found out early enough and run for the hills

I had a bf like this once - I bottomed his house, he had just got behind and didn't know where to start with it, didn't even have a toilet seat. We are still together 15 years on and live together and he is much more house trained - in fact, he is cleaner than me now. Running joke was that the first thing I ever bought him was a toilet seat and a lightbulb for the bathroom.

How much do you like this guy and do you think if you helped him he would then keep it up/keep on top of it?

I am a bit OCD, first time I went round I was a bit like wtf but he was a lovely guy - and his house did not reflect him, he was super clean.

I would dump him and tell him you can't be with someone who lives in filth like that. Do not get sucked in to thinking this is your problem to fix.

If he is fixable, being dumped might give him the kick up the bum he needs to sort his life out so he can date someone else in future, so you'd be doing him a favour.

But you should throw this one back in the sea and look for someone who already meets at least your basic criteria, which should include good personal hygiene and a clean home.

How has he managed to not smell of dog himself if the house is in that state? I worked with someone who had far too many animals for their living space and you could smell it on them.

I like dogs but this would be a massive, gigantic dealbreaker from me. Skidmarks and dirty toilet seats have nothing to do with the dogs. That’s on him.

Leaving aside the revolting now - what about the future, when he's doing no housework and you frantically cleaning up after his gross lazy arse and his two dogs are sitting their bumhole on all your belongings and pissing in your house?

Are you young abd planning children? That's an extra level of nightmare right there. You'll be doing everything and you'll hate him.

No. Gross. Do yourself a favor and go read the umpteen threads by women fed up with doing all the housework and ‘taking care’ of adult man babies. Do yourself want this to be you? Not even cleaning the toilet??? It’s beyond disgusting. He’s shown you what he’s comfortable with, believe him.

1. The smell of dog piss, once it’s soaked into a carpet/floorboards is very difficult to get rid of. Sounds like he can’t be arsed with the basic effort let alone what’s required to get rid of the stink, so you better get used to it.
2. OCD is a debilitating condition and quite different to the popular conception of being someone who “likes to keep things tidy”. A person with hygiene related OCD would find what you describe very disturbing/distressing.
3. I’m astounded that this is a “shoes off” house and you were walking around in your socks on dog piss and hair and god knows what else!

I can put up with dust and general untidiness but the thought of a dirty toilet makes me want to throw up. I would finish it immediately.

In my experience dog people are often nose blind to their pets’ smells.