New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

It's not difficult to clean a toilet even if the rest of your house is overwhelming. I would not continue this relationship.

You're not compatible OP. Honestly, that sounds beyond grim and I wouldn't want it either. If you stay you'll going to be cleaning that yourself - so I'd get out of the relationship asap.

Fuck's sake, men are not 'projects', and as women we should be being paid if we are having to 'fix or 'educate' them. It's not a girlfriend duty, and it doesn't work. Scratch the surface and the slob will come out again, however well you think you've 'trained' him.

There is no excuse for a dirty toilet at any time, let alone when someone is visiting.

Raise the bar, OP. Surely you are worth more than nights on a stinky pillow in a piss-reeking house.

You are a really nice friend 💝

Urg that’s such a shame given you like him so much.

The fact he didn’t even bother to clean the toilet before you came is wild.

I don’t know what to suggest. It’s so hard when you like someone, but I feel like you’re probably in for a lifetime of looking after him and helping with his house.

You're wrong, and I'm really curious how you've managed to diagnose me just over the phone and decide that I don't have OCD tendencies? Are you a doctor? Yes, I do have OCD, especially when it comes to cleanliness. I've been dealing with this for many years, ever since I was a teenager and had therapy to help with the condition.

I’d be honest. John, sorry but your house really needs some urgent attention. Get a cleaning team to do a deep clean throughout the house and then get a cleaner in twice a month to keep on top of the basics, he can do any daily things / stuff that comes up - either that or walk, I couldn’t bear it and I don’t have OCD

Either he hadn't cleaned despite telling you he had, or he did, and this was relatively clean compared to how the house usually is. Neither are good options.

If you do really like him you could be blunt and say he needs to get a regular cleaner (not you!!)

I can see why his Ex moved out.

I do not have high standards but that is completely disgusting.

Agree with others. You and he are not compatible.

Throw this one back (into his filth infested canal).

He has no standards of cleanliness. He'd surely make an effort to have clean sheets and bathroom if he knew you were coming round to stay over?

I wonder why his partner left him? 🤔 Maybe she was fed up with cleaning up after him and the dogs?

At least he didn't make you start cleaning up after him!

Fwiw, I think even if you do get a cleaner, he will find it very hard to change ingrained habits, so this won’t change. I suspect slowly you will just end up doing more housework as you won’t be able to tolerate it and he will gradually get used to you doing it and stop completely- or pretty much.
Its a shame as you like him, but this will either wear you down or annoy you eventually.
id also ask if he’s making such effort with you but not his home..how long can he keep the effort up? It suggests to me something is out of kilter. I suspect his self esteem? Some issue anyway, that is again, possibly a problem when he gets tired from making an effort.
Id be very curious to track down his ex and ask why she left.
id also, do as many other posters have said, and throw this one back. If he can’t look after his own flat, what else is he avoiding dealing with?

And yet you were able to spend a night in that house. I don't have OCD, but I'm very clean and no way would I have done that - I'd have ordered a taxi and gone home and that would've been the end of my association with this disgusting man.

I would have left straight away. He has no pride for himself, his environment or respect for you.

Lots of people manage to keep a clean home. You've just got to care and do it.

I would end things. Before you know it you will be cleaning everything.

However nice he is, it’s not going to work. Save yourself the heartache and don’t bother pursuing the relationship

You have no idea about my background or medical history, apart from what I’ve shared on this thread. I’ve been dealing with OCD (not just about being clean) and intrusive thoughts for a long time, since my teenage years, and I’ve needed therapy and medication for years to help me manage it. Think before you speak!

If he actually knows you have OCD then leaving skid marks in the toilet actually seems even worse .

I too am curious as to where the other SEVEN dogs went

If you genuinely do have diagnosed OCD why did you say you have “OCD tendencies” in your post?

The mess isn't because of the dogs. A doggy house will always be slightly hairy and smell a bit of dog (unless you're like my friend who literally follows her dog around with a vacuum cleaner and disinfectant wipes), but this level of grot is not because of the dogs but because he doesn't keep his house clean.

He can easily and almost immediately solve this through a paid deep clean or a few days of major effort. Any man incapable of either would not be an addition to my life.

Just. No. This is as good as he gets.

What will happen is that you will clean it, because he doesn't think it needs to be cleaned. He will say thank you, but it won't suddenly start him cleaning to maintain it. Because it's been cleaned now hasn't it?

It will descend into filth again, and then you'll clean it again and maybe think 'I'll do him a rota of what needs to be cleaned and then he'll keep in top of it!'. He won't.

Then you will always be cleaning it in perpetuity because in essence he doesn't think it needs to be cleaned, he doesn't care about living in filth and more importantly he doesn't care about you expending your energy to do it for him. And he doesn't care about your needs for basic hygiene.

Then in time the resentment of having to mother and clean for a grown filthy man will build and build until you can stand it any more, and any attraction to him will die.

Now you can choose if you want to spend months of your life going though this process, or you can cut your losses and look for someone else. Someone who is capable of looking after themselves like an adult rather than a grime goblin. Your OCD isn't even relevant in this situation because no functional adult wants to live in dog piss and grime.

Look after yourself and your needs because he isn't lovely really is he?

I do think some men can be house trained but from the sounds of it this guy is a slob. That he doesn't even register oh I best give the house a once over before my new girlfriend comes over is a bad sign.

Have an honest conversation with him. He's probably had a lot to deal with after a breakup and maybe can't see what it looks like from a different perspective. If you really like him, don't let this be a deal breaker.

Not even cleaning the toilet or picking up the dog shit from the garden when you know someone is coming round is so lazy and grim. It would be a no from me.

New relationship.

This is his best behaviour.....