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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's inability to leave me alone!

62 replies

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 09:44

"Are you alright up there? You've been a long time".

I've been 17 minutes. I've had a long shower to wash my hair, and I'm brushing my teeth as he shouts up.

Am I unreasonable to get so irritated by this? He does it all the time if I'm out of sight for a while. Sometimes he comes looking for me. I don't think he even realises, but it's driving me mad and genuinely putting me on edge. Am I being overly sensitive though, coz I'm craving alone time?

OP posts:
yogpot · 17/08/2025 09:46

This would make me feel like a toddler who needs supervising - it reminds me of how we used to treat our eldest when he started bathing himself.

Can you talk to him and tell him it’s driving you up the wall?

OtterlyMad · 17/08/2025 09:47

Shout back, “Yes, are you alright down there? I’ve been gone a whole 17 minutes so just want to check you haven’t swallowed bleach or stuck your fingers in any sockets!”

Daisyvodka · 17/08/2025 09:47

Have you said to him 'we dont need to be together every single second, sometimes I just want to take my time with getting ready' etc?

Branleuse · 17/08/2025 09:48

I cannot bear it if people are too intrusive like this. I just want to be invisible sometimes.

Original poster
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 09:48

I could, but I think he would probably get annoyed and think I was making a big deal of nothing. I've been pushing back at him a bit lately for how he is with DS sometimes, think he'd get irritated that I'm trying to police his behaviour.

Why does he always need to know, though? Is it some sort of passive aggressive "where are you, come and help with the kids/washing" or something?

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 17/08/2025 09:49

Ah, do you think he's doing it because he doesnt want to deal with the kids on his own?

smalldogdancing · 17/08/2025 09:50

My Dh does this! It’s so annoying. I think for him it’s a control thing. What am I doing? Does he approve? Should I be doing something ‘useful’. Exhausting

dogcatkitten · 17/08/2025 09:50

Are you accident prone or suffering from any illness that would make him over protective? If not you need to have a word with him about it.

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 17/08/2025 09:52

Is he doing something he considers "your job" kids, housework etc?

Typicalwave · 17/08/2025 09:52

Does he only do it if he’s been left in charge of children? Or the cooking? Or some other unpaid shitwork task?

Zanatdy · 17/08/2025 09:52

If you’ve got young kids then that’s your answer, he wants you to look after them.

Cherrysoup · 17/08/2025 09:55

I very deliberately have long baths where I read, then I take my sweet time drying off etc. My DH leaves me alone. I spend pretty much every minute of every day with children, break and lunch is also usually with students, so I think it’s fair enough to take time alone, particularly if the dc don’t need you/are old enough not to need supervision.

DorothyStorm · 17/08/2025 09:56

You dont need to reply if you are busy. Also you dont need to shout up and down stairs. He can come to you if he wants to speak to you.

But it sounds like the issue is much bigger. And that he needs you to actually leave the house for several hours with no phone while he does some parenting.

Bonden · 17/08/2025 09:56

Yeah he’s chasing you because he’s had the DC alone or is doing a chore ON HIS OWN and you’re supposed to be there to do it.

Original poster
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 10:02

Thing is, though, I don't think he's that kind of person. He is always doing things in the house, way more than me because he does thing sod never think of/don't think are necessary because he's got very high standards and likes a tidy house to feel relaxed.

I am the default parent, I suppose, due to mat leave/working part time. But he's not like a do-nothing father, he usually just gets on with looking after them even if he's not great at entertaining them.

There might be something in PPs comment about doing something "useful", even if it's subconscious for him. He doesn't often relax.

And I do HATE the shouting up the stairs. He shouted twice because I didn't answer, coz I was brushing my teeth. But he must have been able to hear me brushing them, or could he not just think "oh she can't hear me?" He gets annoyed that I don't hear him all the time, even though he's rooms/floors away and the kids are noisy and the TV might be on or whatever. He thinks I need a hearing test, even though I've pointed out it only happens with him at home!!!

I think this might be a me problem... The summer holidays are doing my head in, I'm desperate for some time alone, and everything everyone does is doing my head in 🤣

OP posts:
Notmyreality · 17/08/2025 10:04

So you need to clarify - does he do it all the time even when it’s just the two of you in which case he has separation issues and genuinely doesnt know what to do with himself when alone. If it when he’s left alone with the kids it’s totally different - he feels he’s done his ‘bit’ and it’s your turn to come back and take back over ‘your job’. Both are very different.

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/08/2025 10:06

I imposed a rule that no-one was allowed to talk to me unless they were in the same room. Yelling for somebody should be an absolute last resort tacked onto the end of a sentence like "the house is on fire".

PigletSanders · 17/08/2025 10:08

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 10:02

Thing is, though, I don't think he's that kind of person. He is always doing things in the house, way more than me because he does thing sod never think of/don't think are necessary because he's got very high standards and likes a tidy house to feel relaxed.

I am the default parent, I suppose, due to mat leave/working part time. But he's not like a do-nothing father, he usually just gets on with looking after them even if he's not great at entertaining them.

There might be something in PPs comment about doing something "useful", even if it's subconscious for him. He doesn't often relax.

And I do HATE the shouting up the stairs. He shouted twice because I didn't answer, coz I was brushing my teeth. But he must have been able to hear me brushing them, or could he not just think "oh she can't hear me?" He gets annoyed that I don't hear him all the time, even though he's rooms/floors away and the kids are noisy and the TV might be on or whatever. He thinks I need a hearing test, even though I've pointed out it only happens with him at home!!!

I think this might be a me problem... The summer holidays are doing my head in, I'm desperate for some time alone, and everything everyone does is doing my head in 🤣

This is not a you problem.

I’d be having this out with him. It is a very bad, very controlling habit.

KPPlumbing · 17/08/2025 10:09

My husband does this.

This is combined with him dumping an entire verbal download of every small detail of the day he has ahead of him, including what route he's taking to get to work and why, what's he's eating for lunch, the latest on his parents' health complaints, the issue with his car and how he intends to fix it, what his shift pattern is looking like for next week versus what he thought it might look like etc etc ETC!!

He also likes to ask me inane questions on top: "If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?" The other day I answered: "No idea, let's not worry about it".

It makes me feel mentally unwell and like my brain's going to explode.

I said to him the other day "STOP following me around. I really need you to leave me alone for 1 HOUR so I can watch a tv programme in peace".

AlwaysFreezing · 17/08/2025 10:10

Absolutely fine! You?

Original poster
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 10:12

Thanks for the validation. It's just so pointless, I feel like I'm missing something! Like there's a reason I don't get...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 10:12

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/08/2025 10:06

I imposed a rule that no-one was allowed to talk to me unless they were in the same room. Yelling for somebody should be an absolute last resort tacked onto the end of a sentence like "the house is on fire".

I love this rule!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 10:13

Notmyreality · 17/08/2025 10:04

So you need to clarify - does he do it all the time even when it’s just the two of you in which case he has separation issues and genuinely doesnt know what to do with himself when alone. If it when he’s left alone with the kids it’s totally different - he feels he’s done his ‘bit’ and it’s your turn to come back and take back over ‘your job’. Both are very different.

Good point... I don't actually think he does do it when it's just the two of us, no

OP posts:
Typicalwave · 17/08/2025 10:29

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 10:13

Good point... I don't actually think he does do it when it's just the two of us, no

Show quote history

There, you have your answer - you’re the default parent, who needs to squeeze in basic needs when it doesn’t inconvenience him.

Branleuse · 17/08/2025 10:34

Some people are just like this. I've just stayed with my dad and he is always wanting to know what people are doing or commenting. His partner is the same.
My mum and her partner also micromanage each other a bit.
Me and my dh are quite independent of each other in comparison thankfully