Page 3 | DH's inability to leave me alone!

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 2025-08-17T08:44:15+00:00

"Are you alright up there? You've been a long time". I've been 17 minutes. I've had a long shower to wash my hair, and I'm brushing my teeth as he shouts up. Am I unreasonable to get so irritated by this? He does it all the time if I'm out of sight for a while. Sometimes he comes looking for me. I don't think he even realises, but it's driving me mad and genuinely putting me on edge. Am I being overly sensitive though, coz I'm craving alone time?

Getitgirl · 17/08/2025 14:45

I used to have a live-in partner who did similar things. He was controlling.

For example, if I went for a bath, he would want to know why I was taking so long under the guise of concern. Ditto if I went to the Sainsbury's around the corner from our flat, I'd get a phone call asking why I wasn't back yet. His control seeped into other areas, but these were part of a pattern of behaviours - annoying and infantilizing.

I suspect he may be controlling in other aspects of your life, if indeed this isn't to do with him wanting you to return to your default parent duties.

Wolfiefan · 17/08/2025 14:47

I’d shout back “No! I’m dead!”

Original poster

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 16:26

Thanks for all these comments, very interesting. The PP who said someone did it to her under the guise of concern... That's exactly what it is. When I've called him on it in the past, he gets offended and like "I'm only asking, I'm only being nice".

I don't want to have to tell him where I'm going and how long I'm going to be around the house! He doesn't do that for me. If he's not around (which he often isn't, as I've said, he's a busy person and often is in the loft or garage) then I just assume he's busy and I only go to find him if I actually need him.

He really isn't controlling, but he is highly strung in some ways. I don't want to think he's trying to subtly call me back to look after the kids, but I can't think of another reason. I'd be really surprised if that was it, mind

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 17/08/2025 16:29

Wolfiefan · 17/08/2025 14:47

I’d shout back “No! I’m dead!”

This. This is genius. Adopted.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 17/08/2025 17:00

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 16:26

Thanks for all these comments, very interesting. The PP who said someone did it to her under the guise of concern... That's exactly what it is. When I've called him on it in the past, he gets offended and like "I'm only asking, I'm only being nice".

I don't want to have to tell him where I'm going and how long I'm going to be around the house! He doesn't do that for me. If he's not around (which he often isn't, as I've said, he's a busy person and often is in the loft or garage) then I just assume he's busy and I only go to find him if I actually need him.

He really isn't controlling, but he is highly strung in some ways. I don't want to think he's trying to subtly call me back to look after the kids, but I can't think of another reason. I'd be really surprised if that was it, mind

When I've called him on it in the past, he gets offended
This is a strategy to make you stop calling him out.

I don't want to have to tell him where I'm going and how long I'm going to be around the house! He doesn't do that for me.
You are the default parent, so he sees no need to tell you where he is. It is not his job to think about 'who would look after the baby if we both decided to go work in the shed/garage'. He assumes he can just go, but you can't.

I'd be really surprised if that was it
It is it. He is 'highly strung' because he doesn't think he should have to cope with being left alone with the children for too long. He makes a fuss as part of training you not to expect too much of him.
He likely does not even consciously realise this is what he is doing. These behaviours can be subconscious, learnt from the dynamics between his parents.

The answer is to increase the time you take for yourself, not decrease it.
Tell him you are going for a walk to get some exercise and clear your head, and will be turning your phone off for a couple of hours.
Then follow through and actually do it, regularly.

Downplayit · 17/08/2025 17:07

Same problem here! Its irritating and I worry what will happen when we retire and are around the house together a lot more. I think its because he is more extrovert and likes to know where I am so he can come and talk to me if he gets the urge. If he's bored he follows me around the house talking to me. That man will need some hobbies!

Wolfiefan · 17/08/2025 17:15

He’s not being nice. That is rubbish it is because he wants you to do something for him or kids. He doesn’t want you to be able to control your own time. That ISN’T nice at all.
My DH sometimes texts me similar. Maybe once a year. It’s because he really thought I was popping out for a couple hours with the dogs and I’ve been all day. He honestly is concerned that I’ve somehow hurt myself walking two giant hounds. (I have form for this. Not just once either!) But in the house? I’m an adult who can be trusted to shower or read a book without coming to serious harm.

Wolfiefan · 17/08/2025 17:15

He’s not being nice. That is rubbish it is because he wants you to do something for him or kids. He doesn’t want you to be able to control your own time. That ISN’T nice at all.
My DH sometimes texts me similar. Maybe once a year. It’s because he really thought I was popping out for a couple hours with the dogs and I’ve been all day. He honestly is concerned that I’ve somehow hurt myself walking two giant hounds. (I have form for this. Not just once either!) But in the house? I’m an adult who can be trusted to shower or read a book without coming to serious harm.

DorothyStorm · 17/08/2025 17:25

EuclidianGeometryFan · 17/08/2025 17:00

When I've called him on it in the past, he gets offended
This is a strategy to make you stop calling him out.

I don't want to have to tell him where I'm going and how long I'm going to be around the house! He doesn't do that for me.
You are the default parent, so he sees no need to tell you where he is. It is not his job to think about 'who would look after the baby if we both decided to go work in the shed/garage'. He assumes he can just go, but you can't.

I'd be really surprised if that was it
It is it. He is 'highly strung' because he doesn't think he should have to cope with being left alone with the children for too long. He makes a fuss as part of training you not to expect too much of him.
He likely does not even consciously realise this is what he is doing. These behaviours can be subconscious, learnt from the dynamics between his parents.

The answer is to increase the time you take for yourself, not decrease it.
Tell him you are going for a walk to get some exercise and clear your head, and will be turning your phone off for a couple of hours.
Then follow through and actually do it, regularly.

Show quote history

All of this.

I imposed a rule that no-one was allowed to talk to me unless they were in the same room. Yelling for somebody should be an absolute last resort tacked onto the end of a sentence like "the house is on fire".
And do this. Ignore every time.

beAsensible1 · 17/08/2025 17:30

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 17/08/2025 16:26

Thanks for all these comments, very interesting. The PP who said someone did it to her under the guise of concern... That's exactly what it is. When I've called him on it in the past, he gets offended and like "I'm only asking, I'm only being nice".

I don't want to have to tell him where I'm going and how long I'm going to be around the house! He doesn't do that for me. If he's not around (which he often isn't, as I've said, he's a busy person and often is in the loft or garage) then I just assume he's busy and I only go to find him if I actually need him.

He really isn't controlling, but he is highly strung in some ways. I don't want to think he's trying to subtly call me back to look after the kids, but I can't think of another reason. I'd be really surprised if that was it, mind

I just start doing it to him.

set a vibrating timer for every 20 minutes. And do it for a week. And If he says anything feign ignorance.

it’s would drive me mad. Either come and bloody find me if you want to actually tell me something or you don’t, then leave me alone.

and when he wanders of and doesn’t respond call him on his phone ask where he’s got to.

and as a rule add an extra 10 minutes to what your doing whenever he asks. He’s being so annoying

stuckdownahole · 17/08/2025 17:52

If he knew that you disliked scrambled eggs, but made you scrambled eggs for breakfast every day, that would not be a nice thing to do.

This behaviour is the same. It's not nice if he knows you don't like it and he keeps doing it.

JFDIYOLO · 18/08/2025 10:22

He is not 'being nice'.

He is 1) being controlling and 2) trying to gaslight you into feeling you're being the unreasonable one.

He is not 'highly strung'.

He believes his way is the the right way and your feedback = the domestic appliance malfunctioning. Which is not acceptable. And therefore throwing a strop should stop you doing that.

So you start to avoid anything that could be a stroptrigger. Including saying how you feel. See how that works?