DH's inability to leave me alone!

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

"Are you alright up there? You've been a long time".

I've been 17 minutes. I've had a long shower to wash my hair, and I'm brushing my teeth as he shouts up.

Am I unreasonable to get so irritated by this? He does it all the time if I'm out of sight for a while. Sometimes he comes looking for me. I don't think he even realises, but it's driving me mad and genuinely putting me on edge. Am I being overly sensitive though, coz I'm craving alone time?

Yes this, he doesn't want to look after children.

State what you want or what your intention is. “I’ve had the kids all day and I’m going for a bath/read on the bed/listen to some music for an hour, have some peace”.

My husband is an extrovert so doesn’t need or want peace or time alone whereas I’m the opposite, early on I had to explain it’s not a slight, just how I recharge my batteries.

Having said that he hates doing a chore around the house if everyone else is being idle and it will really put him in a grump so I anticipate it by saying “you do your thing, I’m going to do xyz and we’ll meet in an hour for a movie, okay?” Then he’s perfectly happy.

I don’t think this is a ‘me’ problem for you

in my book it is simply not ok for one adult to shout for another (unless fir help in an emergency) and it’s really not ok for him to get annoyed if you don’t answer. Does he think you are his ‘human support appliance’ , could that be it? As you have indicated he does it when he had the children then that might indeed be it.

I don’t like the way you are the default parent and that you are adapting your behaviour to prevent his being annoyed

you know what this is, don’t you?. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck... then that’s what it is.

"Husband, can you please stop checking up on me every time I'm out of your sight for five minutes, it's really odd and it's irritating me. If I'm going somewhere, I'll tell you. If I'm in the house, I don't expect to be shouted."

Tell him you need time alone, and how long you'll be gone, then go up to your bedroom/wherever and shut the door. Rinse and repeat. Worked with my DH, who is much more extroverted than I am. He now understands I need time to recharge my batteries.

🤣🤣 🤣

That's exactly what I reckon it is.
Tell him it's winding you up, and tell him he should be more confident in his abilities to look after the kids/sort the washing out 😁

Make a joke out of it, so he can’t get arsey.

Tell him you’re going for a shower and won’t be back until you are ready and he isn’t to call out the Mounties.
Going for a shower and I may be a while but not to worry, I won’t melt… get washed down the drain… etc.

And have a rule about shouting up the stairs- as long as you can follow it yourself- you don’t shout up the stairs to the DC either.

I used to announce I was going to my room and I didn’t want anyone to come and disturb me unless there was blood or vomit involved.

I make it very clear I’m not answering from another room or floor even if I can hear.

Tell him to stop yelling up the stairs.

Since he doesn't do it when you two are alone, it looks like it's a subtle form of pressure to finish up and go watch those kids. He's not directly saying it, he's trying to get you to feel like you're taking too long. You say he's quite tidy, he feels you're "goofing off" instead of doing your job being the default parent. He's acting like he's your boss and policing your "break time" from work.

What are you pushing back on in his behaviour with your son?

If it was me, it would be anxiety causing me to check that you were ok.

I suspect he's more like my late mum, who was incapable of leaving people alone. She'd pounce on anyone entering the room, talking at them and following them around. It was partly control and partly that she was incapable of entertaining herself and she needed other people to fill the empty void in her mind. If your DH is like that then I don't know how you cope. I strongly believe that my dad went deaf as a coping mechanism.

Could be extravert behaviour - needing someone always around to "bounce" off. Or narcisism - where's my supply gone?

I live with people like this and it's so infantilising.

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that you do not want to be shouted at or for, and those are your boundaries.

Only people who can't respect your boundaries will be cross you're trying to assert them and that's a them problem.

The OP has already said he doesn’t do it if it’s just him and her in the building.

Next time. Just tell him you need some time alone (whether doing anything useful or not) for your mental health.

So don't say anything, reply nicely but give him a job to do every time this happens. Eg

'Are you all right, you've been up there for ages'
'Yes fine thanks! Could you start unloading the dishwasher please!'

Assume he's not busy if asking so find him something to do.

I agree with this.

Whatever the underlying reason is that he is shouting for you when you are out of sight, he is interrupting what you are doing. As in "stop what you are doing right now so that you can pay attention to me". You can't be doing anything, at that moment, that he can perceive of as being more important than paying attention.to him.

It is also rude to "summon" someone like this by yelling, expecting them to make the effort to respond to you yelling for their attention, instead of you making the effort go to them. ( Which, in your case, would be even more annoying....)

Try "fuck off, I'm busy" next time, if he can't rein himself in.

You mentioned DS? Is he baby? Is your husband pestering you because he wants you back in the room looking after little one? My husband was a bit like that because he stressed so much about the baby starting to cry and him not knowing what to do 🙄

Have you asked him? I’d guess anxiety too, whether it’s anxiety about parenting or not having you around. If he doesn’t do it when it’s just the two of you, have you asked him why? Maybe it’s because he feels like he’s got your full attention? Whatever it is, it’s not going to change unless you share how it’s making you feel (stressed, irritated, angry, whatever), and point him back to himself to sort whatever is driving him.

My DH does this, more so when DD was younger. Drives me mad. It does feel like a subtle “Come back and pay me / our child attention”, like you’re being lazy and neglecting your job. Worst time when when I was on the loo for a while and I’d hear “Let’s go find mummy”. Made me rage.

New family rule: you can only talk to people in the same room as you.

Then he will have to come and find you in the bathroom, see you brushing your teeth and ask you what you're doing.

I'd answer with a question every time "why do you ask?" or "are you ok?".

In my experience that is exactly what it is. Tell him to stop. If you’re always sloping off for ages he would be justified in asking - but he should use his words properly and ask if you could come and help him with whatever needs doing, not ask if you’re ok, for crying out loud.

It's because parenting is your job.

Paying attention to him is also your job.

Paying attention to yourself? Not what correctly functioning domestic appliances do.

Therefore you're neglecting your job.

The shouting is his exasperated way of telling you that you are malfunctioning. And that you need to get your arse back down stairs now.

So you need to make VERY clear statements and repeat them, like you would a child.

I am going for a shower and a face pack and a mani. I will be xx minutes and back down in time for House of Games. I will be fine.

Yes, I am ok and don't need supervising and checking in on when I'm trying to shave my legs and not cut myself.

Shouting at me when the electric toothbrush is drowning you out is pointless. Listen for the sound of the brush.

I do not like it when you shout at me up the stairs. Stop doing it.

On repeat.

Shout back that you're busy sexting your lovers.

@Ihaveneedofwaternear this would drive me nuts. I remember a novel years ago where the woman said her marriage was like a giant game of ‘May I?’ as she couldn’t just go elsewhere in the house without telling her partner. It’s stuck with me because it would irritate the hell out of me!