My child having no father is going to affect him?

[ForFunWriter]

Short Term relationship and had a child. I was too far along and had found out his lies, mostly about money and got sick of him lying about ex. He walked and I’ve not seen him again.

I never met his family and neither did he meet mine. They aren’t interested.

My family are estranged from me mostly. my parents love their grand baby but are 70s so not much longer. My siblings have bullied me a lot and I felt emotionally neglected. Tried nhs therapy.

I have realised that my son isn’t being set up for the best start in life and I wish he didnt have to suffer. I find it hard to make friends so no one else to help. I hope he has a good life because I feel like I can’t give him much.

Will he always think he’s missed out?

Your child has a loving mum who wants the best for him. That will be the biggest influence on his childhood.

However, not having a father or a robust support network could negatively impact your child and it doesn't help anyone to brush this under the carpet. The good news is, once you recognise and accept this, you can do things to combat it.

In your shoes I would:

• read lots of age appropriate books about how families come in all shapes and sizes
• look for a weekend club for him to join where you can meet other families (toddler football, dance, gymnastics etc often run over the weekend). Failing that I'd take him to the same park regularly and try to meet other families that way. You will need to push yourself out of your comfort zone to make friends
• look at existing relationships to see if you can make more of an effort to build a village (would your brother be open to meeting more often? Would your parents like a weekly FaceTime and more frequent visits)

Once he is at school it should be easier. Then you can invite his friends for play dates and weekend clubs should be easier to find.

Honestly OP, lots of children have potential negatives in their lives (one of my DC has a disability that comes with lots of challenges, others will experience illness, bereavement, poverty or a host of other issues). It doesn't mean that they can't succeed and have a fantastic life, just that we have to work a bit harder to to ensure they have the best start possible given their circumstances.

Mine have no dad, and have never known a father. That's through death though..

Don't worry, mine are absolutely fine and never ask about their father. Doing well at school, well adjusted.

I've never made it into a problem and they've never missed out or been treated any different in having no father.

Firstly, your dps could live another 20 years. Secondly, you can fill your child's life with love and fun and knowledge & experiences without being a party animal.

I'm a single mum, no family support close by. My ds is happy, healthy, doing well. He swims & cycles and skis. I've had a ball over the last 17 years sharing all these things with him. He goes to a good school and has friends. I made a few friends among the other mums. Offer to share babysitting or join in with some of the school activities and friendships will come.

I think you need a bit more faith in your abilities as a parent. Show him all the things that you love. You'll do just fine on your own

My mom didn't have a father and she was fine. So were other relatives who's dad died young. They also had a fine upbringing and life. Everyone's situation is different, your child will be ok.

I would recommend meeting up with his cousins, and talk to your brother about if he's willing to look out for him and provide guidance. It would be lovely if they included him in activities, and maybe you could sit for them too.

Your child is a different person to you. You can take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviour as an individual and move forward. Be a positive role model, provide him with lots of different opportunities and support and encourage his friendships.

OP you do sound isolated and a bit lonely. It’s been good to see you even on this short thread start to engage with the idea of having to be more proactive about building a set of people to connect with.
It’s easy to feel a bit of a failure if you don’t have friends but sadly it’s a very common issue. You do need that one person to make an effort and it may have to be you. It’s a bit like dating - you may have to be thick skinned and it can take time which will be in short supply but yes. Try reaching out via a Facebook message. Try any existing groups.
When will he start school? There’s a big opportunity to find people. Most of my friends are from school friend’s mums. My children are adults now but I still have a core group of friends I met at primary school.
I’m not a single mum but my ex DH had very little involvement in DC’s social lives or friendship groups. Lots of dads are like that. Don’t feel like a failure. To use that mawkish phrase. you are enough.

You sound depressed and feeling very sorry for yourself.

It’s important to remember that no situation is ideal, and no family is perfect.

Try to change your mindset from what is ‘missing’ to what is abundant.

Your love, your bond with your toddler.

That is all you need for now. Focus on that. Friendships will develop naturally, when you are doing your own thing. When you are motivated and happy in your life, with your beautiful child. Setting up Facebook groups / What’s App groups might not be the best move for now..

You sound like a pity party.. this mindset will steer people away / send them running.

Be busy in your own life and happy / reconciled with your choices first. Own your choices- as you made each one of them.

Your attitude and what you give out will come back to you.

In the vast majority of cases having a lone parent is much, much better for children than imposing a step parent on the child: the outcome are far more negative for children with step parents, and even worse if there is a blended family/ subsequent children with the step parent.

Focus on providing the best life that you can for your son and ensuring he has a stable, loving, secure home. Expand your social circle. With a small child there are lots of ways for you to meet people. If you do decide to date again at some point then keep your romantic life separate to your son and your home: don’t move in with a man who isn’t related to your child.

You can give your son a very good life if you prioritise him.

My father was alcoholic and useless. My mother is not very world-wise and can’t hold a proper conversation. As a result, my parents didn’t maintain relationships with their siblings and cousins and I grew up not having a relationship with my relatives and cousins. It was alright but now in my 40s I wish my parents had maintained relationships with their siblings and extended family.
I guess what you can do now is to encourage your child to be friends and engage in activities he can enjoy with other kids. Also, if he has interest in team sports, like football, he can make strong friendships.

How old are you op? You sound very young.

How can you not understand concept of community?

So what’s the solution? Op cannot force her useless ex to be an interested father.

She has to build a community and provide good emotional support to her child and encourage him to make friends, join group group activities.

Little Kickers operates in your area and on a weekend. I’m sure there are plenty of other activities too.

If you want to connect with people at nursery, you could invite children your child likes for a play date on a weekend - ask staff to pass on a note to parents if needed. The parent will stay, and you’ll have a chance to get to know them.

Re WhatsApp group - you can start one, print a couple of signs with the qr code and ask nursery to put them on the noticeboard?

I grew up in a 2 parent middle class income household but was seriously neglected and had no parental guidance and suffered my mums alcoholism until I couldn't take it any more and was living on the streets at 17, developed a drug problem and was then pregnant at 18.

The second I found out I was pregnant I never touched a drug again worked to set up a home for my child and then 2 years later had my second. Unfortunately at this point my children's father went back to drugs and I decided to go it alone and went No Contact with him. He passed away a few years later of a heroin overdose.

No family input either side. Due to lack of qualifications could only get minimum wage work and financially struggled but I made the sacrifices to ensure my children always came first. Due to this I also never entered another relationship.

My eldest is now at uni and my youngest has completed his college course and is preparing to set up his own business.

The number of people in your children's lives does not matter it's the quality of people in their life.

whilst children obviously do pick up on some habits from us, they aren’t us.. just because it is something you struggle with he likely will not as you are socialising him at nursery, playgroups, school, playgrounds with other children etc - he will naturally start to play with others and make friends as long as you don’t restrict his access to this stuff due to your own anxieties.

you can support friendships when he’s old enough by having play dates etc and tbh being a mum you do have to put yourself out there for your child- speaking to other mums at the school gate, arranging said play dates, attending kids parties and school fairs etc… you may find yourself some new friends as well in time!!

If he is the shy type then maybe that’s just him, and he will be happy being whoever he is I.e making friends when ready or being happy on his own some of the time.

My dd is now a teenager and her father hasn’t been in her life since she was a baby (definitely for the best as it would be very damaging for her if he was).

Honestly, she’s fine and feels loved and over the years she has gathered some key people in her life. There’s me, my ex (not her dad) who I was with for a few years when she was younger and he has stayed in her life as a father figure, they do loads of stuff together. Also my current partner of 5 years who she really likes and gets on really well with. One very close friend who is like a sister to her, they’ve been friends for 10 years since they were really young, and also that friend’s DM who is like a second mum to her. As well as my DM, her granny, who she loves a lot.

About toddler groups... The main one round here at the weekend is football so have a look for toddler football, then your local kids football club when your child is a bit older. Huge sense of community with them. Or rugby maybe if son isn't into football.

Also the toddler version of Scouts when they are 4 is likely to be an evening group?

Rugby can be great for a strong sense of community when he's a bit bigger. There's no tackling for little ones - just a lot of charging around!
You could also look at church as a way to make friends of different ages. Cafe Church is more informal eg https://www.achurchnearyou.com/church/19732/ but many ordinary churches will offer new connections and theres no need to book - you just turn up.

There will be playgroups to join and single mother groups as well. You are being defeatist by assuming your son won't have friends. Give him a chance.

By making it a priority. I found a toddler gym that was open on saturdays and we went most Saturday mornings when DD was 2-3. We didn't make close friends but it was fun and social. I prioritised catching up about once a month with people from our mother and baby group (similar to NCT in the UK).

No

Children need strong mothers who love them. They need a safe home, enough money and food and water.

And a good community. If you're in a shit, criminal area, i'd move, but otherwise, you are what he needs. If you can do that, he will be absolutely fine imo x

I will be honest, I suffered from not having a father, still makes me sad to this day

No father is better than a bad father, and it sounds like your child is better off without this man in their life.

Habe you searched for existing facebook groups? There's a few "(area) parents" ones near me.
My son does see his dad, but he is an only child on both sides of the family with no cousins near his age so as much as I find making small talk exhausting, since starting school I've made sure to arrange playdates during the holidays and take him to the park after school a couple of days a week where there are always some of his classmates. Before school age, his time at daycare or whatever he goes is all play based anyway so he'll make friends if/when he is the age to do so.

You can’t magic up what you don’t have OP. All you can do is your very best to give you and your son as many opportunities in life as possible with what you do have.
When I moved to a new area and didn’t know anyone I put a message out on the areas Facebook page asking if there was anyone else in my situation, surprising how many responded! We met in public places to begin with and obviously some dropped out but I have made some very good friends from it.
As a single Mum you do need to put yourself out there, it’s hard but it’s worth it.