Page 2 | My child having no father is going to affect him?

ForFunWriter · 2025-08-16T22:50:57+00:00

Short Term relationship and had a child. I was too far along and had found out his lies, mostly about money and got sick of him lying about ex. He walked and I’ve not seen him again. I never met his family and neither did he meet mine. They aren’t interested. My family are estranged from me mostly. my parents love their grand baby but are 70s so not much longer. My siblings have bullied me a lot and I felt emotionally neglected. Tried nhs therapy. I have realised that my son isn’t being set up for the best start in life and I wish he didnt have to suffer. I find it hard to make friends so no one else to help. I hope he has a good life because I feel like I can’t give him much. Will he always think he’s missed out?

labradormam · 17/08/2025 00:25

I know a couple of kids without kids and honestly, yes, it is affecting them.

But I also know lots of kids with shit dads and they are also suffering.

I know kids with decent enough dads but they are living in poverty.

There are just so many variables and very few people will tick all the boxes in regards to giving a kid a good life.

Try not to focus on what you don’t have, and just do the best you can with what you’ve got.

The fact you are even worried about it and concerned about your son having the best start possible already shows that you are a good mum. Lots of kids don’t have good mums.

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:29

labradormam · 17/08/2025 00:25

I know a couple of kids without kids and honestly, yes, it is affecting them.

But I also know lots of kids with shit dads and they are also suffering.

I know kids with decent enough dads but they are living in poverty.

There are just so many variables and very few people will tick all the boxes in regards to giving a kid a good life.

Try not to focus on what you don’t have, and just do the best you can with what you’ve got.

The fact you are even worried about it and concerned about your son having the best start possible already shows that you are a good mum. Lots of kids don’t have good mums.

This is a very good point. The fact that you want to make his life better than how you perceive yours to be shows you are a good mum. But you need to take him to local groups, the park etc and not just lurk in a corner but chat a bit. It's hard, but it will come. Practice makes perfect. It was a good suggestion by a pp to take bubbles and a ball to the park. Kids love that and will come over. It's a start.

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:31

steff13 · 17/08/2025 00:22

My impression of it is that it's a very good program. My best friend was also a big sister for a junior high school age girl when she was in college, and they are still in touch to this day. So just from my anecdotal experience I think it's a good program.

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We could definitely use something like that here. Sounds excellent.

Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:31

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:29

This is a very good point. The fact that you want to make his life better than how you perceive yours to be shows you are a good mum. But you need to take him to local groups, the park etc and not just lurk in a corner but chat a bit. It's hard, but it will come. Practice makes perfect. It was a good suggestion by a pp to take bubbles and a ball to the park. Kids love that and will come over. It's a start.

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What groups? I see none on the weekends for toddlers. Also I was part of many toddler groups when I was on my six month maternity leave and from what I and others said, people didn’t want to make friends

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CrispieCake · 17/08/2025 00:33

Right
so how does this happen? How many new friends have you made as a lone parents? How many hours do you give to other families? Where did you find these other families to help? How do you manage to work and have a child and do your chores’

To answer your question from a personal perspective, when my DC was at nursery, the nursery parents set up a whatsapp group and would often head to the nearby playground for half an hour after pickup and chat while the kids played. So we met quite a few local parents through that, and had a way of contacting each other if anyone needed help with anything, e.g. was running 15 minutes late for pick-up and so wanted another parent to sign their kid out so they wouldn't be fined, that sort of thing. Similar with school.

cadburyegg · 17/08/2025 00:33

I am not in the same situation as my kids dad is involved.

However I have been a single mum for nearly 5 years now and the best advice I can give you is: build your own village. This takes time and effort. I returned from holiday yesterday and picked up a delivery from my neighbours today. I was shattered and didn’t really feel like making conversation but I made the effort because it goes a long way. I have mum friends I can call on in emergencies and neighbours also because I have put the effort in to talk to people at the school gates, help people in the school parent WhatsApp groups, feed my neighbour’s cat when they go away, chat to my kids’ friend’s parents, help at PTA events, volunteer at the odd beavers evening, go to the school drinks when I can, helped run the village toddler group for 2 years before my youngest started school. Yes it’s more difficult to do when you’re on your own but IF you can make time for these things it’s invaluable. You never know what friendships you might form and what connections you might make. I also work nearly full time and make connections that way.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 17/08/2025 00:35

SlushMountain · 17/08/2025 00:08

My kids don’t see their dad it has 100% affected them I do think people are dismissive on how much affect it can have

Exactly women like to tell themselves that they are enough and all their child needs but actually it's not true.

Children know it takes a mum and a dad to have a baby, and they wonder where their dad is even if they don't ask.

My mum would have liked to have told herself that we were better off, not knowing and without a dad around, but it's just not true.

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:36

You seem to be shutting down every suggestion and resigning yourself to the way you think it will be. I'm not sure that's healthy, for you or for him. When does he start preschool? You could then maybe arrange playdates with other parents to give each of you a break?

I just googled 'toddler groups 'my area ' weekends' and there were quite a few.

Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:37

cadburyegg · 17/08/2025 00:33

I am not in the same situation as my kids dad is involved.

However I have been a single mum for nearly 5 years now and the best advice I can give you is: build your own village. This takes time and effort. I returned from holiday yesterday and picked up a delivery from my neighbours today. I was shattered and didn’t really feel like making conversation but I made the effort because it goes a long way. I have mum friends I can call on in emergencies and neighbours also because I have put the effort in to talk to people at the school gates, help people in the school parent WhatsApp groups, feed my neighbour’s cat when they go away, chat to my kids’ friend’s parents, help at PTA events, volunteer at the odd beavers evening, go to the school drinks when I can, helped run the village toddler group for 2 years before my youngest started school. Yes it’s more difficult to do when you’re on your own but IF you can make time for these things it’s invaluable. You never know what friendships you might form and what connections you might make. I also work nearly full time and make connections that way.

Right but he’s at nursery so I don’t see anyone because we all come at different times…..

also I have people like my brother who lives to minutes away, I’m not in immediate risk. But why do you think your neighbours are your village? What have they done for you? I don’t understand this village term

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Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:38

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:36

You seem to be shutting down every suggestion and resigning yourself to the way you think it will be. I'm not sure that's healthy, for you or for him. When does he start preschool? You could then maybe arrange playdates with other parents to give each of you a break?

I just googled 'toddler groups 'my area ' weekends' and there were quite a few.

No I dont. I’m asking questions. You can’t expect people to do everything. I live in winton in Manchester. Find me weekend toddler groups. Thanks

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Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:40

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:36

You seem to be shutting down every suggestion and resigning yourself to the way you think it will be. I'm not sure that's healthy, for you or for him. When does he start preschool? You could then maybe arrange playdates with other parents to give each of you a break?

I just googled 'toddler groups 'my area ' weekends' and there were quite a few.

He won’t be going to preschool, I work full time

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Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:41

OneNeatBlueOrca · 17/08/2025 00:35

Exactly women like to tell themselves that they are enough and all their child needs but actually it's not true.

Children know it takes a mum and a dad to have a baby, and they wonder where their dad is even if they don't ask.

My mum would have liked to have told herself that we were better off, not knowing and without a dad around, but it's just not true.

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and what about sperm donors? I don’t know if it’s different if the father has meet the kids.

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steff13 · 17/08/2025 00:42

What about sports Can he participate in any sports? I know here they start T-ball pretty young. There could be parents that you meet there and he could make friends there. And if you have a good relationship with your brother and he has his own kids then cousins are usually our first friends, at least in my experience. My kids have good relationships with their cousins.

SlushMountain · 17/08/2025 00:42

Exactly women like to tell themselves that they are enough and all their child needs but actually it's not true.
Children know it takes a mum and a dad to have a baby, and they wonder where their dad is even if they don't ask.
My mum would have liked to have told herself that we were better off, not knowing and without a dad around, but it's just not true.

I agree, I think it’s quite delusional really to believe it won’t affect a child. Even other kids will point it out to them as most kids do have a father around even if their parents aren’t together, my boys have been questioned in school why they “don’t have a dad” “why he doesn’t pick them up from school / come to sports day” etc

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:42

I've mopped my single mum neighbours toddler up while she was bleeding and made tea while we assesed if she needed 111 or 999. I've fed the other side's cats. I've had free tomatoes and chillis, had my parcels taken in, we've mended a joint fence, always natter over the fence in question. We share garden tools, drills etc. And I'm an antisocial arse. Or at least I like to think I am

CrispieCake · 17/08/2025 00:44

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:37

Right but he’s at nursery so I don’t see anyone because we all come at different times…..

also I have people like my brother who lives to minutes away, I’m not in immediate risk. But why do you think your neighbours are your village? What have they done for you? I don’t understand this village term

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If you have your brother living close by, who can help in an emergency, then that's one advantage a lot of people don't have.

The reason we have whatsapp groups is to overcome logistical difficulties around organising meetings in person. It's one of the few advantages of social media.

You set the group up, give it a semi-official title like "Precious Darlings Nursery 2025/6", you invite anyone who you bump into to join, they invite anyone they bump into to join, you all introduce yourselves and your children and then you say "We're heading to the park on Sunday, anyone want to come?".

Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:44

murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:42

I've mopped my single mum neighbours toddler up while she was bleeding and made tea while we assesed if she needed 111 or 999. I've fed the other side's cats. I've had free tomatoes and chillis, had my parcels taken in, we've mended a joint fence, always natter over the fence in question. We share garden tools, drills etc. And I'm an antisocial arse. Or at least I like to think I am

Sounds like neighbours, which I have all their numbers for. I was heavily involved when my elderly one fell and needed help whilst daughter was on holiday. I have all their numbers and we say hello. I also checked in one my neighbours last year. not sure I really need to do anything else. I don’t like them enough to want to spend time with them pretending to make friends

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murasaki · 17/08/2025 00:46

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:38

No I dont. I’m asking questions. You can’t expect people to do everything. I live in winton in Manchester. Find me weekend toddler groups. Thanks

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Does Bloom Manchester West sound ok?

CrispieCake · 17/08/2025 00:46

Sounds like neighbours, which I have all their numbers for. I was heavily involved when my elderly one fell and needed help whilst daughter was on holiday. I have all their numbers and we say hello. I also checked in one my neighbours last year. not sure I really need to do anything else. I don’t like them enough to want to spend time with them pretending to make friends

That's all you need from your neighbours. A friendly working relationship. Box ticked.

If any of your neighbours have a teenager, cultivate them - low-cost, flexible babysitting option for when your DC is older and a bit more self-sufficient.

Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:47

CrispieCake · 17/08/2025 00:44

If you have your brother living close by, who can help in an emergency, then that's one advantage a lot of people don't have.

The reason we have whatsapp groups is to overcome logistical difficulties around organising meetings in person. It's one of the few advantages of social media.

You set the group up, give it a semi-official title like "Precious Darlings Nursery 2025/6", you invite anyone who you bump into to join, they invite anyone they bump into to join, you all introduce yourselves and your children and then you say "We're heading to the park on Sunday, anyone want to come?".

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Thanks

si I’ve been in two local ones like that and people just didn’t meet up. Was weird as fuck. Actually I know of another one for another suburb. Same.

I just don’t get it. I’ve gone to some socials and I’ve meet three people from it. One I like but she’s got other kids. One is mega busy with lots of business and she’s a dr. Another is a single mum as well.

its not like I’m totally alone. But I just find it hard to meet people

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Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:49

CrispieCake · 17/08/2025 00:46

Sounds like neighbours, which I have all their numbers for. I was heavily involved when my elderly one fell and needed help whilst daughter was on holiday. I have all their numbers and we say hello. I also checked in one my neighbours last year. not sure I really need to do anything else. I don’t like them enough to want to spend time with them pretending to make friends

That's all you need from your neighbours. A friendly working relationship. Box ticked.

If any of your neighbours have a teenager, cultivate them - low-cost, flexible babysitting option for when your DC is older and a bit more self-sufficient.

that’s a great idea but none are female and to be honest it’s a low income area and some of the family’s do stuff I don’t agree with - eg let son smoke weed, children drink and cause damage etc. there is one neighbour who I think has a childcare qualification but no experience so I’m not sure.

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DuvetDay12 · 17/08/2025 00:52

My daughter hasn't seen her dad since she was 18 months old and has no memory of him. When he was around he was extremely abusive which obviously had a negative impact on her.

My advice would be not to wait until he asks where his dad is. I've always spoken to her about her dad, had a few pictures available to show her, and given a child friendly explanation of why he's not around. She's 6 now and because of the conversations we've had she's very matter of fact that she has a dad but he's not safe to be around. She doesn't feel sad about it and doesn't feel she's missing out on anything (I'm aware this may change in future).

Remind him regularly of all the people that love him and make sure you prioritise him building a relationship with your family, even if this means lots of travelling to your parents.

Make Father's Day about your dad, my daughter has always chosen to make a card for my dad so Father's Day is never an issue. Speak to his nursery/school before Father's Day to make sure they're aware.

I also found it difficult to make friends during the nursery days, but made an effort to arrange play dates regularly, even if it clearly wasn't going to be a long term friendship. I've found it much easier now she's started school to make friends with the other parents and now have 2 in her class I could call in an emergency. I'm not very sociable so this felt like a lot of effort but it's worth it for the peace of mind.

It's difficult but it's not the end of the world. Unfortunately it's becoming more common for children to only have 1 parent and we can only make the best of what we have. You can choose whether he has a good life or not, one loving, dedicated parent is better than 2 neglectful ones.

Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 00:55

DuvetDay12 · 17/08/2025 00:52

My daughter hasn't seen her dad since she was 18 months old and has no memory of him. When he was around he was extremely abusive which obviously had a negative impact on her.

My advice would be not to wait until he asks where his dad is. I've always spoken to her about her dad, had a few pictures available to show her, and given a child friendly explanation of why he's not around. She's 6 now and because of the conversations we've had she's very matter of fact that she has a dad but he's not safe to be around. She doesn't feel sad about it and doesn't feel she's missing out on anything (I'm aware this may change in future).

Remind him regularly of all the people that love him and make sure you prioritise him building a relationship with your family, even if this means lots of travelling to your parents.

Make Father's Day about your dad, my daughter has always chosen to make a card for my dad so Father's Day is never an issue. Speak to his nursery/school before Father's Day to make sure they're aware.

I also found it difficult to make friends during the nursery days, but made an effort to arrange play dates regularly, even if it clearly wasn't going to be a long term friendship. I've found it much easier now she's started school to make friends with the other parents and now have 2 in her class I could call in an emergency. I'm not very sociable so this felt like a lot of effort but it's worth it for the peace of mind.

It's difficult but it's not the end of the world. Unfortunately it's becoming more common for children to only have 1 parent and we can only make the best of what we have. You can choose whether he has a good life or not, one loving, dedicated parent is better than 2 neglectful ones.

thanks

I just don’t know what to say other than he didn’t want to be a father…. But my son has two half sisters that live in the next suburb. very awkward.

i asked my nursery friend about a what’s app and she said they are on it. I don’t think there is a nursery PTA, she just is quite proactive. maybe I’ll start a Facebook group!

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DuvetDay12 · 17/08/2025 01:13

Sorry I forgot to say that I started to bring him up when she was 2 and a half by reading a book about different types of families. I can't remember what it was called but it was a good way to start the conversation.

Some other books we still read are Two is enough by Janna Mathies, Love is a family by Roma Downey, Mummy and Me by Lydia Bright and Families by Shelley Rotner. The last one has all different kinds of families and when we get to the single parent part we still pretend to be excited and say "that's us!".

It might be a bit of a lie but "he wasn't ready to be the kind of daddy that you need, but I love you lots and we are a family" or something along those lines might be enough. It must be hard to know that he has other children - is he involved with them?

Good idea for the whatsapp group, hopefully there's at least one other parent you click with x

Original poster

ForFunWriter · 17/08/2025 01:17

DuvetDay12 · 17/08/2025 01:13

Sorry I forgot to say that I started to bring him up when she was 2 and a half by reading a book about different types of families. I can't remember what it was called but it was a good way to start the conversation.

Some other books we still read are Two is enough by Janna Mathies, Love is a family by Roma Downey, Mummy and Me by Lydia Bright and Families by Shelley Rotner. The last one has all different kinds of families and when we get to the single parent part we still pretend to be excited and say "that's us!".

It might be a bit of a lie but "he wasn't ready to be the kind of daddy that you need, but I love you lots and we are a family" or something along those lines might be enough. It must be hard to know that he has other children - is he involved with them?

Good idea for the whatsapp group, hopefully there's at least one other parent you click with x

Oh that’s brilliant.

not sure the what’s app will go ahead. I mentioned it two months ago. Facebook one might be good…. But how do people join.

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