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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave 11 year old alone 20 minutes?

55 replies

Onlycoffee4 · 16/08/2025 23:34

Hi, just looking for advice - no bashing please! My child is 11, has quite bad social phobia and ASD. They’re responsible, although they do attend a special school it’s more down to their social needs. They’ve never been left alone before or went into the community alone before.
There’s times they won’t even come with me to my local shop to get what we need for dinner etc. which means when my husband is at work I’m having to JustEat my groceries which is obviously costing more and half the time there’s items missing.
My shop is 5 minutes away, so by the time I got there, got around the shop and got back it would be around 20 minutes max.

OP posts:
Cece92 · 16/08/2025 23:37

It really is done to how the child is. My DD12 and I’ve left her for the odd half an hour since 11. She’s responsible and I trust her. I lock the doors she has a key incase of emergencies she does NOT answer the door to anyone and does not use the cooker. Tbh I don’t think she notices I’m gone 😂 too busy in her Roblox game lol! If it’s stressful for him to go to shops and you feel he’s responsible then I don’t see why not just make sure he’s safe and go over ground rules xx

NoThanksNeeded · 16/08/2025 23:37

So long as you know they'll be sensible and won't panic at being alone... at 11 they are fine for longer than 20 minutes

Once upon a time, 11 year olds would travel home from secondary school alone and be at home alone until a parent came home...

Theunamedcat · 16/08/2025 23:38

I wouldn't but my 12 year old (asd) would freak out i have his big brother "watch him" and he is fine completely ignores him but needs him like a comfort blanket

Comedycook · 16/08/2025 23:38

No I wouldn't do this based on what you have said. I have two DC, one was fine to be left for short periods at that age and the other wasn't. No judgment but surely it's pretty easy to make sure you have enough groceries in to make yourself dinner? Keep some stuff in store cupboard and freezer

Willowkins · 16/08/2025 23:38

I'll say it first - leaving a child on their own depends on how mature the child is. Even if you think they'll cope, try it for 5 minutes first so you can check how they get on.

WorldMap24 · 16/08/2025 23:39

Only you know if your child is ready for that step, but I would expect most 11 year old to be able to cope with this.

teksab · 16/08/2025 23:39

can they use a phone if there's an emergency? You know your child the best. Generally I wouldn't bat an eyelid at leaving an 11 year old at home for an hour or so if they're responsible and can get in touch. I've left mine alone (if I'm nearby say up the road/round the corner) at a bit younger age than that. But some will probably disagree

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/08/2025 23:41

Yes, of course, they'll be fine.
You don't have much of a choice.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/08/2025 23:42

If there was an emergency and he couldn’t get hold of you would he be confident enough to ring 999 or call on a neighbour? As long as his social anxiety wouldn’t stop him from being able to get help in the unlikely event of an emergency (eg: fire) then I think it’s fine to leave him, so long as he is happy to be left.

Smartiepants79 · 16/08/2025 23:44

you don’t say if the child is ok with being left ?
I’d leave my 11yr old.
It does sound like maybe you also need to plan your shopping better though? Why are you needing to have to have groceries delivered so you can eat? Why is the food not already there?

cyvguhb · 16/08/2025 23:45

NoThanksNeeded · 16/08/2025 23:37

So long as you know they'll be sensible and won't panic at being alone... at 11 they are fine for longer than 20 minutes

Once upon a time, 11 year olds would travel home from secondary school alone and be at home alone until a parent came home...

Why do you say once upon a time, that's still the case now for loads of 11 year olds. What else would they do between the end of school and a parent getting home?

Obviously there will be children for whom that isn't possible, no one can say for OPs child but in general its perfectly normal

SpiritAdder · 16/08/2025 23:47

See if they will message you the whole time you are gone. Get WhatsApp and the two of you can chat, send photos.

After a few times, she will probably be ok with message me if you want anything or need me,

StormKevin · 16/08/2025 23:48

If you think it is ok then I’m sure it would be fine. Understandably I think as SEN parents we can shelter our kids too much. Then suddenly something happens when you think fuck it I need to see if my child can actually do this thing that most of their NT peers can do and their parents take for granted. I am amazed at how independent and confident my child suddenly is despite having multiple needs worthy of an EHCP. I just had to loosen the reins a bit. (Well completely throw them away and buy them a travelcard tbh!)

I guess that instinctively you are going to be cautious so if you think he can do it, he can!

SpringSpruce · 16/08/2025 23:52

Would your DC leave the house if there was a fire, go to a neighbour or phone you if they hurt themselves, cope OK with a scary noise or someone knocking on the door?
You need to base it on whether they're able to keep themselves safe.

SlushMountain · 16/08/2025 23:55

I use to until she had a got frightened by something and ran out of the house and had police and social services called on me so just be careful was only 10 mins away, she was always fine until she wasn’t… now can’t leave her at all

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/08/2025 00:01

The most important thing is to be sure they're comfortable enough trying it out.
Have phone charged beside them, plugs out, snacks and drinks.
Stay on phone with them while you walk.
You'll know after the first time.

Notfeelinguptoit · 17/08/2025 00:28

It all depends on the child but I’d say not to with ASD and social anxiety.
My daughter has both of these and I wouldn’t be able to leave her alone I don’t think she would cope.

I feel for you though I’m was stuck in a loop of ordering groceries on Deliveroo as she wouldn’t come to the supermarket(I’m a single mum and have no one to watch her).

Ive started doing click and collect at Tesco/asda now which is working out better could that be an option for you or a standard home delivery?

Pallisers · 17/08/2025 00:34

11 was the age that I started leaving ds for 20 minutes or so - just a run to the shop or a school pick up. Other parents were doing the same. I remember dropping ds to a friend's house at that age and the mum saying "I leave him alone for 15 minutes while I pick up his sister from school - is that ok for you"

My only concern with yours is whether your child would cope in an emergency - you'd know that best - but otherwise I think 20 minutes at age 11 is fine.

HonoriaBulstrode · 17/08/2025 00:39

If there was an emergency and he couldn’t get hold of you would he be confident enough to ring 999 or call on a neighbour?

If the emergency is serious enough to need 999, he needs to do that first, before calling OP or a neighbour. So the question is, can he judge what is a genuine emergency warranting a 999 call, and what isn't?

Original poster
Onlycoffee4 · 17/08/2025 00:46

Notfeelinguptoit · 17/08/2025 00:28

It all depends on the child but I’d say not to with ASD and social anxiety.
My daughter has both of these and I wouldn’t be able to leave her alone I don’t think she would cope.

I feel for you though I’m was stuck in a loop of ordering groceries on Deliveroo as she wouldn’t come to the supermarket(I’m a single mum and have no one to watch her).

Ive started doing click and collect at Tesco/asda now which is working out better could that be an option for you or a standard home delivery?

Thank you. We do have WhatsApp which they can message/call me on. I do get my big shops delivered but there’s times I run out of bits and bobs or the kids decided they want a certain thing for tea or I run out of fresh produce so a quick shop run is needed. I think for now I’ll just keep doing what we’re doing, and maybe trying to encourage them to come along when they can.

OP posts:
thechatclub · 17/08/2025 00:54

I was getting bus to and from school in year 7 only 2 months after turning 11 and then waiting at home until parents got in later in the evening. This was only in 2007. Your child will be fine

HeddaGarbled · 17/08/2025 00:54

Get a weekly supermarket delivery. Keep the fridge, freezer & cupboards stocked. Husband can pick up the odd thing on the way home from work if necessary. I appreciate that sometimes everything falls apart, especially when you have a child with SEN, but you shouldn’t need Just Eat more than occasionally.

Tortielady · 17/08/2025 01:13

Do you have access to Chop Chop through Sainsbury's? You have to spend a minimum of £15 and delivery costs £4.99 - unless you spend £40 in which case it's £2.49. The range doesn't seem as extensive as a standard online Sainsbury's shop, but your shopping can be with you within minutes of you putting the order in.

Squidgemoon · 17/08/2025 07:22

Of course it’s fine. I leave my 9 year old for 15 minutes to pop to the shop. He’s very mature and fine with being left, knows exactly what to do in the unlikely case of an emergency.

Moonnstars · 17/08/2025 07:35

Based on your child's needs I would say no.
I suggest planning your meals in advance and then doing the shopping when your partner is home - evenings or weekends.

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