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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave 11 year old alone 20 minutes?

55 replies

Onlycoffee4 · 16/08/2025 23:34

Hi, just looking for advice - no bashing please! My child is 11, has quite bad social phobia and ASD. They’re responsible, although they do attend a special school it’s more down to their social needs. They’ve never been left alone before or went into the community alone before.
There’s times they won’t even come with me to my local shop to get what we need for dinner etc. which means when my husband is at work I’m having to JustEat my groceries which is obviously costing more and half the time there’s items missing.
My shop is 5 minutes away, so by the time I got there, got around the shop and got back it would be around 20 minutes max.

OP posts:
BCBird · 17/08/2025 07:37

If children decide they want something that you don't have they either go with you or they can't have it. It's that simple

Keepgettingolder81 · 17/08/2025 07:39

I think only you can answer that, cause it completely depends on the child.

minor older now, and obviously don’t need somebody to watch them!

However my oldest child I would’ve quite happily left at 11 for an hour knowing that she would be absolutely fine. My youngest however when he was 11 definitely would not have been left alone because I would’ve come back to a burnt down house!

Zanatdy · 17/08/2025 07:40

I think it’s fine. My DC were getting the bus home
from school in year 7 and staying home alone for 2hrs or so. Obviously you need to establish if she’s mature enough and will be ok alone. You could always get an indoor camera to check in if needed. My DC always knew not to answer the door.

KingstonTown · 17/08/2025 07:45

I actually think it's important that you start to do this. Make sure they have a way to contact you.
Realistically how likely is it that the house will set on fire or burglars break in during the 20 min you are out; much more likely is that they will begin to develop confidence that they actually can be ok alone for a short period.

Natsku · 17/08/2025 07:47

Is your child comfortable with the idea of being left alone for a bit? That's the most important thing, you shouldn't leave a child alone if they aren't OK with it. If they're OK with the idea then give it a go. Make sure they know what to do in emergencies, role play them if necessary, and make sure you are contactable. With your child's extra needs you may need to be extra sure about their ability to cope but its something they have to learn at some point anyway so why not start now?

OldBeyondMyYears · 17/08/2025 07:48

Why can’t you do a weekly/twice weekly online Tesco delivery shop? Surely this is more sensible than using Just Eat!!

Silverbirchleaf · 17/08/2025 07:49

Can you build it up? Start by a five minute walk, and then ten minutes and then fifteen minutes. Do each stage for a week or so before the next. You don’t even have to go far, just out of sight, to a neighbour etc. so if they freak, you can get back.

taxidriver · 17/08/2025 07:50

how does your child feel about it?
can they wait in the car?

GoodPudding · 17/08/2025 07:51

NoThanksNeeded · 16/08/2025 23:37

So long as you know they'll be sensible and won't panic at being alone... at 11 they are fine for longer than 20 minutes

Once upon a time, 11 year olds would travel home from secondary school alone and be at home alone until a parent came home...

That “once-upon-a-time”’ is today!

Years ago it would have been much younger kids left alone for longer. I certainly was, and my mum was always reckoned to be over-protective!

I would OP, but realise your son means you’re more nervous than most. I’d start at going to a five minute walk first and see how that goes, and build up confidence for both of you… and quickly build up to 20.

BondAway25 · 17/08/2025 07:55

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/08/2025 23:41

Yes, of course, they'll be fine.
You don't have much of a choice.

There's no 'of course' about leaving a child with SN.

she does have a choice, several, shop a proper shop when he's at school or when DH is at home, just be more organised with shopping.

Owly11 · 17/08/2025 07:58

How does he feel about it? If he’s ok then leave him. It will be good practice to get him used to coping on his own. Give him written instructions as to what to do in an emergency and try it. What are you worried might happen while you are out?

BondAway25 · 17/08/2025 07:59

thechatclub · 17/08/2025 00:54

I was getting bus to and from school in year 7 only 2 months after turning 11 and then waiting at home until parents got in later in the evening. This was only in 2007. Your child will be fine

Do you have ASD? Other SN?

Ilovethewild · 17/08/2025 08:02

My ASD, socially immature 13yr, attends an independent school for kids with Autism, couldn’t manage mainstream. I started out just before secondary, leaving them for short periods. Obviously had the conversation about what to do, we have safe neighbours who know the child (London eh?!), they were usually engrossed in tech and barely noticed. They were also fine about being alone for this time.

check with ur child, none of us can say but yr child can be given the choice, come to shops with me, 30 mins max or home alone for 30mins, your choice.
if neither are ok, then crack on as you were, you were doing that for a reason.

taxidriver · 17/08/2025 08:04

you know your child best op, since he attends a SEN school due to his social needs it is a different scenario than many would be familiar with.

MasterBeth · 17/08/2025 08:06

NoThanksNeeded · 16/08/2025 23:37

So long as you know they'll be sensible and won't panic at being alone... at 11 they are fine for longer than 20 minutes

Once upon a time, 11 year olds would travel home from secondary school alone and be at home alone until a parent came home...

"Once upon a time..."??

Sirzy · 17/08/2025 08:07

From what you have said it doesn’t sound like he is ready yet.

DS is 15 and as a result of his additional needs still can’t be left alone safely. It’s a pain at times but it is what it is!

ArghhWhatNext · 17/08/2025 08:15

Silverbirchleaf · 17/08/2025 07:49

Can you build it up? Start by a five minute walk, and then ten minutes and then fifteen minutes. Do each stage for a week or so before the next. You don’t even have to go far, just out of sight, to a neighbour etc. so if they freak, you can get back.

Totally agree with this. Introduce it, bit by bit. You can reassure each other that actually - that was ok. This is do-able.

JustAlice · 17/08/2025 08:19

In our area, children can walk home from school from Y5, and most of them do it in Y6. So I suppose after school they stay home alone for much longer than that.

SomeOfTheTrouble · 17/08/2025 08:23

NoThanksNeeded · 16/08/2025 23:37

So long as you know they'll be sensible and won't panic at being alone... at 11 they are fine for longer than 20 minutes

Once upon a time, 11 year olds would travel home from secondary school alone and be at home alone until a parent came home...

Once upon a time? That still happens now, for many families. Childcare doesn’t really exist for secondary aged kids so if both parents are at work then they have to let themselves in after school.
I leave my 11 year old for much longer periods than 20 mins, but it entirely depends on the child and their ability to cope.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/08/2025 08:24

He’s 11 so give him a choice

you say he won’t come with you with - he’s 11 - so tell him

he either goes with you or you go alone and he’s in his own for 20mins or so

FirstdatesFred · 17/08/2025 08:25

If they're up for it, and you've done a little risk assessment in your head
Ie. Can they contact you if needed (my dd could call me via Alexa before she had a phone)
Would they know what to do in fire or flood
What if someone rang the bell (I tell mine not to answer; and I have a ring doorbell)
Would they have someone else to contact if you didn't come back eg. Due to an accident. Perhaps a neighbour or someone else they can call.

Cherrytree86 · 17/08/2025 08:25

Onlycoffee4 · 17/08/2025 00:46

Thank you. We do have WhatsApp which they can message/call me on. I do get my big shops delivered but there’s times I run out of bits and bobs or the kids decided they want a certain thing for tea or I run out of fresh produce so a quick shop run is needed. I think for now I’ll just keep doing what we’re doing, and maybe trying to encourage them to come along when they can.

Show quote history

@Onlycoffee4

surely you tell them if they want that thing for tea that you don’t have in then they have to go with you to supermarket to buy it? Or they can go without and make do with that food you do have in.

MuggleMe · 17/08/2025 08:30

I think a 20 min pop to the shop is the perfect start to independence. Make sure they know not to answer the door, use the microwave etc etc and is competent with a phone to contact you or 999 etc. I'm assuming they won't panic with you gone or if you take longer than expected.

CeeJay81 · 17/08/2025 08:30

I think the special needs part is very relevant here. My 11 year old is left for way more than 20 mins but there are rules and she's happy and fairly sensible. Has a phone and one of me or dh is a 10 min walk away. If she was at special school, I'd be very reluctant but only you know your child.

RaspberryRipple2 · 17/08/2025 08:32

No SEN here but judge it by the child, my 12yo stays at home alone for anything up to 2-3 hours fairly regularly and has done for well over a year. 9yo has also stayed at home with her once for 15 mins or so. You have to start somewhere and popping to the shops is ideal.

ps I’m in my 40s and have never called 999, no one knows what they will do in an emergency until they’re facing it, life experience teaches you these things and only independence will give them that life experience.