First night away with new boyfriend - should I be wary…

[AnnaJ89]

I went away with my boyfriend of 4 months last night and was a bit taken aback by some of his ‘habits’ let’s say. Prior to this, all has been going great with no red flags.

He booked the night as a treat for me. A few issues:

-He street parked a 15 minute walk away so we struggled along with bags because ‘the hotel had no parking’. Turns out it did have parking, but he felt it was a rip off at £15 a night. I’d have happily chipped in if I knew in advance.

-I went in to the bathroom to get ready and there was thick hairs in the sink. I pointed this out and he said he was grooming ‘down below’ and had forgot to clear it. Eww

-We had a really nice meal in the hotel restaurant. I casually remarked my side was a bit lukewarm but still really tasty. Despite me saying not to, he made an issue of this to the waitress much to my embarrassment.

-He used the loo this morning and left the door wide open , shouting out to me whilst sat there for what felt like 10 minutes.

Would you give the benefit of the doubt or take this as an early warning?

If this is his best behaviour a few months in then imagine what he'll be like once he's comfortable... it would be a no from me.

The parking would irritate the life out of me.
I’d actually appreciate the restaurant complaint.
Why didn’t he do his personal grooming before he left home if he really must do it? I prefer men au naturel.
The loo door is horrible - just no.

Clippings and the leaving the door open may just be thoughtless habit, and while it would have been nice if he'd been more careful on your first night way together, it's likely that he can stop doing these things if asked.

The walking fifteen minutes is borderline; I'd probably do it myself if I found the savings worth it as overnight bags are not normally heavy, but pretty sure I wouldn't automatically expect anyone else to. The saying "there's no parking at the hotel" is more worrisome as it's a lie and one that you'd pretty inevitably discover.

Complaining about your food to the wait staff is a red flag IMO. Even if you hadn't specifically told him you didn't want to say anything, why would HE be more effective than YOU at communicating the problem with your side dish? He should have stayed out of it and left you the choice, perhaps offered his backup if you wanted a replacement but felt uncomfortable asking. The fact that he bulldozed in over your objections seems like a pretty early display of disrespecting your boundaries, and that can become a BIG issue later on.

The parking wouldn't really bother me - he was probably just embarrassed to say it was a money thing. Pubes in the sink, not nice but I couldn't get that worked up over it, would just tell him jokingly to clean it up next time and see if it happened again. I don't personally care about the open toilet door issue either, but equally, I'd never do it in front of my partner because I know he wouldn't like it - it's the sort of thing you can quite quickly work out about someone I think, so a bit weird that he obviously didn't gauge you right. The waitress thing would actually put me off more than all the others combined... especially if, as you say, you'd asked him not to say anything. I'm not good at complaining in restaurants but understand there are times when you "should" - it doesn't sound like this was one of those times if you were broadly happy with the meal and had told him not to make an issue of it.

I don't know, none of these things seem like a truly sackable offence on their own and they're probably all things that could be addressed and worked on if you're very keen on him... but from your post I'm not getting a great sense of you feeling like this guy is The One, or anything near it. If that's the case I probably wouldn't bother and would just end it.

He’s mucky and thoughtless (probably also meaning he’s a bit more casual/relaxed around you than you’re happy with), so if that’s a dealbreaker for you, get rid.

But these are not ‘red flags’. I fucking hate that therapeutic language has been co-opted and simplified to mean ‘anything you don’t like’, or ‘someone’s being a bit of a dick’ when it’s actually meant to alert people to patterns of behaviour in relationships that could indicate potential future abuse.

Why are you evening asking? Run for the hills and never look back.

How are his pubes in the sink am I missing something 😂😂

This is a good example of why the only opinion that matters is yours OP because half of the things I agree with this poster and half I don’t (eg the parking wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and I’d just have told him to shut the toilet door but it wouldn’t have bothered me).

OP only you know what is ok for and what isn’t.

It’s good to get other opinions but ultimately only you know if these things are deal breakers or not.

He cut them over the sink because he’d forgotten to do it before he left home.

But he didn’t wash them down the plug hole.

I'd be miffed if DH was daft enough to spend £15 on parking when we could park for free round the corner. What if he felt he couldn't afford the £15, after spending money on a swanky hotel and meal?

Pubes-yuk

Parking-fair enough

lukewarm food-good for him

toilet thing- very odd

Only you know if he’s given you the ick.

Despite me saying not to, he made an issue of this to the waitress much to my embarrassment.

He doesn't hear it when you say no.

EDIT - it's subtle. I missed this when it happened to me. In fact it's so subtle you just thought it was embarrassing. The next time he'll push a little further.

He could and should have shaved at home before leaving. He chose to do it there and leave the evidence. The open toilet door is gross. It's almost like he's marking his territory and showing how little respect he has for you.

As someone else said, he should have dropped you and the luggage at the hotel and then taken the car to the car park.

He's testing your boundaries and seeing what he can get away with. He wants a woman he can treat like this.

The devil's in the detail.

The loo thing would be the end for me

This is the romance stage and this is what he is doing?

its a no from me

the hair issue may have been a genuine mistake

Mistake or not - who the hell combs their pubic hair over the sink?

He COMBED them? 🤯🤯🤯 Surely he cut? Or trimmed or something? Either way, gross. Who did he think was going to clean them up? Did he think she was going to brush her teeth over them or something? Yuk.

I just cringe a bit at stories like this. It’s so so easy to use your brain a bit, then he’d have a lovely woman (presumably) writing about what a wonderful night away it is and how she can’t wait for the next one…but instead she’s writing this and we’re all shuddering a bit.

The same type of man who leaves skid marks in the loo - he's probably saving that little treat for the OP to find on their next romantic night away.

For one night away I'd hardly have enough with me to be "lugging" it anywhere...

It’s a bit gross on a romantic weekend away. He should be wooing you not putting you off!

You're frustrated enough about it to post here.
His behaviour shows you who he is.

That'd be a no from me.

But then again, what might he list about her? What might the replies be?

"She expected me to spend £15 on parking when it was a short walk to a free car park!" She's so lazy, I bet she'd got half the wardrobe with her that's why, I bet you'd spent a fortune already but of course she demands more
"Her meal wasn't OK but she wouldn't say anything." Such a wet blanket, she's just a people pleaser and won't speak up, she wanted you to be a man...

Then maybe the things OP isn't aware he doesn't like either. Maybe:
She took so long putting her make up on we were nearly late
She left used make up wipes on the side
She unpacked her entire suitcase into the drawers so it took ages to get ready to leave
She chews noisily/with her mouth open
She didn't pack her dirty knickers into a separate bag to bring home

Urgh, I'm sorry but on your first night away together? I mean, it's not going to get any better is it? I've been with my partner three years and he would still never do any of that.

Can't believe I've done what i thought was impossible and replied to the wrong post. Please disregard my message! It was a AMA about male prison!

I think the manscaping and leaving it the sink would be the deal breaker. A man who can’t clean up after himself is a major ick. The open toilet door is a close second.

I don’t mind a 15 minute walk so that would be fine with me.

The restaurant thing would annoy me, because I’m perfectly capable of sending food back myself and after 4 months I’d expect him to know that.
all things together, er no thanks.

Oh my god, throw him back. He doesn't know how to behave properly in any given situation. This will only get worse.

He shouldn't have to be told not to be tight or embarrassing on a special occasion, or not to cut his pubes and leave the evidence for you to find, or, empty his bowels with the bloody door open.

It sounds like it's all about him, with no consideration for anyone else.