AIBU to feel a bit betrayed over something from 15 years ago?

[Vegalyra]

Bit of a long one, but here goes…

About 15 years ago, I briefly dated a guy from my uni friendship group. It lasted around 4–5 months, then fizzled out naturally. We stayed on friendly terms and still saw each other within the wider group.

A few months later, he started going out with a friend of mine also part of the same group. I was genuinely happy for them, and we all stayed friends. They eventually got married. I’m married to someone else now and we still occasionally meet up.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago: my friend (his wife) mentioned they were celebrating their anniversary. I was a bit confused, because I remember their wedding being in September (I was there). She seemed a bit flustered and said it was actually the anniversary of when they first got together.

Which made me do the math and realise they must have gotten together while he and I were still going out. We were exclusive at the time.

It’s left me feeling a bit blindsided and betrayed. On the one hand, our relationship was short and everything worked out fine in the end. But on the other hand, I feel like if I’d known that at the time, I’d have cut ties with both of them. It’s kind of shaken how I see the friendship.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt by this, even though it happened ages ago? Should I bring it up, or just let it go as ancient history?

I don't think YABU to feel hurt and upset, but I do think its pointless to bring it up now.

I think I would try to accept it was shitty of them, still occasionally meet up if you want, leave them if you think it was too much of a betrayal, and move along

All your lives have worked out fine, it's not like you're bereft at the idea of having lost him.

Sorry you found out though, it's never a nice thing to uncover.

Why on earth would you bring it up?
What resolution would you want?

I don’t want any resolution. But I feel quite hurt that my friends did that all those years ago.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable around them again, I definitely don’t feel the same about them right now, maybe it will pass. If it doesn’t, I’ll probably end up distancing myself from them. Shouldn’t I tell them why instead of just ghosting?

Maybe they have forgotten when they actually got together? Some people have bad memories for dates and things like that. She was flustered though, so I am probably wrong , but maybe they just have rewritten the past a bit and getting confused? You clearly don’t begrudge them being together now , but I can understand why you feel duped if he was seeing her behind your back all those years ago when it was meant to be a few months after you split up. They have kept that quiet for a long time :(
Did you keep any kind of diary or journals for that time to double check the dates ? it’s not always easy to exactly remember things from 15 years ago , but it sounds dodgy.

You ANBU to feel hurt and upset after finding this out. She must realise you ‘did the math’ and probably told her DH. So they are probably feeling a bit bad about it. But you were all 15 years younger and it sounds like they were meant be together. So after having a moan to whoever, I would just put it behind you. Sounds like you don’t live near them as only see occasionally.

FFS this is ridiculous. You were all young, you were all just dating. There's no betrayal here, just young people figuring things out. Don't be such a bloody drama queen.

If you say anything you’ll look like you still care about him.

I don’t disagree that it’s poor behaviour from your friends. See how you feel in a few weeks/the next meet up and take it from there.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’re not saying that you want him back or whatever. You’re saying that it would have been a betrayal from both of them to have got together when you thought you were exclusive with him. It’s about trust. You thought they were trustworthy and now it feels like you’re seeing them in a new light.

it’s difficult to bring up now because it is in the past, but I am with you in that I would want to distance myself from them, purely on the basis that they don’t respect you as much as you thought. Does shit happen? Yes. Do people change? Also yes. But it would make me very vary about letting them get too close.

The anniversary of when they first met, did they get together right away or was it a slow burn? It could be that your end was due to their meeting and wanting to start.

YANBU to feel hurt, but one good thing is that it has lasted, and they are happily married (as are you), so the universe did its stuff.

Dont stress about it, is history more important than the friendship? Only you can answer that, can you put it right in your head to move past?

I can understand that it hurts. I think it’s fine to mention it, and distance yourself a little. It’s not a nice thing to do to someone, even if time has passed, it’s still not great. And you are entitled to feel exactly whatever you feel.

Did you not do anything that youre less than proud of now, when you were younger??
I look back at some of the things I did and cringe!! Some decisions I made literally haunt me.
Its called growing up, we all do it

I think if someone in their early 20s posted that they'd been exclusively dating someone for 5 months and then found out that their good friend was sleeping with their boyfriend, the advice would be to drop both of them, not 'don't worry about it, you're only young' or 'well if they stay together they were clearly meant to be anyway'. So I think it's normal to feel betrayed, probably more than a bit, because by keeping this from you they took away the choice of whether you wanted to be friends with them for years or not. I think it's OK to vocalise that: it's possible to both not care that the relationship ended, be genuinely glad that things worked out for them, but also be pissed off that a friend thought it was OK to shag your boyfriends and then hide this from you for 20 years. Without mortgages and kids etc it would have been very easy for him to end it with you before they got together

Exactly! This thread is bananas, pp are talking like a marriage was broken up. It was a four month student relationship that fizzled out. Loads of people at university were in scenarios like this—young, randy people, getting drunk all the time and working out who they liked and how to do relationships. The idea that you'd call any of it a betrayal is idiotic, and to actually consider ghosting adult friends over it! Man alive—friendships would never make it past university if these were the criteria.

Is the hurt more about the fact that you've been left in the dark all this time?

If you'd known at the time you'd have responded to the knowledge back then, maybe got over it and still been friends - but from an honest place.

I think just give yourself time to process before doing anything.

Then, if you wish, you could say something about how the fact they knew and you didn't made you feel uncomfortable.

It's ok to take time to review friendships when new info comes to light. You don't owe them anything other than basic politeness.

But it’s not about wanting to fix anything. There’s nothing to fix. It’s about this knowledge changing who you see these people as. Now you know, you know that they’re the sort of people who think cheating on a friend is acceptable. Of course it changes his you interact with them now!

That is is a really unpleasant post for someone who is feeling a normal ( to many people) reaction

Op - emotions aren't rational and you really are perfectly entitled to yours.

I don't think talking about this with your friend will help and it might do harm but talking to someone else who is not in any way involved might . Ideally someone a bit more sympathetic than 'theotheragentjohnson" .

You probably do need to tease out how you want to behave after this realisation. It might affect yout friendship or it might not. Take some time to work out your feelings and then work out what you think about your feelings. How fond are you of your friends, how willing to forgive this hurt ( minor as it might be it is a hurt) .

You can stop seeing so much of your friends if it will make you feel better but work out if that is actually the case and that you are acting purposely and not just reacting.

You absolutely have a choice about how you react and your friends did a shitty thing. Maybe not majorly so and a long time ago but they nonetheless did. You get the choice over how you react to that- not a bunch of strangers on MN

From the OP: Which made me do the math and realise they must have gotten together while he and I were still going out. We were exclusive at the time.

That clearly explains that her boyfriend at the time cheated on her with a friend.

This is AIBU, people come here for real talk. You want validation, post a pass-agg quote about true friends on social media.

If it were me, I’d have trouble getting past knowing that for all this time they’ve known that they both did a spectacularly shitty thing to you and yet they’ve carried on being friends like nothing happened. I hate been lied to and I hate feeling like I’ve been kept in the dark and made a fool of. If other people felt that was dramatic or over the top, fine but it wouldn’t change how I felt. I’d have nothing more to do with them and I’d tell them why.

I totally get where you’re coming from OP.

If you’d have known at the time that your boyfriend was cheating on you with your friend, it wouldn’t have been an amicable split, would it? And I doubt you’d have stayed friends with either of them.

The “amicable split” and the ensuing friendships are built on lies.

I wouldn’t feel the same about them now either.

If you've got married, surely you realise that a brief fling of just a few months wasn't hugely significant? It's ok to feel a bit uncomfortable that he cheated on you, even to check and say "what a tosser you were", but then accept his apology and just move on.

No harm was done. You’re all now happy in your relationships. Get over it.

OP I’d take some time to just sit with your feelings before you decide what to do. Maybe don’t initiate with them and just act polite but distant if you see them.

the same thing happened to me in my early 20s except I found out shortly after. The hurt I felt was immense and actually led to a bit of a breakdown as the betrayal blindsided me. I cut both of them out of my life for about 5 years and blanked them when we were at mutual events.

they didn’t end up together and all 3 of us married new, different people. After around 5 years I started seeing them both at weddings of the wider group and sort of started to do small talk with them, which progressed to some proper conversations and eventually we became friendly again. The woman is now one of my closest friends again!

what your friends did to you was take away the chance to process it. Maybe you’d have eventually forgiven them, maybe not. But either way you’d have made your own decisions based on facts.

on the other hand the benefit for you is that you’re finding out when you’re in a good place, so hopefully that softens the blow as you know you’ve found your happy ever after.

i recommend talking it through with a trusted friend and then taking some time and distance from them before deciding how you want to proceed.

I think the answer to your question is “both”! You’re not unreasonable to feel a bit hurt. But I wouldn’t make more of it than that; accept you feel like that and then let it go as ancient history. It won’t help to rake over the past now (and to do so will look to others like you still have a bit of a thing for the man in question, so all the more reason to let it go without making a big deal of it!)

Personally I'd have mentioned it at the time of the conversation. Something like 'so you got together when I was shagging him, ergh!'

Then move on. 15 years. Different lives, different people.