AIBU to feel a bit betrayed over something from 15 years ago?

[Vegalyra]

Bit of a long one, but here goes…

About 15 years ago, I briefly dated a guy from my uni friendship group. It lasted around 4–5 months, then fizzled out naturally. We stayed on friendly terms and still saw each other within the wider group.

A few months later, he started going out with a friend of mine also part of the same group. I was genuinely happy for them, and we all stayed friends. They eventually got married. I’m married to someone else now and we still occasionally meet up.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago: my friend (his wife) mentioned they were celebrating their anniversary. I was a bit confused, because I remember their wedding being in September (I was there). She seemed a bit flustered and said it was actually the anniversary of when they first got together.

Which made me do the math and realise they must have gotten together while he and I were still going out. We were exclusive at the time.

It’s left me feeling a bit blindsided and betrayed. On the one hand, our relationship was short and everything worked out fine in the end. But on the other hand, I feel like if I’d known that at the time, I’d have cut ties with both of them. It’s kind of shaken how I see the friendship.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt by this, even though it happened ages ago? Should I bring it up, or just let it go as ancient history?

Yanbu to feel hurt and surprised but honestly did you never do stupid, selfish shit in your late teens early 20s? I’m mortified by some of the terrible decisions I made around that time frankly. If someone wanted to cut me off for something I’d done (infidelity in a very short relationship that ended in them
getting married) 15 years ago, when I’d been a good friend ever since I’d say fair play to them and let them go because honestly I think it’s quite childish. In an ideal world I think you’d tell them
that hurt your feelings, they’d genuinely apologise and you’d move on.

Ditch the pair of them, there is no respect for you here and there is no honesty from them as people. They wiped the floor with you. Far too many decent people in the world to waste time on this type. Say nothing, just leave them in the past from today.

Well.it does show that your friend has dubious morals so id keep her at arms length

In my early 20s I was a man eater but I managed to get by without shagging my mates' boyfriends...serious or not.

I can understand why you feel hurt now if you are only just finding out. But honestly, I think I would let it go.

You say you went out for 4 or 5 months and it naturally fizzled out. So it doesn't sound like a very serious relationship and all very vague. Had they started getting closer during the 'fizzle' stage? It doesn't sound like you have a hard and fast time for when you broke up.

Obviously if you can't get past it, then you'll have to drop them as friends. But I think 15 years is a long time. People do stupid shit when they are young. And it doesn't sound like either of you were that into each other. Meanwhile they got married.

I’ve had similar. Split with ex husband, he left, said he’d fallen out of love with me. Divorce all amicable, a couple of years later told me he was seeing a woman I’d known from his work, they got married, I re-married.
Then 15+ years later she posted a photo on SM from their ‘first date’ and exactly how long ago it was and it was when we were very much still together.
I have zero feelings for him and happily married with kids of my own. But it didn’t stop me feeling hurt and betrayed after all that time. And I was annoyed at myself for feeling that way as I didn’t understand why it upset me so much seeing as I’d moved on and it was years ago.

Unless you want to clear the air and are sure it won’t end up in a huge falling out, there’s little you can do other than accept it for what it is and forget about it or keep at arms length.

@Vegalyra

I agree with this! ⬆️

Yes, it was years ago & he was not the love of your life & you're happily married now, etc etc but the fact remains that they both deceived you - at the time & in the years since, when they've kept it a secret. It's really shitty & of course it's niggling you, now that you know.

I'd probably take some time to sit with it & see if you can get past it. If not, back away from the friendship & don't let people make you feel silly for doing so.

It was 15 years ago when you were at university and you only dated this man for a few months. Honestly... who cares? I wouldn't even think twice about this. It was a bit crap at the time but bloody hell, it's water under the bridge now.

I’m probably being dim, but I’m not sure I follow the logic. You say this happened a few weeks ago, so June/July? Could their ‘anniversary’ of getting together have been for the June/July following your split, rather than the June/July when you were in your 4/5 month relationship? Would that fit in with them getting together some months after you split, as you say in your post? You’d have to be very sure of dates to work it out!

That’s awful, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s understandable you were hurt, you were still married and he cheated on you.

I see why you feel upset, but I would try look at the bigger picture. You've managed to stay friends with them for 15 years. Your relationship wasn't serious. You really want to throw away 15 years of friendship over this?

We officially ended things in September. They announced that they were seeing each other in January and she made a big fuss about me being ok with it (which I genuinely was). It now turns out that their ‘anniversary’ is in July 😄

Not unreasonable, I’d ask her straight out, I’d ask him. If they confirmed it, I’d cut ties.

shes hardly being a drama queen ffs! She got cheated on and is upset about it. Maybe you should try to be a bit nicer!

Ah, I see. You are sure about dates!

I’m sorry this has been such a hurtful revelation. If it were me, I think I would feel I had to contact her, otherwise it would just fester.

Maybe along the lines of ‘Hi X. ‘When we met a few weeks ago, I was really hurt when it dawned on me from what you said, that you and Y must have got together before we’d officially split up. It came as a bit of a shock, that’s all. I’m only mentioning it because I don’t want it to be a massive ‘elephant in the room’.

Then just leave it to run its own course. If you find you have no heart for the friendship any longer, then at least they will know why.

On the one hand, I did a lot of dubious things in relation to men I was seeing at that age and looking back it all seems not only somewhat unethical but also deceitful. It seems strange to remember being like that now. On the other hand your situation means you still know these people as friends, so I can understand the hurt. Also June to September is a long time at that age, sounds like he was either hedging his bets or afraid to break up with you, while she was simply going behind your back - though is it the case she wasn't your friend then?

If you can face it, I think I'd challenge them and see what they have to say. It may help you come to terms with it or not, but better than seething privately, I would think?