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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit betrayed over something from 15 years ago?

66 replies

Vegalyra · 16/08/2025 09:51

Bit of a long one, but here goes…

About 15 years ago, I briefly dated a guy from my uni friendship group. It lasted around 4–5 months, then fizzled out naturally. We stayed on friendly terms and still saw each other within the wider group.

A few months later, he started going out with a friend of mine also part of the same group. I was genuinely happy for them, and we all stayed friends. They eventually got married. I’m married to someone else now and we still occasionally meet up.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago: my friend (his wife) mentioned they were celebrating their anniversary. I was a bit confused, because I remember their wedding being in September (I was there). She seemed a bit flustered and said it was actually the anniversary of when they first got together.

Which made me do the math and realise they must have gotten together while he and I were still going out. We were exclusive at the time.

It’s left me feeling a bit blindsided and betrayed. On the one hand, our relationship was short and everything worked out fine in the end. But on the other hand, I feel like if I’d known that at the time, I’d have cut ties with both of them. It’s kind of shaken how I see the friendship.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt by this, even though it happened ages ago? Should I bring it up, or just let it go as ancient history?

OP posts:

MKDex · 16/08/2025 11:41

YANBU to be hurt and I would have a conversation about it at some point. But dont let it eat away at you. We sometimes behave poorly when we're younger x

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 16/08/2025 11:48

Have you ever treated someone poorly when you were young?
You can feel upset but I wouldn't bring it up with hostility.
If the roles were revered other than apologising what else can be done

Pessismistic · 16/08/2025 18:37

I get why you would feel betrayed she’s obviously forgotten that they were cheating behind your back but unless you want to lose the friendship I would let it go they obviously kept quiet in the beginning and you just thought that they ended up together later it was shitty behaviour but it’s done now so you either accept it or pull them up and see what happens next.

Buzzingabout · 16/08/2025 18:40

Well, they are not friends, either of them, are they? Both of them betrayed you back then. Would do again at drop of a hat no doubt. You do not want her near your current man! I would cut off contact.

Cinaferna · 16/08/2025 18:47

YABU. They clearly fell very hard for each other if they are still together now. That's not something you plan or control, especially at that age. It's nearly September, so he did the honourable thing and split with you asap without saying why, probably to avoid upsetting you and because they both liked you and wanted to stay friends. You weren't married, had no kids so he hadn't made any serious binding commitment to you. I honestly think this sort of thing happens all the time when people are young and it is no big deal.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 16/08/2025 18:56

Don't say anything. It is too late. Be grateful that you did not end up with him if that is what he did. I was very much into a guy 50 years ago but did not trust him. There was something 'weak' about him. Anyhow, despite romancing about what might have been, my life ended up so much better. Nice to look back on when you are old, and great to be glad you escaped what may have been a cheat.

Skybluepinky · 16/08/2025 19:25

Let it go, shocked you hadn’t worked it out before.

Pictures50 · 16/08/2025 19:50

He cheated on you and she certainly wasn't your friend.

I would be pissed off in so much as it would 100% change what I think of them both, but overwhelminly about her.

They knew bloody well they were dishonest and thats why they hid it.

I get that you have happily moved on, but I certainly would feel so differently about them..

He's just a guy who cheated, but she was supposed to be your friend.

I don't want to be around that type of women, then or now.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/08/2025 19:54

This has come as news to you, so even though it took place 15 years ago it’s fine to be a bit WTF?! about it privately, I wouldn’t make a fuss about it now though.

HevenlyMeS · 16/08/2025 20:28

I'm so sorry you've experienced this betrayal from 2 people whom you'd presumed you could trust
😢I couldn't trust either of them & I'd be wondering if this female friend would be tempted to try it on with my present partner /husband 😔
Unless there's a reason like when she 1st got with my ex bf she was extremely young & maybe under the influence of drink
Yes I believe it would be sensible & mature to communicate your honest human, natural & most understandable emotions to them
After all, they were meant to be your friends
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best
💚⭐💚

Lmnop22 · 16/08/2025 20:31

Forget it! You both ended up happy so all’s well that ends well.

I would actually want a partner to break up with me if he met someone who he liked enough to eventually marry and have a whole life with

TwinklySquid · 16/08/2025 21:20

The hurt is coming from a place of being friends with someone for 15 years who you might not have been had you known she’d been seeing your partner behind your back. They aren’t the person you thought they were.

The question you need ask yourself is : would you have continued the friendship 15 years ago had you known?

In my view: it’s been too long to kick up a huge fuss, but asking myself the above question, I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore. What sort of friend goes behind a friends back for a man? I’d slowly withdraw the friendship. No shouting match needed but just a withdrawal.

nomas · 16/08/2025 21:23

I hear you, OP. You never got the opportunity to decide whether to continue the friendship or not.

I’d take the power back and go no contact with both of them.

Mumofteenandtween · 16/08/2025 21:28

There is a Death in Paradise episode along these lines. The bridesmaid murdered the (cheater) bride.

Generally though I think that one of the really nice things about long standing friendships is that they have been someone who you have cared about and who have cared about you for years. But you have now learned that that isn’t true for your friend.

I wouldn’t kick up a fuss. I would just quietly step back and leave them to it.

Horses7 · 17/08/2025 01:40

I know it’s a long time ago but I would still feel betrayed and it would definitely affect my friendship going forward.
I would want to tell them (it could be you find out you’ve got your dates wrong) and if it’s true then let the friendship go. Why would you want to be friends with them?

steff13 · 17/08/2025 03:13

I get how it might be a bit of a shock. Have they been good friends in the intervening years? If so, I wouldn't let it affect the friendship.

Silverbirchleaf · 17/08/2025 03:26

yes, I would feel hurt as well. I guess if there wasn’t a slight overlap, then it’s not so bad, and that’s the reason your relationship ended. However, you implied they got together a lot later, so I guess they were seeing each in secret. Maybe not to hurt you ? However, still a betrayal.

Velmy · 17/08/2025 03:41

If you were posting this as a 20 year old when it happened, the advice would be to get rid of them both. It's obviously a horrible thing to do. You may have never spoken to either of them again, or time could have healed it

But 15 years on, you're all married and happy and it was only a short term relationship...I couldn't waste the head space on it personally.

Only you'll know if it's worth losing a friend for. If you can't shake it, talk to her. You might get closure.

autienotnaughty · 17/08/2025 06:20

You found out your ex partner cheated on you with your friend. Then lied and pretended to get together after you split. Then continued that lie for 15 years.

Firstly is it definitely correct, could friend have said wrong date? If it’s definitely true id be hurt by this op, it would be reasonable to message /speak and tell them how you feel but you may not get the resolution you want. Alternatively you can walk away from the friendship.

Starlight7080 · 17/08/2025 06:35

It depends how you look at it.
Yes they did that but you and him had a very sort relationship. He was obviously more suited to your friend. But they both must have wanted to stay good friends with you.
So they kept it to themselves.
They could have got together and slowly distanced themselves from you. If they didnt care about you or a friendship.
Then it probably got to awkward to mention . Especially as probably didnt want to lose you as a friend.

Ladybyrd · 17/08/2025 06:39

I would ghost them.

DoRayMeMeMe · 17/08/2025 06:49

I understand OP.

When you think of their character in the time since then, would you say there is some evidence of the same traits: weak; a bit selfish; tending to spinelessness, or sneakiness.
Or would you say they have grown up since then?
I think they have obviously put some effort into maintaining the friendship too, so I think they probably do like you as a friend and this was just ‘a blip’.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/08/2025 06:50

But knowing that they were cheating behind OP's back has made her think differently about them, which is fair enough. She was happy for them when they got together, never thinking that their relationship started much earlier when she and her ex-partner were in an exclusive relationship.

Her boyfriend and her friend both owed her some loyalty back then, but didn't show her any. I don't think there needs to be a big showdown but if OP invests less time and effort into this friendship, I don't think she is being unreasonable.

hottogo80 · 17/08/2025 06:53

Yanbu. Even though it is irrelevant now and happened many years ago, it was still a betrayal. And as you said, had you known at the time you wouldn’t have continued the friendship and they wouldn’t be part of your life all these years later.

I wouldn’t bring it up with them because they will probably deliberately misinterpret your annoyance for jealousy and paint you out as someone who is bitter about the past, but I would distance myself a bit. Just because things worked out fine, they still took the piss and treated you badly.

Whyherewego · 17/08/2025 06:58

I actually would say something to my friend. Maybe next time just go "hey Sandra, you know you said you were celebrating your Sept anniversary ... Wasn't that when I was still going out with Dave?"
And see what she says. There's a possibility that either you or she has the dates wrong. So that would clear it up. Or that you are correct and he did cheat. And if they did then maybe just say that although this is long in the past, it's just blindsided you a bit that they never told you.
Fwiw I can see why they didn't tell you initially, because they wanted to remain friends. And then I guess after a while it would have seemed wierd to just bring it up. But you do have a right to be a bit upset and annoyed. And you deserve an apology. I just wouldn't end the friendship of 15 years over it personally. But that of course is up to you.

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