Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you ever go back after separating?

59 replies

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 09:24

Can a trial separation ever work? Can you ever go back to your marriage after ending it? STBEX and I live separately and I was the one to end the marriage and move out. Recently we have been discussing the possibility of a trial separation.

The reality of separation and possible divorce has been a massive shock, co-parenting is painful and complicated. Life isn’t necessarily happier (it has only been a few weeks) and I don’t necessarily feel relief that I am free (I felt trapped for years)

Can you ever go back?

His family hate me.
My family hate him.
Our DC were told that we were separating and co-parenting.
What would happen on our wedding anniversaries?
Would things ever be the same again?

My mum has predicted that if I was to go back that H would treat me wonderfully for the first few months, it would be like we were dating again. Then she thinks he would fall back on old habits (treating me badly and using my leaving him as a weapon) my mind would go mad but at least we would be together as a family 🙈

Can time apart and counselling ever help? Would my moving back be confusing for the DC? Is it ever a good idea?

OP posts:
QuickFawn · 16/08/2025 09:47

It’s never easy to start with. But it will be easier than being married to someone who makes you unhappy

User37482 · 16/08/2025 09:49

Stick to it, theres a reason you left.

toomuchfaff · 16/08/2025 10:30

Theres a reason you wanted out, and it was because you werent happy. Just because its harder than you thought, don't be stupid to think you can step back in and it will be any easier, as youve seen, you can never predict, don't just jump back in the fire. Make you NOW better. your past is past.

Dryshampoofordays · 16/08/2025 10:34

Don’t make the decision out of fear or upset. Give yourself time to adjust and settle into a new rhythm, wait until your thoughts feel clearer and the decision will feel easier to make. Give it a little longer.

EvenMoreCrisps · 16/08/2025 10:46

You haven't written why you would want to get back together with the man you felt trapped with, who treated you you badly.
Your kids have been moved, told of the marriage ending. If the man is abusive they will need therapy.
You could get a parenting app, then there's no need to communicate with the man at all beyond child contact arrangements.
Plan a peaceful, enjoyable future.

Zanatdy · 16/08/2025 10:48

Stick to your decision. It gets easier with time.

mintydoggyv · 16/08/2025 10:49

If it did not work the first time it won't work , difficult at first soldier on , well done always a hard thing to do

Original poster
BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 11:15

Thanks all. What ex is saying is that I didn’t give us a chance to work things out. That I just told him it was over and left a few months later. But he always refused counselling when we were together, told me to grow up and get over it when I mentioned past hurts (his bad behaviour towards me) and I did end it a few times but things would always go back to normal. Issues never resolved etc. But with intense counselling I wonder is it worth trying to keep our family together?

OP posts:
EvenMoreCrisps · 16/08/2025 11:24

But he always refused counselling

with intense counselling I wonder is it worth trying

Relationships are meant to be fun and life enhancing. That's the whole point.
If you're at the point of physically dragging a badly behaved man to intense counselling, is this going to be enjoyable?
If he's an abuser (not sure if he is?) no therapist would see you together.

Confabulations · 16/08/2025 11:38

We spent a year separated. We had a few sessions of couples counselling, which focused on identifying our individual flaws in the relationship. We then each had individual counselling to work through those aspects with different counsellors. We then dated for nearly a year before husband moved home. We have a very different marriage now, far more intentional. It has been a number of years now, and honestly, we are better than ever.

A few weeks apart isn't enough to let the emotions settle and find a new rhythm and to really work out what you want.

YetanotherNC25 · 16/08/2025 12:22

It’s far too early for you to make any decisions. Spend time getting used to the new normal because it will always be a difficult transition.
You may end up loving your single life once emotions settle.
But if you want to try again you need more assurances that there will be real and sustained behaviour change from your ex. Counselling could help but he needs to be on his own for longer to experience the reality of his new life too.
It’s possible he could appreciate the life you had together and want to put the work in to change. It’s also possible he could be on the dating sites looking for someone else!
Give it a few months at least before you make any decisions.

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/08/2025 12:46

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 11:15

Thanks all. What ex is saying is that I didn’t give us a chance to work things out. That I just told him it was over and left a few months later. But he always refused counselling when we were together, told me to grow up and get over it when I mentioned past hurts (his bad behaviour towards me) and I did end it a few times but things would always go back to normal. Issues never resolved etc. But with intense counselling I wonder is it worth trying to keep our family together?

One person can’t make a relationship work. What is he proposing has changed, what work is he willing to do? I think it can work if, during the separation there’s real work in both sides to understand what went wrong and real effort to address those issues. They need sorted out before you move back together though, not him moving back on a promise to sort things.

Give yourself time to adjust to your life now, and for him to do the same. If you still feel you want to give it another go do some therapy together and individually, agree on what the issues were that split you up and don’t plan to live together until you’ve both done the work.

None of that applies if he’s abusive, if that’s the case you’re done.

HereWeGo1234 · 16/08/2025 18:29

Only if you can fix what was wrong in the first place.

MyLimeGuide · 16/08/2025 18:31

Don't do it!! Stay strong 💛

Buzzingabout · 16/08/2025 18:34

All you are doing going back is just re-loading the gun.

tommyhoundmum · 16/08/2025 18:41

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 11:15

Thanks all. What ex is saying is that I didn’t give us a chance to work things out. That I just told him it was over and left a few months later. But he always refused counselling when we were together, told me to grow up and get over it when I mentioned past hurts (his bad behaviour towards me) and I did end it a few times but things would always go back to normal. Issues never resolved etc. But with intense counselling I wonder is it worth trying to keep our family together?

Would he go to counselling?

August1980 · 16/08/2025 18:43

Why did you feel trapped?

What do you mean treating you badly? If he abused you mentally and/or physically, don’t go back.
how old are your kids? It will be very confusing for them…

PashaMinaMio · 16/08/2025 18:44

Read my lips!
Leopards don’t change their spots.

I’ve got the cap and tee-shirt. Dont! Just don’t!

OneNewLeader · 16/08/2025 18:45

There will be excellent advice from people here. Read it. The person who loves you, knows the relationship dynamic and is counselling you against reconciling. Take it.

Hankunamatata · 16/08/2025 18:48

Go to counselling to help you decide what you want

burnoutmum · 16/08/2025 18:49

We all look back with rose tinted glasses but what would the you that was walking out the door with bags packed say to you today who’s thinking of going back again?

Pessismistic · 16/08/2025 18:56

I think you should try for longer now you left that was probably one of the hardest things to do. If he was horrible to you going back won’t change him. the fact he told you to grow up means he has no respect for how you felt. I would say the only thing to be worried about is he might move on pretty quickly then you have no choice anymore. I have read another thread on here where the woman wanted to separate and now she has to see her kids spend time with his new gf. Men don’t usually hang about but if you felt trapped think about that.

BrendaSmall · 16/08/2025 18:59

He’s an ex for a reason!

SalmonAndHorseradish · 16/08/2025 19:02

I mean, there are couples who split and get back together so anything's possible, but there's nothing in your OP to suggest it would be a happier relationship the second time around. You've listed a lot of negatives for being apart but no positives for getting back together. He's treated you badly and had no interest in trying to fix things until after you left him; only now is he suddenly willing to make an effort.

What has he done whilst you've been split to demonstrate his commitment to building a healthier relationship going forward? Had he gone to counselling? Got anger management? Has he acknowledged the ways he behaved badly? Is he making co-parenting as easy as possible for you? I'm going to guess he hasn't done any of those things. I agree with your DM, he is telling you what you want to hear but as soon as you're back together he will revert straight back to how he was before, or worse, because now he'll know he can get away with it.

I think most people who get back together do so for the wrong reasons: fear of change, fear of being alone, trauma bonds, etc. You split up with this man for a reason OP. It takes time to build a new life for yourself but it is possible. Don't make the same mistake twice.

Original poster
BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 19:17

SalmonAndHorseradish · 16/08/2025 19:02

I mean, there are couples who split and get back together so anything's possible, but there's nothing in your OP to suggest it would be a happier relationship the second time around. You've listed a lot of negatives for being apart but no positives for getting back together. He's treated you badly and had no interest in trying to fix things until after you left him; only now is he suddenly willing to make an effort.

What has he done whilst you've been split to demonstrate his commitment to building a healthier relationship going forward? Had he gone to counselling? Got anger management? Has he acknowledged the ways he behaved badly? Is he making co-parenting as easy as possible for you? I'm going to guess he hasn't done any of those things. I agree with your DM, he is telling you what you want to hear but as soon as you're back together he will revert straight back to how he was before, or worse, because now he'll know he can get away with it.

I think most people who get back together do so for the wrong reasons: fear of change, fear of being alone, trauma bonds, etc. You split up with this man for a reason OP. It takes time to build a new life for yourself but it is possible. Don't make the same mistake twice.

Yes, DM fears his behaviour would be much worse once he knew I was back for good.

I left due to name calling, using my insecurities as a weapon in arguments and psychological stuff. So so much over the years - if I told him I was insecure in my friendships he would say “no wonder no one likes you” or “no wonder you have no friends” Stuff that would mess up my head. He had mostly stopped in the year that I planned to leave him, ironically we got on better than ever and we had a comfortable life. We shared so many in jokes and history related to our children. Believe it or not we could laugh together and enjoy each other’s company. But it was like being married to two men. One nice and one nasty one.

Since separating he blames me completely saying “you’ve done this” and “you’ve destroyed all of our lives”

OP posts: