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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you ever go back after separating?

59 replies

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 09:24

Can a trial separation ever work? Can you ever go back to your marriage after ending it? STBEX and I live separately and I was the one to end the marriage and move out. Recently we have been discussing the possibility of a trial separation.

The reality of separation and possible divorce has been a massive shock, co-parenting is painful and complicated. Life isn’t necessarily happier (it has only been a few weeks) and I don’t necessarily feel relief that I am free (I felt trapped for years)

Can you ever go back?

His family hate me.
My family hate him.
Our DC were told that we were separating and co-parenting.
What would happen on our wedding anniversaries?
Would things ever be the same again?

My mum has predicted that if I was to go back that H would treat me wonderfully for the first few months, it would be like we were dating again. Then she thinks he would fall back on old habits (treating me badly and using my leaving him as a weapon) my mind would go mad but at least we would be together as a family 🙈

Can time apart and counselling ever help? Would my moving back be confusing for the DC? Is it ever a good idea?

OP posts:
GiveDogBone · 16/08/2025 19:23

Welcome to reality, although it’s the first piece of advice all the MN man-haters give (walk out / dump him), guess what divorce is stressful, being a single parent is difficult and stressful. He’s no longer under any obligation to assist in any way - particularly as you dumped him. And that’s before we get to the trauma for the kids.

You unmade your bed, you don’t get to lie in it any longer.

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/08/2025 19:30

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 19:17

Yes, DM fears his behaviour would be much worse once he knew I was back for good.

I left due to name calling, using my insecurities as a weapon in arguments and psychological stuff. So so much over the years - if I told him I was insecure in my friendships he would say “no wonder no one likes you” or “no wonder you have no friends” Stuff that would mess up my head. He had mostly stopped in the year that I planned to leave him, ironically we got on better than ever and we had a comfortable life. We shared so many in jokes and history related to our children. Believe it or not we could laugh together and enjoy each other’s company. But it was like being married to two men. One nice and one nasty one.

Since separating he blames me completely saying “you’ve done this” and “you’ve destroyed all of our lives”

Show quote history

There’s nothing in what you’ve written that suggests he’s taking any responsibility for his behaviour towards you or has any insight into why you left. On that basis I’d say you’d be mad to go back - and absolute minimum would be him recognising his behaviour was wrong and him showing you now that he’s changed. Instead he’s doubling down on his treatment of you and his blame of you. Unless he shows significant, immediate and consistent change over a long period of time I’d not be giving him a second chance. Listen to your mum on this one.

SalmonAndHorseradish · 16/08/2025 19:33

GiveDogBone · 16/08/2025 19:23

Welcome to reality, although it’s the first piece of advice all the MN man-haters give (walk out / dump him), guess what divorce is stressful, being a single parent is difficult and stressful. He’s no longer under any obligation to assist in any way - particularly as you dumped him. And that’s before we get to the trauma for the kids.

You unmade your bed, you don’t get to lie in it any longer.

Edited

'Man haters'. Are you him? No-one said splitting up is a bed of roses but it's infinitely better than staying in a toxic relationship. Splitting up is hard on kids but it's better than being exposed to arguments and psychological abuse.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 16/08/2025 19:36

I left after 7 years (not married) we had 3 dc. Split for 6 months. He persuaded me he had changed. Got married 10 weeks later. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Filed for divorce as soon as was allowed.. A year in.
Don't do it op..

Original poster
BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 19:44

Yes it was toxic and for many many years I felt trapped and that my life was a lie as people did not know what was going on behind closed doors. But unfortunately on the other side it’s equally difficult, just in different ways. I miss my family unit and us all being together. All the little things like Saturday night takeaways and movies and family days out. It’s hard to see families all together now. The arguments were much less frequent and he had seemed to mature a bit but it was hard forget how he used to speak to me.

I have regrets though that I was the one to break up my family. I feel like I should have just managed his behaviour somehow or tried to let go of the past and all the things he had said to me. We had a comfortable life and we were all together. Things are very complicated now, not necessarily better.

OP posts:
Campingisnexttogodliness · 16/08/2025 19:48

He is an abuser.. That doesn't go away.
Your relationship was a toxic one.
That won't be different.. He isn't any different..
Your poor dps must be distraught..

TwinklySquid · 16/08/2025 19:51

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 11:15

Thanks all. What ex is saying is that I didn’t give us a chance to work things out. That I just told him it was over and left a few months later. But he always refused counselling when we were together, told me to grow up and get over it when I mentioned past hurts (his bad behaviour towards me) and I did end it a few times but things would always go back to normal. Issues never resolved etc. But with intense counselling I wonder is it worth trying to keep our family together?

The chance was the few months notice you gave before you left.
Getting back together only works if he was the one looking at counciling, and actively changing. But it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything. So why waste your time on someone who can’t try to save their relationship? One person trying isn’t enough.

You are just scared because of the change. Roll with the uncomfortableness . It will pass

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 16/08/2025 19:56

I have a friend going through this at the moment and he has decided to try again with his wife whilst continuing to live separately. They are currently papering over the cracks IMO but only time will tell.

No abuse as far as I know in my friends situation though. In yours I wouldn't bother op. You left him for very good reasons.

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 16/08/2025 19:59

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 19:44

Yes it was toxic and for many many years I felt trapped and that my life was a lie as people did not know what was going on behind closed doors. But unfortunately on the other side it’s equally difficult, just in different ways. I miss my family unit and us all being together. All the little things like Saturday night takeaways and movies and family days out. It’s hard to see families all together now. The arguments were much less frequent and he had seemed to mature a bit but it was hard forget how he used to speak to me.

I have regrets though that I was the one to break up my family. I feel like I should have just managed his behaviour somehow or tried to let go of the past and all the things he had said to me. We had a comfortable life and we were all together. Things are very complicated now, not necessarily better.

Op it's just guilt your feeling. Not regret. It's really normal and natural to feel guilt in this situation. You didn't want this, if he had been different you wouldn't have done this.

He's treated you like crap for years and trained you to think it's your fault. It's not it's his.

Do not take him back.

alondonerabroad · 16/08/2025 20:30

The reasons it’s over will still be there but now, as you say, will be overlaid with the fact that you left him. Your mum’s right. I wouldn’t go back, I would concentrate on getting your life together with the kids and improving your own situation. Just like some jobs, there’s a reason you don’t go back. Just the fact that you finished things means you’re in a different place now than you were when mired in the relationship. What the phrase “rear view mirrors are small but the front windscreen is much bigger cos you’re looking forwards, not back.

MySweetMaggie · 16/08/2025 21:19

I split from my husband with two little children and got my life together, I actually had money for once and started to feel better without the constant upset. We had been in couples counselling for a bit during the marriage, however he decided it was just my fault and left counselling, I just ended up going alone.

After six months separated, felt guilty that I had split everyone up, so I went back. My husband made all the promises in the world that things had changed, but as soon as we moved in together again, it was worse than ever. It was like he was in control now that I had 'given in'. I don't think he realised I would actually go through with divorcing him. I did, and it's been 12 years now being a single parent. He has made every step incredibly difficult, however I didn't have to live with him, thank God.

Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons · 16/08/2025 22:21

I know several people who separated when younger for a year or so, then got back together and stayed happily married afterwards for decades. There was a reason why they got together. Life becomes difficult with hard work, money worries, parenting and relationships become stressful. A separation gives you both chance to think about why you got together, how you were being with each other (generally two sides to every story) and what you both want out of life. It gives you a chance to step back from the arguments.
In your twenties and thirties there is a different perspective and as you get older and look back things become more calm and easier.

So yes, I think there often is a way back but it takes two and calm positive thoughts on both sides to work through the difficulties and agree to face them together without blame and recriminations.

iirbRosb · 16/08/2025 22:33

Be honest with yourself OP- likelihood is that you did try and try for years and you told him he was making you unhappy and what he needed to do and he didn’t do it….so you tried but he didn’t. Now he realises you’re serious and he wants to put the effort in to change things but he didn’t care enough before, it’s too little too late.
you’ve done the hard bit for your children, don’t unsettle them by getting back together only to split up again. Ride these feelings out and know that if he’d done whatever he’s now saying he will
years ago this wouldn’t have happened

iirbRosb · 16/08/2025 22:36

Also something to think about is whether things were better as you planned to leave because you stopped caring/let things go over you as you knew it wasn’t going to continue. When I was planning to leave DH he thought we were getting on really well as we weren’t arguing so much but that was only because I could not be bothered to keep challenging his behaviour and I’d stopped caring as I knew I’d be out of there soon

JohnofWessex · 16/08/2025 22:36

Early in our divorce my ex wife suggested that we try and have another go. Specifically that we look at the issues that caused our marriage to break up and agree to go on some courses to tackle those issues.

Not that I am aware of one called 'Stop being a Physco but I may be wrong'

OK said I BUT you will have to go on an anger management course

Bang when that proposal!

MrsJeanLuc · 16/08/2025 23:45

BaaBaaStripySheep · 16/08/2025 19:44

Yes it was toxic and for many many years I felt trapped and that my life was a lie as people did not know what was going on behind closed doors. But unfortunately on the other side it’s equally difficult, just in different ways. I miss my family unit and us all being together. All the little things like Saturday night takeaways and movies and family days out. It’s hard to see families all together now. The arguments were much less frequent and he had seemed to mature a bit but it was hard forget how he used to speak to me.

I have regrets though that I was the one to break up my family. I feel like I should have just managed his behaviour somehow or tried to let go of the past and all the things he had said to me. We had a comfortable life and we were all together. Things are very complicated now, not necessarily better.

@BaaBaaStripySheep your mum is 100% right! I think you know this deep down.

And your DH is unpleasant and controlling. He has managed to get you to think that YOU have to take responsibility for HIS bad behaviour (you absolutely do not), and he is gaslighting your feelings.

Give yourself more time. Those little things you miss will soon be replaced by new activities and routines.

Please please don't consider going back to him. You don't say how old your children are, but it would give them a terrible message about what is acceptable in a relationship.

AnaisVB · 17/08/2025 00:00

My parents split up for a year and got back together and everything as been amazing since . Probably quite rare but it is possible.
I would give it more time though as a few weeks isn’t long . It was obviously serious enough to trial it in the first place .
The families will support you in the end I’m sure .

Bowies · 17/08/2025 01:32

No I would say not.

He had plenty of opportunity to do the counselling. He’s (still) being manipulative.

He should go and do some on his own if he is now motivated to do so - that could also be something that benefits you, but wouldn’t start counselling now as a couple.

As PP have said there are good reasons why you split it wasn’t on a whim and it does get harder before getting better.

Stay as you are until the dust settles and reassess where you are in 6 months?

You were unhappy you might still be unhappy currently, but at least there is a chance to move on and find happiness now.

Willquery123 · 17/08/2025 01:41

Your mum is right.

Nanof8 · 18/08/2025 20:09

It can be done. It may take a few years apart though. My parents separated for about 9 years when I was in my 20s.

CountryTunes · 18/08/2025 20:14

If you are having doubts about separating then maybe you are not ready to separate? You don't want any regrets about your decision. It is probably better to be sure you've done everything you could to save the marriage and have it not work a 2nd time than live with regrets and what if

FridayFeelingmidweek · 24/08/2025 13:30

Confabulations · 16/08/2025 11:38

We spent a year separated. We had a few sessions of couples counselling, which focused on identifying our individual flaws in the relationship. We then each had individual counselling to work through those aspects with different counsellors. We then dated for nearly a year before husband moved home. We have a very different marriage now, far more intentional. It has been a number of years now, and honestly, we are better than ever.

A few weeks apart isn't enough to let the emotions settle and find a new rhythm and to really work out what you want.

Do you have children Confabulations? Just interested, as we're in a similar position but I am worried about the confusion for the kids and potentially not working out again, creating more upset for them. Without kids, would be more straightforward.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 24/08/2025 13:34

OP, I am in a similar situation, was actually searching for a thread like this before I started one.

I am also not sure, already living apart. I am so worried about the impact on kids if it didn't work out again, far more trauma than needed. Also, I do wonder if my friends and family would ever be the same again with me/us, probably not (infidelity on his part) and would probably have to accept I would lose some friends if we tried again. I certainly couldn't talk to them if things ever went wrong again.

I feel 99% sure it's over as he was awful for a while. It's just gut wrenching that family life is over.

InterestedDad37 · 24/08/2025 13:39

We still live in the same town, and have both been at 2 family events this year, perfectly amicably. But it's nearly 10 years now, and there's no going back for either of us. It was my decision to end things, there were no affairs or anything, and we both now know it was for the best. We once loved each other dearly, and know that the other is fundamentally a decent human being. Our kids (all grown up and living their lives) appreciate how we've handled things ☺️

fthisfthatfeverything · 24/08/2025 13:44

Don’t go back.
always remember the reason you left.