Can you ever go back after separating?

[BaaBaaStripySheep]

Can a trial separation ever work? Can you ever go back to your marriage after ending it? STBEX and I live separately and I was the one to end the marriage and move out. Recently we have been discussing the possibility of a trial separation.

The reality of separation and possible divorce has been a massive shock, co-parenting is painful and complicated. Life isn’t necessarily happier (it has only been a few weeks) and I don’t necessarily feel relief that I am free (I felt trapped for years)

Can you ever go back?

His family hate me.
My family hate him.
Our DC were told that we were separating and co-parenting.
What would happen on our wedding anniversaries?
Would things ever be the same again?

My mum has predicted that if I was to go back that H would treat me wonderfully for the first few months, it would be like we were dating again. Then she thinks he would fall back on old habits (treating me badly and using my leaving him as a weapon) my mind would go mad but at least we would be together as a family 🙈

Can time apart and counselling ever help? Would my moving back be confusing for the DC? Is it ever a good idea?

I’m so sorry you are going through all that. It’s so difficult isn’t it? When I left my husband I was mainly thinking about our relationship or lack of. I didn’t stop to consider the devastating loss of the family unit. Everyone says that two happy homes are better than one miserable one but I’m not so sure now.

I wonder how things would work if we tried again -

Would we ever receive a wedding anniversary card from our family? Would it be inappropriate?

Could we ever post a photo of the two of us on Facebook again knowing what our friends know? (Silly thing to worry about I know)

Could I ever see his family again as they hate me cos I was the one to leave?

Ex is so so angry at me and says I nuked our lives even though I left due to his behaviour towards me (he admits it but says I didn’t give him a chance to put things right.) he can barely look at me.

We are talking about a trial separation but do we tell the kids? We have told them we have split up and that’s it.

He had plenty of chances to put things right, he is a gas lighter OP.

You haven't had time yet to create a happy home, that's a longer term prospect, you are still reeling from recent change.

The stuff about anniversary cards etc - of course, why wouldn't you receive them if you were together?

Please don't go back. He will always resent you and bring up your leaving him in every argument.

Generally, your children will be happier if you are. Good luck

He would do that unfortunately.

Yes, we do. They were pre-teen to mid teen when we went through it. I won't lie, it was incredibly hard for them, which was part of the reason we didn't rush things and made sure it was what we both wanted before he moved home.

I knew I wanted to work things out and stay married, husband was not and it took him a long time to decide. I didn't chase, I got on with my life and left him to his. Kids had refused to visit him while we were separated and both old enough that no court would ever have enforced it, so if he wanted to see them, he had to come to the house. He turned up on one occasion and I had visitors. He turned tail and left. I asked him why and he said it was eye opening that I had a life without him and that was what it would be like to be divorced, no longer able to come and go as he wished from my home. Shortly after that, he decided he wanted to work things out.

And on this, yes, there was someone else involved while we were separated. But honestly, against all MN beliefs on infidelity, there has never been a sniff of anything since. It was very much a symptom, not a cause, which again, I know MN doesn't like to believe.

If anything, I was the awful one to live with, and I didn't take him seriously when he tried to talk to me about how unhappy he was becoming. I suffer from unbearable hormonal mood swings, and got worse and worse as my 40s progressed. He tried to tell me, and I wouldn't listen, just got angrier with him. HRT has helped, but I had to go private to get properly stabilised.

I have definitely lost some friends over deciding to work things out. And my siblings still avoid him/me. That is their choice to make, same as I made mine. Part of the counselling I had helped me recognize that my values system is very different to theirs.

We had a 6 month break when my DC was 3. Got quite a way into divorce proceedings. Then we realised that we both wanted to try to make a go of it, and wished it hadn't happened.. We "dated" for a few months to avoid disturbing our child so we knew it would be stable. And we talked about what we both wanted from our marriage. I realised there were things I had to change too, there are 2 sides. A lot of it was work stress.
When we got back together my family was apprehensive but accepted, his family was delighted for us. Friends were also apprehensive but accepted. We agreed we would never recriminate or bring it up, and we didn't. There would have been no point in point scoring.
Despite what people say, we never reverted. Everyone else quickly forgot and moved on. DC very happy. Had more children and are still happily together 40 years later.
So it can work with the right attitude on both parts.

Glad it worked out for you. That’s a lovely positive story. You are right too that it could only work if neither party brings it up or blames the other. I have said to my H that if we were to try again that we would both have to draw a line in the sand and have a fresh start. He couldn’t bring it up the fact that I left him in arguments or use it as a weapon. And I wouldn’t bring up his behaviour in the past that caused me to leave. It would have to be a fresh start on both sides. Also we would both have to admit fault and work hard to improve them.

Ours was a complicated situation, we also had a very stressful job in the mix, a disabled child, I have ADHD, my husband is probably autistic and suffers from depression. We have a lot going on and it wasn’t necessary black and white.

I hope you work it out. We also later had a disabled child, which actually brought us closer together. I did ask my DH what he wanted from marriage before we got back together, and he said he wanted to be left alone 😂. And that's when I realised there were faults on both sides, and I had probably expected far too much and had nagged about trivia in what was an incredibly difficult work situation for him. He is also a reserved person who just likes to potter at his hobbies, whereas I am the opposite. We just accept each other for who we are now and enjoy each other's little foibles.