Pregnancy made me realise I don’t want a 2nd

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Posting here for traffic.

As the title says, I have just found out I’m pregnant and all it has done is confirm that I absolutely do not want a 2nd child.

I have 1 DC who is 3, who is genuinely the light of my life. However I’ve made no secret of the fact I also find it incredibly hard, and have always been unsure whether I even wanted 1 let alone more.

We have been speaking about having a 2nd, and whilst I’ve never been 100% no as a little bit of me wonders what it would be like, I’m more than happy with 1. My husband would love another, but was happy with whatever I decided.

Fast forward to now, and despite being on the pill I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant. And all I can think is that I’ve completely ruined my life, and I absolutely do not want a 2nd. We can afford it, both in time and money, but selfishly I just don’t want one.

I’m finally starting to get a bit of me and my old life back - time with friends and for me, just got a great promotion, my husband and I have regular date nights etc. - and the thought of going back to nappies/night feeds/maternity leave again makes me want to cry. But it’s not just the baby stage - now it’s a reality, I just don’t want 2 children at any stage. 1 is hard enough despite what a joy they are, and the thought of doing all of this twice over makes me nothing but shudder.

I found out a few days ago and haven’t told a soul. I know I need to tell DH soon, but as soon as I do that’s it - it’s reality. I’m absolutely pro-choice, and I know I do have a choice here. But there is no way DH would support that choice when he wants a 2nd, which I completely respect. So what kind of choice is it - either option seems hopeless. I either -

1. tell DH and have a 2nd despite categorically not wanting it.
2. tell DH and have a termination, but knowing that quite rightly would be the end of my marriage.
3. don’t tell DH and have a termination, but that feels so many levels of wrong I can’t even comprehend.

I’m actually sat here hoping I come on my period and it’s a chemical pregnancy - how awful of a mother does that make me?!

What the fuck do I do.

Such a tough situation for you.

You do say in your post your husband would love another, but would be happy with whatever you decided. I think you will have to talk to him and be really honest about how you are feeling since finding out. He might surprise you with how he responds.

But of course you should not continue the pregnancy if you absolutely do not want another child, as difficult as this is.

Just as an aside, panic when you find out you are pregnant is completely normal-particularly 2nd and 3rd for me-I am not saying this is what is happening for you, but give yourself a little time to think everything through as well.

Oh OP you poor thing. I found out I was pregnant again totally by accident when DD was only 6 months old. I was just gutted and also wished for a miscarriage (which seems terrible now) I knew I wanted a second though at some stage it was just completely wrong timings, I was finding Motherhood very hard to adjust too and was still in the thick of it with a 6 month old. The difference was my DH (now ex) was onboard with what ever decision I made so I could tell him how I felt. In your shoes if you 100% know you don't want another and are 100% certain your DH would not support you I would go with option 3. You are in a no win situation whichever way you turn but ultimately this is your body and not your DHs.

I really feel for you but if you know you are heading for a termination do it sooner rather than wait wishing you all the best

I’d go with option 3

I’d go with option 3 and live with that, you know if you tell DH that he will pressure you the sooner the better I don’t think you’d mentally cope with this pregnancy and I’ve never read a post when I’m convinced you mean what you say.

I personally have found that having 2 wasn't any harder than only having one. In some ways it was easier as they had someone else to play with instead of just me (which was rather draining).

If you really don't want the pregnancy, I would also go for 3.

If DH is happy with what you decide about 1 or 2 kids, and he knows you weren’t trying are you sure this would end your marriage if you told him and terminated?

If you have a termination and don’t tell him you’ll have to keep that quiet for the rest of your life. It will also be on your medical records and you may be asked about it in the future if you have any medical situation where it could be relevant so you’ll be having to ask your DH to leave the room every time it’s discussed which will obviously make him suspicious. If you don’t tell him now it’s quite likely you’ll end up telling him later, forever is a long time, and that will be even worse.

A few years ago a friend of mine had a termination when she felt the timing really wasn’t right for her and her husband supported her with it despite wanting to keep the baby. They did go on to have a baby together, but have stopped at one because she doesn’t want more.

Oh OP this is a really tough situation. I would go with option 1 or 3. I would ring bpas now and say you aren’t sure but want to speak to their counsellors. You need to support to talk through your options. Then after that hopefully you can make a decision.

Sorry you’re in this situation op. I completely hear you, and I believe many women who have terminations already have children.

I would be honest with him and do option 2, on the basis that if you feel you have to hide this from him and he doesn’t respect that you don’t want to put your body through this again, then the marriage is not the best thing to continue anyway.

This is miss information, a termination through Bpas you can ask for it not to be on your medical records and your GP will not be informed.

That’s a terrible situation, i feel for you. I can’t advise but I can say - I didn’t want a second child when my dc1 was 3. Those first three years almost broke me, I found the early years exhausting, isolating and relentless and I felt I had lost myself; relationship with dh was on its knees. If I had fallen pregnant then…I would probably have cried for weeks knowing I had to do it all again.

But belatedly I realised I did want that second child we originally planned, so after a gap I had dc2. And I know that our family is complete (frankly I’d secretly love a third and fourth but I’m now too old!).

Once my dd was 4 and once my ds was 5 they each became such wonderful little people. My second child (ds) has always been so independent! He gets himself up and dressed, makes his breakfast, plays independently. He helps out at home, he’s funny and so beautiful. I smile every time I see him, he is my sunshine.

You need to talk it through with your dh, explain your feelings. What could be done to make you reduce the dread? Don’t do this all alone. Could dh take a proper paternity leave - could you bottle-feed and let him be SAHD after the first 5 months so you can return to work? Can you find a regular babysitter so you don’t lose those nights out with Dh? Can you afford a mother’s help so you don’t have all the hassle landing solely on your shoulders?

Think about solving those problems, and see how you feel.

I’ve found the opposite. I currently have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and the 1 year old at this age takes my attention away from the 4 year old. Plus she has given us hell since she was born by not sleeping.

It might be great to have 2 as they get older, and it was fine in the early days when I could put my youngest in a carrier, but it’s really difficult right now.

Can't believe people are recommending option 3.

You need to talk to your husband

lol. Yes because constantly being split into 2, having 2 sets of schedules and routines to follow, one pair of hands and two kids wanting you at the same time is so easy 🤣

Option 3, that’s what I would do in your position anyway. It’s the kindest option for all of you.

I found going from 1 to 2 absolutely awful. I’ve got a 3rd and 2 to 3 was so much easier.
Option 3 op, and don’t feel a moments guilt about it. I’d actually be questioning your marriage if the other options are genuinely a forced unwanted pregnancy or a divorce. Does he not care for you or his current child?

I'd just go with option 3 and wouldn't feel guilty about it. Option 1 will ruin your marriage anyway if you feel the same after the baby is born.

But are you sure you are pregnant? Would be unusual if you are on the pill unless you know you've had an issue with taking it.

Op you need to talk to your dh. Option 3 would end your marriage

I personally would tell. And if I’ve decided that I want a termination I would voice that.

With my second, I told him and said I wanted a termination. I knew he wasn’t keen on terminations (from past conversations) but he was very supportive.

We ended up keeping the second - I went to the appointments and kept backing out. I’ll be honest and say that whilst we have a great kid (in terms of temperament), life has been difficult (in terms of unexpected health etc) which has made parenting difficult. But, we have a huge age gap between our first and second and I know that it gets easier when they become more independent.

I would make up my mind before having the conversation. If you do have a termination and you tell him I’d advice booking in couples councelling soon after - which is what me and my OH planned as we knew it could bring up resentment or unspoken feelings.

Don't hide it from him. That will come back to bite you at some point. Just be completely honest about how you feel and what you want.

It sounds like you think your husband would leave if you terminated this pregnancy. So you either go through with it, despite knowing that it isn’t what you want and run the very real risk of resenting him for putting you in this position, or you go with option 3 and terminate without telling him.

Personally, I wasn’t that bothered about having kids, hated being pregnant and really didn’t really enjoy being a parent until DS was around 8 so he is an only child. I wouldn’t hesitate to go with option 3 if I were you.

It's absolutely huge. Might be the case talking about small kids but as teenagers, young adults, and adults, having two is MASSIVELY different. Especially if there are additional needs, lifetime problems, failure to launch, university/career problems....

There is nothing wrong at all with choosing to have one child. It's a hell of a lot easier and cheaper too. Go with your heart OP.

Thank you for correcting me. I genuinely didn’t know that. This could make a big difference to OP’s situation. Though I still think it would be a difficult secret to keep, if only from a personal point of view of it playing on your mind and feeling that you should tell.

I'd probably go with 3. At this stage it's not a baby it's a medical situation your body is undergoing and he has no right to know. Yea the moral thing may be to tell him but in this case its not going to change the outcome, ita just going to hurt him, so taking a pragmatic approach it's not going to achieve anything by telling him. Also...I definitely found two harder than one, for the first 2 or 3 years anyway

Even if it was on OPs medical records, I can't forsee many situations where it would come up (outside pregnancy related situations, which isn't going to happen again).

The biggest chance of him finding out is if something goes a bit wrong or you need some extra checks or support during the termination process