Pregnancy made me realise I don’t want a 2nd

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Posting here for traffic.

As the title says, I have just found out I’m pregnant and all it has done is confirm that I absolutely do not want a 2nd child.

I have 1 DC who is 3, who is genuinely the light of my life. However I’ve made no secret of the fact I also find it incredibly hard, and have always been unsure whether I even wanted 1 let alone more.

We have been speaking about having a 2nd, and whilst I’ve never been 100% no as a little bit of me wonders what it would be like, I’m more than happy with 1. My husband would love another, but was happy with whatever I decided.

Fast forward to now, and despite being on the pill I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant. And all I can think is that I’ve completely ruined my life, and I absolutely do not want a 2nd. We can afford it, both in time and money, but selfishly I just don’t want one.

I’m finally starting to get a bit of me and my old life back - time with friends and for me, just got a great promotion, my husband and I have regular date nights etc. - and the thought of going back to nappies/night feeds/maternity leave again makes me want to cry. But it’s not just the baby stage - now it’s a reality, I just don’t want 2 children at any stage. 1 is hard enough despite what a joy they are, and the thought of doing all of this twice over makes me nothing but shudder.

I found out a few days ago and haven’t told a soul. I know I need to tell DH soon, but as soon as I do that’s it - it’s reality. I’m absolutely pro-choice, and I know I do have a choice here. But there is no way DH would support that choice when he wants a 2nd, which I completely respect. So what kind of choice is it - either option seems hopeless. I either -

1. tell DH and have a 2nd despite categorically not wanting it.
2. tell DH and have a termination, but knowing that quite rightly would be the end of my marriage.
3. don’t tell DH and have a termination, but that feels so many levels of wrong I can’t even comprehend.

I’m actually sat here hoping I come on my period and it’s a chemical pregnancy - how awful of a mother does that make me?!

What the fuck do I do.

Yes. He may surprise you by respecting and loving you more than a child which doesn’t exist yet (certainly not in the way you do). Why do you doubt this?
if you go for 3, it will be corrosive and if he ever did find out then that really would destroy your relationship in the worst way.

Yes, I'm revolted by some of these responses. He's her husband and father of her child, not some random one night stand.

srry he has a right to know either way and it is wrong to go ahead with termination and not tell him that would be beyond cruel and wrong

You have to talk to your husband, which leaves you with option 1 or 2. Or option 4: tell your husband and urgently seek some therapy input to support you through whatever your decision. For what it’s worth, I thought I wanted 2, then when it didn’t happen became very certain we were done and happy with 1. Then number 2 came along. Totally different baby, totally different experience, it’s a bit harder and busier but not that bad, nowhere near the transition of 0-1. I’m glad this is where we’ve ended up now.

wow your poor husband obv u don't have any care consideration or respect for him to lie and go behind his back and people wonder why women get a bad name

Option 3.

You really need to tell your husband - this would be a huge secret to keep for the rest of your life.

Plus grossly unfair for her DH, who has expressed a strong desire to have more children. If he is that desperate for more he has the right to leave the marriage and find someone else to have more with. Just like if the situation was reversed.

Thank you for all of the responses so far, they genuinely have made me feel less alone. To pick up on a few of the points -

DH is a wonderful man who in no way would pressure me or force me to go through with it if I was adamant I didn’t want to. The comment about it being the end of my marriage though is around whether or not he could forgive me/would resent me for getting rid of, for him, a much wanted child. Even if he did support me now, which I have no doubt he would, it’s more the future impact I don’t know whether we would survive.

I know, however, I very likely would end up being the one to resent him if I do continue with the pregnancy and end up with a child I do not want.

That leaves option 3 - which reassuringly a lot of people are recommending. However it does feel like too much of a betrayal and I would have to live with that secret, which I just don’t know whether I can do. And as somebody has pointed out, if he were to ever find out at a later date then the fallout would be horrific. I do also feel that as my DH and the ultimate father, he does have a right to know.

So I still have no idea. I’m due out for my friends hen do tonight which is also massively stressing me out. I obviously can’t tell anybody I’m pregnant, I can’t go and not drink without it being obvious (trust me, me not having a wine they would know), but I can’t go and drink because that feels all kinds of wrong despite me probably not continuing the pregnancy. So I’m not trying to think what to say/what sicky to pull that’s believable to DH too as he knows I’d never not go willingly.

I have just filled in the online consultation for BPAS, which seems a big step in itself. Thank you to the person who confirmed it doesn’t go on your medical records - that was a big worry initially.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I would do option 2. Personally I couldn’t live with the guilt of lying to dh and having a termination.
You’re very early on in your pregnancy, some people don’t even know by now. Go out and have a few drinks (make up an excuse and say you feel sick after 2/3). Then think about your decision when you have more time.

It is also her body and choice not her husbands.

Just to be aware, that’s the theory but I did this (many many!) years ago, said I didn’t want it on my medical records… and I assume there was a cock up, because it was added- I asked for my records for something else and it was there.

That was with Marie stopes, in the mid 2000s.

if you can keep something as massive as a termination from your husband what else are you hiding from him the posters saying option three should not be reassuring it should be ringing alarm bells big style

agree some of the responses are horrendous if people can keep this from a partner then what else are they hiding I feel bad for their poor partners and the partners should run miles from these seriously toxic women who are recommending such a thing

Oh please, I never said it wasn't. She's obviously entitled to have a termination with or without her DH's consent.

But isn't it also her husband's marriage? Surely he's entitled to all of the facts before deciding whether or not he actually he wants to continue with this marriage or find someone else with whom he can potentially have more kids? Or are we now encouraging women to lie to men in order to trap them?

Why are folks arguing about what this when op asked for an opinion and being called toxic FFS. How about having some sensitivity on what must be very hard for the OP instead of making it all about you!!!

In that case I would go for option 3, forget about it and move on. You will need to think through how you can deal with the physical after effects - if it’s the same as a ERPC which I had after mc 3 this should be very minor. I was back at home mid pm with only
light spotting for a day or two afterwards. Worked as normal the next day.

what is toxic is having a termination behind husbands back shows a person is capable of lying and being disrepectful and serious toxic would ring alarm bells and raise serious red flags

But OP is well aware that he’s going to try to pressure her into going ahead with the pregnancy. If she doesn’t she knows there is a high chance he will leave her which will have a huge impact on their DC. I wouldn’t have had to hide this from my DH because he would not have tried to pressure me.

Do not have a child you don't want. Not just about resenting your DH but that child as they grow

Slightly off topic but why would her DH npbe in medical consultations with her to be needed to ask to leave

I just wouldn't tell him, why wish either pressure to keep it or recriminations if you don't keep it

and if he finds out about this he should leave her also she doesn't know this as she has not let partner make an informed choice but chosen lies and deceit to fix an issue that in my book it toxic she may as well have an affair it her body after all her husband needn't know

Presume he then be taking his vpcurrent child with him since he's the one who is so wanting kids IF that was the case

Could there be another option: you talk to your lovely husband , tell him you’re pregnant and if he wants to keep it he takes nine months off work and does all the night shifts and caring for both children? After that when the baby is in nursery he is still the main carer.

I am very pro it's my body my choice kind of thing. However I'd absolutely do option 2. I respect my husband as a partner to tell him what I would be doing in regards to having a termination. However by telling him I'm giving him a choice to whether he wants to seek therapy, end the marriage or support me through it. I'm not sure it's very healthy to go behind his back.