Pregnancy made me realise I don’t want a 2nd

[Sfex1]

Posting here for traffic.

As the title says, I have just found out I’m pregnant and all it has done is confirm that I absolutely do not want a 2nd child.

I have 1 DC who is 3, who is genuinely the light of my life. However I’ve made no secret of the fact I also find it incredibly hard, and have always been unsure whether I even wanted 1 let alone more.

We have been speaking about having a 2nd, and whilst I’ve never been 100% no as a little bit of me wonders what it would be like, I’m more than happy with 1. My husband would love another, but was happy with whatever I decided.

Fast forward to now, and despite being on the pill I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant. And all I can think is that I’ve completely ruined my life, and I absolutely do not want a 2nd. We can afford it, both in time and money, but selfishly I just don’t want one.

I’m finally starting to get a bit of me and my old life back - time with friends and for me, just got a great promotion, my husband and I have regular date nights etc. - and the thought of going back to nappies/night feeds/maternity leave again makes me want to cry. But it’s not just the baby stage - now it’s a reality, I just don’t want 2 children at any stage. 1 is hard enough despite what a joy they are, and the thought of doing all of this twice over makes me nothing but shudder.

I found out a few days ago and haven’t told a soul. I know I need to tell DH soon, but as soon as I do that’s it - it’s reality. I’m absolutely pro-choice, and I know I do have a choice here. But there is no way DH would support that choice when he wants a 2nd, which I completely respect. So what kind of choice is it - either option seems hopeless. I either -

1. tell DH and have a 2nd despite categorically not wanting it.
2. tell DH and have a termination, but knowing that quite rightly would be the end of my marriage.
3. don’t tell DH and have a termination, but that feels so many levels of wrong I can’t even comprehend.

I’m actually sat here hoping I come on my period and it’s a chemical pregnancy - how awful of a mother does that make me?!

What the fuck do I do.

i am of the same mindset agree it her body but the disrespect in not telling him would scream she is toxic this doesn't just effect her there is her husband and another kid to consider not saying anything would be very selfish

It's a tough situation but it sounds like you have to tell your husband and take it from there. Sometimes there is no ideal solution.

Eh? Are you implying OP doesn't want her existing child either? Presumably they would have shared custody like the majority of other separated parents?

Option 3.
You don't want to continue the pregnancy.
If you do, you'll be full of resentment.
If you don't, he'll be full of resentment.

What is the point of causing resentment? It's not the kindest thing for anyone involved and that includes your existing DC. It really is for the best that nobody knows. Ok, you may feel guilt about keeping quiet. Accept the guilt as the price you had to pay to maintain the status quo, which is best for your existing DC.

No I'm not implying anything of the sort. But if the husband was so desperate for more kids that he'd leave and run off with someone else to have them i do hope he wouldn't think of dumping the current one on the OP full time

Which part of the OP implied he would 'dump' their current child if they split? Total fabrication, or perhaps projection on your part.

Women desperate for more kids when their husbands refuse are often encouraged to leave them and start afresh with someone else. Why should this bloke be conned into spending his life with someone who doesn't want the same things out of life he does. He's entitled to all of the facts before he decides if he wants to continue the marriage.

Someone else has pointed out that I’m actually wrong and it doesn’t have to be on your medical records, which is good news. As to husband being present at medical consultations, this sort of thing can happen easily if you’re ever an inpatient. If DH happens to be visiting at a time when the doctor happens to pop round for a chat (never predictable), they would ask if it’s okay to discuss in front of DH and OP would have to say no. Might not seem particularly relevant at the moment, but forever is a long time and you never know what might happen to you health wise, especially as you get older. If it were on her records OP could be 40 years down the line still having to worry about him finding out and having him question what she’s hiding. Since it turns out it’s possible to have a termination without it going on her records that’s not an issue thankfully.

I couldn't live with option 3, and so I'd be telling DH how I felt and asking him to be the one to take a year of paternity leave.

I worry your marriage isn’t as strong as it shouldn’t if you know he won’t support your choice. I don’t think that’s a right he has at all, and to leave you and his 3yr old because of it would make him an arsehole. He can be sad and disappointed and all the rest of it, but if his decision was to leave, then that is not a good partner or father. He should go and have individual counselling to come to terms with it.

I don’t know what I’d do. 2 or 3.

I don't think I could do option 3. I hate having secrets, they make me feel so anxious. If my partner did that and I found out it would be something I'd be unlikely to be able to move past.

@Sfex1 for the hen party there are a few types of antibiotics that you must not drink with, also antifungals I think. You can invent something, ringworm somewhere embarrassing or candida overgrowth or infected toenail and say the pharmacist told you you must not drink with these meds.

I’d be of the option 3 camp. If you can cope with not telling anyone.
I suspect huge numbers of women do this to avoid “hurting” their partners feelings, especially if their partners want more kids. This is second of these posting in just one month on MN.

I think the best advice has already been given, go along and book appointment and go to counselling services. Talk it through with them. Know yourself it is absolutely what you

But, the issue is you have to actively choose not to have children, it’s not a choice to have kids . Pregnancy can happen even with contraception as the natural outcome of sex as you know. (Unless sadly you have infertility issues).
so at some point you’re going to need to do something more permanent to stop getting pregnant, or you may face this same issue again. And possibly even again. That needs open and honest conversation with partner, to reach understanding you’re stopping at one especially if you’d prefer him to step up and have vasectomy rather than you have female sterilisation. If you have that conversation to reach a point when he can accept that you will only have one child, then you won’t be in this situation ever again of needing to lie to him. As I say, that, imho, is the bigger issue.

In 40 years time, a chemical abortion is not going to be at all relevant to any health condition she has.
or even in 2 years time

any more than having an early miscarriage she may not have even ever been aware of. Huge numbers of women spontaneously miscarriage in first 12 weeks, hence why advice is to wait till post scan to announce. And why scans are delayed to that point.

she has already had one pregnancy and live birth - that is only relevant bit needed to be known by medical teams frankly, now or in future.
same as it’s irrelevant to medics, now I’m passed my child bearing period, that I had two pregnancies and two c-sections. Only thing that is vaguely relevant I. Gynae or my current gastro discussions is that I have had kids, and had c section.

there’s a huge amount of scare mongering about how having an abortion will come up in future medical conservations. Nope, it won’t. Not unless that was your only previous pregnancy and you’re suddenly finding you are struggling to conceive, especially with a different partner…might be relevant then.

keeping a secret is far from ideal. But that’s related to having to sustain that secret, and not be able to talk with dh about the sad predicament she is in and for him to support her. But please don’t wave the “it might come out in medical conversations” , that’s a completely unnecessarily and misleading added stress she doesn’t need,

Sorry…I do realise you’ve apologised and am really not trying to have a go at you…I responded just now more to point out to others in reponse to your post …

I’d also point out…doctors and consultants are also particualrly crap at looking back at medical records anyway! As I’ve just pointed out I’m having gastrointestinal issues investigated, that I’ve had for years. I have to tell THEM how long ago I first raised this, what tests I’ve had. Even though it’s on my records. I don’t know if the electronic records are limited to a few years history, but they never seem to have info they bother looking at or reading, even where it would actually be quite useful to them 🤷‍♀️🙄

I have two children but I've also had two abortions in my marriage. My first one was before we had kids and I had a complete mental breakdown being pregnant and the second one was when I fell pregnant when my first was only six months old. Both times my husband would have wanted me to continue with the pregnancies but supported me in my choice with an abortion and we've stayed together. I couldn't have gone behind his back and done it and was prepared for the outcome of my husband leaving me. You may very well find your husband probably doesn't leave you if you do tell him.

Option 3 then get a coil put in.

Why would you put this in reply to me saying that actually someone’s corrected me and it won’t be on her medical records?

As to saying even if it were on her medical records it wouldn’t get mentioned, I disagree. Unfortunately I have had lots of experience of doctors and hospitals. Of course they shouldn’t bring it up, but doctors can be incompetent, stupid, self righteous, ignorant, arrogant, any other number of things. Not all of them by any means, but I’ve encountered some worryingly bad ones. One of my favourites is when, having had depression in my early teens, being referred for an investigation into joint pain that turned out to be a serious disability in my late twenties, the referred letter began “please see this patient with a history of depression”, well over a decade after any mental health issues and to ask someone to look at the cause of pain in my left wrist. Was it relevant information? No! Did the doctor decide to lead with that information when writing about a completely unconnected issue? Yes! I could tell more stories about my experiences at the hands of assorted doctors over the years but don’t wish to derail the thread. You just need some judgmental prick to decide that a termination in your twenties is related to your need of a hysterectomy in your sixties and choose to bring it up. Of course it’s not relevant, but that doesn’t actually stop some doctors saying the wrong thing. I do agree they can also be completely negligent about looking things up, having once arrived at hospital for surgery and had to tell the doctor what operation he would be performing on me that day.

Thankfully all this doesn’t matter since it turns out you can have a termination without it appearing on your records.

Option 3

If you terminate and hide it i think the guilt will cause a gulf in your marriage anyway. And if you then confess afterwards he might never get over the fact you didnt trust him.

Id give myself a few days to think about it, it is a shock. And then talk to DH