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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this just getting older? Does life feel like this for most people my age?

52 replies

Ubdea · 15/08/2025 20:22

I’m almost 40. I’ve always struggled a bit mentally with OCD, anxiety etc but on the face of it I’ve had a decent life with a good career, lots of friends and I suppose a pretty normal looking existence.

I have experienced depression once following a particular incident and it was horrendous, like darkness. So I know that what I am experiencing now is not that. I also take a small dose of sertraline to control my anxiety a little

For a while now, maybe a few years, I’ve just felt like I’ve been getting through the day. I don’t really get excited about anything. I have a toddler and a partner and we have enjoyable times that I look forward to…but I have this overwhelming feeling of tiredness. As if I just don’t really care. I used to love doing my hair and make up and I would take my time ensuring I looked smart and I had a mild interest in fashion. I would wash my hair daily and always have a new perfume on the go. I’d see friends often and be ok with a long drive. I’d have chats on the phone and enjoy it. I used to like wandering round the shops. Even having a meal in a restaurant, one of my previous pastimes, I don’t really enjoy much anymore. I find places noisy and exhausting. I can barely be bothered to eat at home either as I feel too lazy.

I don’t think it’s my toddler… she sleeps through and I work part time and have two days a week totally to myself. I do have the opportunity to see friends and to make an effort with my appearance etc but I just don’t.

ive been to the GP and had endless blood tests and so on… all come back fine. I also take iron tablets as my ferritin was a little low but only a little! It was in the 60s. It’s also been as low as 17 before and so it can’t be that.

Are these feelings just getting older? I don’t ever feel a spice for life anymore and I used to be witty and fun and energetic.

OP posts:
Mumrant123 · 15/08/2025 20:29

I don’t think so. I’m 39 today and don’t feel like that. I have young children and sometimes don’t get time to wash my hair or put make up (I would have never left the house like that before!) but it’s more lack of time than anything so I don’t think it’s age IMO.
I look forward to so much.

Original poster
Ubdea · 15/08/2025 20:30

@Mumrant123 I feel like life is done really , I can’t think of anything good to come

OP posts:
GargoylesofBeelzebub · 15/08/2025 20:31

No. Its not. I'm quite a bit older than you and having more fun than ever.

I know you say you don't think it's the toddler but I was exhausted when my kids were pre school age.

HappyHedgehog247 · 15/08/2025 20:32

This sounds like depression, maybe different to how you experienced it before but anhedonia- lack of joy in anything - is a key symptom

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 15/08/2025 20:32

Perhaps a chat with your GP and upping your dose would be a good idea.

TheSilentSister · 15/08/2025 20:37

I think it sounds like you've lost your zest or sense of yourself a bit. That can happen when you have a child, all the focus is on them, making them happy etc. You forget about yourself a bit.
Don't rule out depression, it doesn't always take the form of a dark cloud.
Do you have anything to really look forward to? Like a special holiday? Any hobbies/interests you'd like to take up? Are you feeling supported enough at home and at work? If not, these can make you more tired and generally out of sorts.
You could be pre-menopausal but I presume your Dr has ruled that out. Otherwise I don't think it's your age, just wait til you hit 50 plus and menopause in full swing, lol. I don't mean to make light of that, it can be awful, it was for me.
I've been through most things and always eventually come out of them, a better and wiser person. I've learnt to carve out time for myself, put myself first and make no apologies. At 58, life is good.
It's good that you've posted OP. Someone will come along and what they've said will ring a bell for you.

Thispupsgottofly · 15/08/2025 20:40

Can sertraline dull other feelings as it does your anxiety?
I think once you have a child and you're "settled down" life can seem a little less exciting because it's like your life is set now not filled with a million possibilities as when you're younger.
I'm nearly 40 with a toddler and feel a bit like this but I do still get excited about things and look forward to things.

tinyspiny · 15/08/2025 20:40

No it’s not normal , although I doubt you are alone in feeling like this . I’m late 50s and thoroughly enjoy my life .

Original poster
Ubdea · 15/08/2025 20:40

Thanks everyone.

I do have things to look forward to I’m just never truly excited about it. I don’t ever feel that fire inside me.

I also have this ongoing sense that everything is a bit ridiculous…like I can’t really take anything seriously anymore. I can watch debates in parliament and I think it’s all so meaningless… I never used to ve like this

OP posts:
Milly16 · 15/08/2025 20:43

Maybe start by considering that maybe what you enjoy has changed. I feel as though I'm less sociable, but I love nature, reading and spending time with the few people I'm very close to. You have all the fun and joy ahead of you with your child too. Maybe you actuallu quite enjoy work. That's also OK.

KateMiskin · 15/08/2025 20:43

I am 53 and make sure to have fun at least weekly if not more. Just got back from a solo trip to the seaside.

JustPinkFinch · 15/08/2025 20:43

This sounds like it could be peri, and blood tests likely won't tell you anything as hormone levels vary so much. You could consider asking the GP for HRT.

How you describe things is exactly how I felt/feel in perimenopause. HRT helps. Doesn't solve, but helps.

PhaseFour · 15/08/2025 20:44

I can only speak for myself, OP, but these days I definitely detest shopping, and shaving my legs and putting effort into looking nice is something I wish I could avoid, so somethings that you've said resonate with me now I'm in my early at 50s, but didn't so much when I was 40.

I think I had more of a zest for life at 40 than what you've described, but looking after a toddler is hard work, and can be draining.

From my mid 40s onwards, I let a lot of friendships slide - I just felt like I didn't have the time, it was too much effort, I was exhausted and so couldn't be bothered.

But I recall feeling very happy some of the time, and and inner contentedness at other times. There were also times when I felt the opposite of this, due to a very abusive relationship.

AliceAbsolum · 15/08/2025 20:46

Yes I feel very similar at 4 with a toddler. Mild dread about how many years I've got left.

Milly16 · 15/08/2025 20:46

Ubdea · 15/08/2025 20:40

Thanks everyone.

I do have things to look forward to I’m just never truly excited about it. I don’t ever feel that fire inside me.

I also have this ongoing sense that everything is a bit ridiculous…like I can’t really take anything seriously anymore. I can watch debates in parliament and I think it’s all so meaningless… I never used to ve like this

I do think that's age. I'm a bit older than you but there was a period of disillusionment as I started to see the world and life as it really is. Now I've gone through that I can enjoy things more again. But I do understand, and I think it's normal. I have found things have improved now my kids are older and I can do my own thing again more

AliceAbsolum · 15/08/2025 20:46

40!

MaryGreenhill · 15/08/2025 20:47

Have you had your thyroid tested @Ubdea only l had exactly this and l was found to have hypothyroidism .

Nospringchix · 15/08/2025 20:48

JustPinkFinch · 15/08/2025 20:43

This sounds like it could be peri, and blood tests likely won't tell you anything as hormone levels vary so much. You could consider asking the GP for HRT.

How you describe things is exactly how I felt/feel in perimenopause. HRT helps. Doesn't solve, but helps.

I was thinking that too. I can identify with the loss of enthusiasm for things whilst knowing it's not necessarily depression and in my case it was peri too. Well worth going to the GP.

Adrinaxo · 15/08/2025 20:54

Reading this I feel the same these last few
months, my iron has been low though and I've stopped b/feeding after three years so I think it's maybe that. There's usually a reason..
also grief, we've lost four family members in five years and it's been hard

abracadabra1980 · 15/08/2025 20:54

I could have written this almost every decade for one reason or another that was invading my headspace. I’m post 55 now and honestly, my most peaceful, happy, contented times have come not with age, but from post abusive relationships that have slyly stolen my innate personality. I am now living a single life, my DC are able to cope and survive without me should I drop dead tomorrow, but I’m absolutely loving life right now. The pressure is off in every sense of the word. Yes my body looks shit, but it’s born me two humans, I look older - you get used to that. I have no kids to worry about, no husbands to keep bringing my self esteem down, and only one DM left alive to possibly care for. Just me, my dogs, my cats and a very part time job that I love. I just can’t believe how depressed I was all those years ago when all I could think about, waking up, was how much I wanted to die.
if I could have this age for ever, post menopause fatness and all, I’d choose it every time over being 18-30. It’s my ‘chill decade’ and long may it continue!

JLou08 · 15/08/2025 20:58

I'm a similar age and also have a young child. I do find quite a lot of joy in things but I am also very tired. I very rarely wear make up, clothes are just for comfort, meet ups with friends are pretty much just for play dates. In my 20s I took a lot of pride in my appearance, went out with friends at least once a week, went to the gym a few times a week, loved shopping and day trips. All that slowly dwindled from mid 30s.

MadameTwoSwords · 15/08/2025 20:59

Ubdea · 15/08/2025 20:30

@Mumrant123 I feel like life is done really , I can’t think of anything good to come

Don't know how to reply directly, but sending you lots of love. It's not just ageing. You're going through what sounds to me like mild depression, but I'll leave it to others more qualified to feed in here - editing to say I'm slightly older than you and feel genuinely happy most days and enthusiastic for the future, which I didn't in my twenties when I had depression. Treat it early and aggressively for the best outcome.

Hungrybrood · 15/08/2025 21:04

TheSilentSister · 15/08/2025 20:37

I think it sounds like you've lost your zest or sense of yourself a bit. That can happen when you have a child, all the focus is on them, making them happy etc. You forget about yourself a bit.
Don't rule out depression, it doesn't always take the form of a dark cloud.
Do you have anything to really look forward to? Like a special holiday? Any hobbies/interests you'd like to take up? Are you feeling supported enough at home and at work? If not, these can make you more tired and generally out of sorts.
You could be pre-menopausal but I presume your Dr has ruled that out. Otherwise I don't think it's your age, just wait til you hit 50 plus and menopause in full swing, lol. I don't mean to make light of that, it can be awful, it was for me.
I've been through most things and always eventually come out of them, a better and wiser person. I've learnt to carve out time for myself, put myself first and make no apologies. At 58, life is good.
It's good that you've posted OP. Someone will come along and what they've said will ring a bell for you.

I just wanted to say that your reply was really kind and heartfelt and you sound like a lovely person!

TheSilentSister · 15/08/2025 21:09

@Hungrybrood - aww, thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it. Made my day!

WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo · 15/08/2025 21:10

I completely understand where you’re coming from. I feel like all my big events are over, things like a wedding, having kids, big job opportunities and country moves. I guess it’s like all my big opportunities are done now and this is life. My youngest is 3 but I’m not exhausted or in the trenches like it is with younger children. I think mine is partly down to losing my mum last year as she was a massive part of my daily life and it fundamentally changed my mindset.