Step family contact after divorce

[Anonforthisone1]

If you had been in a child’s life since they were one. Raised them completely for over a decade of their life. Family insisted on be called nanny and gran etc. step grandparents had frequent contact like sleepovers. Was incredibly active in raising child You had children with relationship that you have eow contacted with would you still have a relationship with said child (when this is what the child actively wants and actively asks for all the time) or would you basically drop them and decide you no longer want to see them other then a hi during drop of or the odd two min phone call.with other extended family wanted zero to do with said child. Not talking about joining in on the eow contact but even maybe seeing for occasional sleepovers or a day out every couple of months. Seperation has been around two years.

Realistically in most blended situations, people don’t have ongoing contact with children they aren’t related to, after a split.

Depends on the reasons for divorce.
If it meant maintaining contact with a family that was supporting an abusive ex, for example, then I’d drop contact.
If everything was reasonably amicable, I’d definitely still want to maintain contact with the child.

Even if the family wanted to basically be grandparent/parent to child and the child had very little (basically) contact with bio dad? So a child has basically been treated like family the majority of their childhood and is now being dropped.

Parents had Amicable seperation. Both unhappy so mutually decided to split.

Yes, I dont think it makes much difference what the relationship was like while you were married, for most.

This is the reality of blended families and raising ‘as your own’. It’s mostly an illusion. It’s facilitated while you’re together due to circumstances. It ends when relationships end, for the most part.

Surely this is incredibly cruel to the child when this is all that they have known. and can cause significant abandonment issues.

would it make sense for children’s needs and wants to be prioritised in this kind of situation.

Maintaining contact / co parenting is hard enough when it is your biological children. Some people don't manage it even then.
Less so when it is non biological children

That’s on the parent. This is the choice made when you introduced DC to partners, this is the inherent risk involved.

So single parents shouldn’t move on or have a family just incase. Should they just parent and have nothing else?

surely the answer to this is if a person decides to actively want to parent and family actually push wanting to be part of life and getting upset when child didn’t call them nanny and act completely like their bio family then they should continue to treat all children similar for the sake of that child?

I have wondered about this. I briefly dated a man who had full custody of his (then) ten year old. He told me he had been in a relationship with a woman when his child was 2 to 6. They lived together and she was the child’s main caregiver during this time (the bio mother lived in another country and had minimal contact). Then they split and… that was it! I thought surely the woman would be grieving over losing contact with this child, and vice versa. An awful situation.

With this example we are talking 1-13 pretty much the whole of a child’s childhood and all they can remember

Depends on the people. I have friends who as adults still have a strong relationship with their step parents even though the step parent has split from their bio parent. Just think depends on the person.

as a step parent the issue I had when I saw the children with no bio parent involved was I was effectively little more than a babysitter.

if you have no parental responsibility for the child you need to factor in the parent can stop
contact at any time. Is it good for the child to maintain a close relationship that is so fragile- contact is often stopped when the ex gets a new partner. Is it better to dial it down a little and not be so involved?

then you have the problem around decisions. I took a step dc to hospital once and it was a nightmare as I couldn’t contact the parent and I was not able to make decisions.

i think it’s easier to maintain a relationship with older stepchildren where you can have a separate relationship. You can’t really co-parent younger children with an ex if you don’t have PR.

but surely they could go for the occasional overnight stay or even go around for the day occasionally? Maintain a relationship with a child like you would a nephew for example rather then an actual coparent.

i think the child’s views at 13 would be the most important factor. In 3 years the child can leave home and live with whoever they want. There is a transition period between 13-16 when a child is expected to gradually have more independence, see their own friends etc. My dc sorted their own contact with their dad from about 14. They have phones and didn’t need me to be involved (and he wasn’t pleasant to me so it was better for me to have less contact).

If I was that in situation and contact was blocked but the child wanted it I would probably send cards and presents and so they knew I was interested in maintaining a relationship and the door was being left open and then it would be their choice when they were older. I wouldn’t drop them.

Which is why people who prioritise children's needs or wants don't enter into blended families.

When DH and I split for 6 months our families stayed involved with the children.

That said they are all people who are very, very family (as in bonds, not just blood) orientated so it would have been extremely surprising if they did otherwise.

I find it very odd when people just happily lose contact with step children and step grandchildren after a split. I remember as a youngster my Aunt being absolutely devastated when she wasn't allowed to see her step children after being widowed.

So a single parent shouldn’t have another relationship?

I know some wonderful people who have blended families who absolutely prioritise the children.

You cannot expect a non relation to continue to be part of your child life.

It's sad and you are likely to have to support the child with the loss of family but harsh reality is they are not family and have no obligation to you.

If things are amicable with the other parent speak to them and see if they can facilitate contact during their time.

Not my child. This is a family members child and it has been heartbreaking to watch. They knew this whole family as their own and they actually actively enforced the child to treat them like their parent/grandparent. Correcting child when they used first name instead of nanny. Told them repeatedly that they were there family and that literally acting exactly like family for the whole of a child’s childhood. Saw them multiple times a week. He is now really struggling (teen years not helping) with losing everything he has known. I remember saying to his mum not to worry when she said she wanted to stay in a unhappy marriage for child’s sake and I told her there is no way anyone would be cruel enough to disown a child who has only known them as family.

I guess I am wrong. It is just one of the saddest things

People need to think about children. I could not imagine not maintaining a relationship with said child. I hope they acknowledge the child’s birthday and Xmas.

a coupe did for the first celebration but it has completely tapered off

and no longer invited to get together that include friends and family. Like barbecues or sibling birthday celebrations. Completely and utterly excluded.

This is why after your parents have had a few new boyfriends and girlfriends and you're expected to behave like they're your family and their children are just the exact same as your actual siblings, then they break up and you never see them again, you stop bothering.

It's terrible for the children, makes them feel like people just leave and relationships are just temporary while it suits them. It affects their adult relationships but parents just say that "children are resilient".

This sounds so sad for the child

I shouldn't think I would keep in touch with the child of the ex-partner of my son, no.