Step family contact after divorce

[Anonforthisone1]

If you had been in a child’s life since they were one. Raised them completely for over a decade of their life. Family insisted on be called nanny and gran etc. step grandparents had frequent contact like sleepovers. Was incredibly active in raising child You had children with relationship that you have eow contacted with would you still have a relationship with said child (when this is what the child actively wants and actively asks for all the time) or would you basically drop them and decide you no longer want to see them other then a hi during drop of or the odd two min phone call.with other extended family wanted zero to do with said child. Not talking about joining in on the eow contact but even maybe seeing for occasional sleepovers or a day out every couple of months. Seperation has been around two years.

Poor child, I couldn't do it myself, especially if there is a sibling involved. Sounds cruel.

I was a step parent to 2 for a decade. I'm hoping our situation was unique in that one of the children (a teenager by then) sexually assaulted my very young daughter. Their father was also very abusive and covered it all up until I found out a few months later. I wanted to keep contact with the other step child but was very well aware that he would be used as form of control by my ex so things were strained for years, I always sent himself birthday and Christmas gifts and saw him when my ex's extended family came to visit us or we went to visit them (the only way my children could keep contact with that side of their family) but it was nothing compared to how it had been before. He's now older and able to come visit on his own and he's spent a few nights with me and his younger siblings and even come up for their birthdays and got to spend time with my family again who always considered him one of us but who had also only gone to sending gifts and very occasionally seeing him. I could probably have done better but it was a very difficult situation and I was the only one concentrating on my children and their healing. Could your cousin perhaps ask their ex if they would still include her older child? It might be that he doesn't know he wants any involvement

I wouldn’t expect a former stepparent to stay in touch, no. Ime it’s unusual, and I believe that statistically the majority of step parents do indeed walk away with no further contact when the relationship with the parent has ended.

It’s easy to make promises when in love and in a relationship. That doesn’t mean a parent shouldn’t enter into a new relationship, but they should accept the very real risk that in the event of a break up the step parent and their family will disappear.

How many potential ex boyfriends should a child be sent off for sleepovers with, if a woman dates various blokes over a decade and makes her kid get involved?

It's the risk a parent takes when involving a child in their dating life, that the child will be impacted if the relationship fails. Something to be considered at the beginning - if it's in the child's best interests.

No. The responsibility for the child lies with the parents, no one else. A step parent is absolutely free to walk away, and in the event of a break up they usually do. It doesn’t matter if they/their parents push during the relationship, a parent can say no.

I was on the other end of this. I looked after my niece and nephew. I treated them the same as my bio nibblings. The adults split after 12 is years and I was told those kids were fuck all to do with me and my family. The kids were 14 and 16 at the time. They are now adults and have been in touch asking for a relationship. I can't do it. They only contact my brother when they want money otherwise he's no one. I'm not prepared to invest anymore time or energy into them. Realistically, I think they want me involved to love and look after their kids like I looked after them.

But in this case it wasn’t tons of boyfriends it is one long term marriage for the majority of a child’s childhood. With siblings who this child now sees going to things they are no longer invited to and to be treated like they don’t mater after basically 12 years.

i think it’s actually so sad that people can be apart of a child’s whole live. See all there firsts, insist on being treated like a bio grandparent and parent then just decide to disappear.

obviously short term relationships are completely different

What if it’s a relationship a child really wants. Does their feelings not matter at all?

Either way it's still just some unrelated male, a relationship that is for the benefit of the parent, not child centered.

I speak from experience as the former child dragged into my mother's dating life.

It would be weird/inappropriate for some unrelated bloke to have sleepovers (as you've mentioned) with someone else's kid after the relationship failed, and that's on the parent.

I’m not sure it’s ok to say it’s so cruel if you weren’t in the relationship op- you don’t know the full story- it’s hard enough for a mum and dad of a child to work out what happens after a split, Id guess the semantics of a non blood person would have different issues to navigate

Feelings don’t entitle you to a relationship. It’s perfectly understandable that the child may feel hurt/abandoned… but we don’t get to decide unilaterally that a relationship will continue when the other party doesn’t want this.

It’s sad for the child. I agree that this is mainly on the parent - they put their child into this situation. They made their child believe that these people were their family when the reality is (in lots of situations I’ve seen), if the step family don’t get on board and pretend then they get cut off from the biological grandchildren. So yes, they include steps in sleepovers, days out, etc. Many also include steps because they aren’t monsters, they like the child but the child is only part of their life because their own child is married to the child’s parent.

No one is saying single mothers should never date again, but it’s strongly encouraged to keep your child and relationship separate for a year or two. Then as long as everyone involved is treated respectfully, there is no need to introduce strangers as “nanny” or “aunty”.

To the extent that the former stepparent is obliged to continue the relationship if they aren’t willing to? No.

A relationship takes two, not one.

If the child has always had a positive relationship with the grandparents, it seems rather harsh to end that relationship due to a breakup. It takes a village to raise a child and all that. I personally wouldn’t take that away from either party. Biological or not, if they’ve been solid grandparents I wouldn’t remove them from the childs life, seems rather harsh

The family included this child for their own son’s benefit, not for their own benefit or the child’s.

This is one of the risks people choose to take if they allow their child to have a step parent. The ex step grandparents are under no obligation to provide childcare under the guise of ‘maintaining a relationship’. It is not cruel. It was kind of them to include the child as if he were their own, but that was

Are you also expecting the ex to still play Dad?

no, who is going to fund this? And not only that, but it is going to impact hugely on the relationship with the biological children. You say that the step parent still says hello occasionally, and I think that is more than enough. This smacks of the parent of the step child hoping for free childcare, rather than what is in the best interest of that child or any other child in the family

I’ve been a step-parent who now has no contact with my former step-child. On reflection, I think it’s hugely unfair of my exH to have perused the relationship with me and had more DC. For this reason I don’t expect to pursue a relationship where I bring another man into my DCs home any time soon as I want to protect them from this kind of harsh reality.

I assume the child’s own father and paternal family are not in the picture? That’s the real issue, as always in these situations.

You clearly want to paint the ex step parent as an awful person. Has it occurred to you that they were acting out of duty and now that duty has ended they might be relieved. The child had an extended family owing to the circumstances of their parents marriage. Nothing else. Yes it’s sad but it’s not the responsibility of the former step family to manage the fall out.

People who do that to a child are nasty.

It varies my dds dad has been married 3x when his second marriage ended (his fault) her entire family dropped my dds and never saw them again so they lost a set of grandparents/aunt and uncles and cousins overnight. They were devastated as they had been in dcs life from aged 4 - 12. Ironically exdh did continue contact with his step dd from the same marriage and paid maintenance for her.

Your child has obviously been dropped by ex- husband’s family. Unfortunately it’s common, and realistically she isn’t their family. She’s been treated this way so I can understand it’s hurtful for you and your child. Tbh you wouldn’t want to have the occasional sleepover etc, you either want them to be an active part of your child’s life like a grandparent or just to cut ties now.

Difficulty is, would you have allowed that contract to continue when you are in a new relationship? Or if you wanted to move away? I can see some people wanting to introduce distance because eventually that contact may be stopped by you.

Your posts are unclear on who wants the relationships with the ex step parent and their extended family to continue, and who has blocked that.

My reading is that: you are the bio parent, the young teen DC would like to continue to see their step parent and family and that it’s the ex step parent (who during the relationship ’pushed’ the ‘we’re family’ narrative) who has decided against this and whose family are no longer reciprocating contact.

If so, given the duration of the stepchild/parent relationship this seems crap of your ex and (to a lesser extent) their family. If DC is clear that he wants to see them and you’ve tried explaining your concerns about impact on DC and they haven’t budged, not much you can do. Would focus on supporting your DC.

This is why I'm cynical about trying to force step grandparents into treating everyone the same. It's not the same, there is always the potential for this.

It’s cruel of the family and cruel for the child but their actions are understandable.

However the underlying fault is that of the parents as it is their responsibility to protect their child.
They should never have encouraged calling people nanny/uncle etc and should have maintained a slight distance in case this happened.

Issue is too many adults try to recreate a nuclear style family and if/when it goes wrong it’s the child that suffers.

Look at the step parents thread, half the SP on there resent the DC (it great when they aren’t here) yet won’t be honest with their partners in case it ends the relationship. This is the truth of many blends.

I don’t even blame them - their DP aren’t protecting their DC.