Step family contact after divorce

[Anonforthisone1]

If you had been in a child’s life since they were one. Raised them completely for over a decade of their life. Family insisted on be called nanny and gran etc. step grandparents had frequent contact like sleepovers. Was incredibly active in raising child You had children with relationship that you have eow contacted with would you still have a relationship with said child (when this is what the child actively wants and actively asks for all the time) or would you basically drop them and decide you no longer want to see them other then a hi during drop of or the odd two min phone call.with other extended family wanted zero to do with said child. Not talking about joining in on the eow contact but even maybe seeing for occasional sleepovers or a day out every couple of months. Seperation has been around two years.

I agree with you OP that in the situation as you describe it, the step grandparents have acted in a very hurtful way.
It illustrates the complexity of blended families. It's a reality that relationships defined by marriage are different from those defined by birth or adoption. I just wish people were more open and honest about that.
I get so frustrated by the anger directed at extended step relatives for treating step children differently. There are threads all the time on here. There's no excuse for being hurtful but buying into a fantasy that the relationship is the same (as these grandparents did) has such a great potential to backfire. Its a harsh reality that parents creating blended families need to look directly at before even thinking about blending because 2nd marriages involving strp children have higher rates of divorce than first marriages.

I am currently going through this.

stbxh has stopped me seeing DSC despite them not remembering life without me. The courts aren't set up for this, I keep having to remind them that there a three children being affected by our divorce not just bio DC.

Luckily, DSC mum is lovely and has facilitated some contact over the holidays.

I agree with you it’s sad.

It would be nice, but I don't think it works, once the relationship is over, sad for everyone involved.

If the split was amicable, why can’t your family member ask for her DS to be included in family get togethers? The moral rights and wrongs of this are somewhat moot if the other person wants nothing further to do with a child they helped raise.

It is sad though.

Even if they had sleepovers ever other weekend from the age of 4 and this was the norm for the child. Sleepovers is probably quite a strong word but I can’t see anything weird about him staying the night to catch up once in a while when that is all this child has known.

Unpopular opinion but no, they shouldn't. They've already put the child through one breakup. "Blending" people in and out of children's lives is harmful. If they must date then they need to keep it separate from their child.

Are there other DC involved (bio children of the ex) who are still invited to family events & stay over to see the family?

I think it is unusual to still have contact after a separation. This is why people shouldn’t pressurise step GP to treat the children the same. I realise however that this was encouraged by the grow ups.

I stand by what I posted. No, a kid should not be sent off to sleep over with some man their mother used to be in a relationship with.
If the kid is upset, that's on the parent.

From the child's perspective it's hard to live between two households when your parents are separated. Add in regular sleepovers with stepparents and extended family that's potentially even more homes that they have to go between.

I think it's nice when appropriate contact can be facilitated by the parents but it has to be manageable for the child. If there is animosity then it might not be possible.

Yes it is, but it's the way life is which is why parents should be incredibly cautious about blending a family 🤷‍♀️

If their parent doesn’t mind I can’t see the issue tbh it’s nice.

they might be grateful depending on how amicable the split is

Maybe the fact she became the main caregiver is the reason they split

I’m a step parent with my own children and if me and DH ever spilt whilst the children were still young there is NO way I would invite another man to live with us.

IMO you simply can’t have a relationship without balancing everyone’s needs and priorities, which is right, but adult relationships and what’s best for the children will at times conflict. Honestly I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect an adult not to have their needs met in a relationship because of children - in a bio family it’s fine because everyone has the same goals and vested interests.

The answer isn’t to make that incoming adult suffer but not to invite them in in the first place. Home should be a safe haven for kids. You can have a relationship without living with someone.

Is this about you wanting childcare? Why does contact have to be a sleep over. Why can’t it be a trip to the park?

My sister maintains a relationship with her stepchildren on weekly basis which means my mum still acts as their grandparent BUT my sister has a shared child with her stepchildren children’s dad so they are tied and and the stepchildren want to see thier sibling, my sister and my mum

Yes she has two other kids with her ex husband. He has contact with them and the family is still obviously heavily involved.

this is about my nephew, my sisters son.

i was obviously very wrong when I said to her that there is no way a family who has known a child their whole lives would suddenly drop them. She did so in my opinion do the right things in the beginning with waiting I believe atleast a year to meet ex and then his family and although they saw eachother and the family a lot didn’t live together for a good few years. Like I said earlier she was willing to stay in the relationship for the child as she was worried this could happen and as this child has already had so much abandonment from his bio family she didn’t want to do any more harm. I don’t think it’s fair to say this is on her as she has done her best with a pretty bad deal.

This family did really push a relationship with the child and it is the only paternal family the child knows.

This is literally the same situation. But instead the family have dropped the child even though they still have to be involved with eachother as other kids involved.

Not my child.she doesn’t need childcare he is old enough to look after himself for an evening. It would be more be him going over like he used to. I think it was more of an example and know that he has asked on one occasion to go over to play video games with the ex and stay which was refused.

I don’t think it’s fair to say this is on her as she has done her best with a pretty bad deal.

Who else can be to blame? She has allowed two families in and out of his life. The only advice I would be giving her is to stay single.

@Anonforthisone1

You sound like you’re overly involved in this and need to step back. You gave advice on a really difficult situation and that hasn’t worked out because not everyone behaves how you think they should behave.

Just step away and support everyone involved in what they do rather than offering opinions and advice.

Agreed. If you have some kids with someone who doesn’t give a shit, then go on to have more with someone with an involved family, this is the risk ahead - you’re choosing to have children with widely differing family circumstances. MN is littered with tales of people upset that their child from a previous relationship is not treated exactly the same as their DC with the new partner. This is just another variation of this tale. The child can’t control anything, people cannot control how others act. The only thing you can control is yourself.

You had no right to tell her his family would of course stay in touch. I am a stepmum; a family member of DSC’s mum does not speak for me or my family. You have no idea of the nuance actually involved in these relationships.

Without going into too much detail she left her son’s bio dad due to severe domestic violence while pregnant and then had an incredibly long standing relationship where she stayed for a couple years longer then she probably should completely miserable for child. She has h allowed two families in and out of his life she has safe guarded her child and then had a relationship that broke down but still freely allowed contact for child which they refused. She is now very much single.

Completely agree with this. As sad as it is for the boy involved, the step family aren’t doing anything wrong.

She needs to explain to her son that while they were very kind to include him and treat him like family that they aren't his biological family. That now the relationship has ended they don't want to have that level of contact. It's not his fault, and it's not anything that he's done. It's just that she's no longer with ex, and that changes thing. She understands that he might feel hurt and confused by that. I would set up therapy for him to talk it through. If he firsbt want to talk then explore other types of therapy like play or art.