To cut disabled sister off?

[Cindy92]

My sister has physical disabilities, she was born this way. However, mentally she is fine, she graduated from university, owns a property and manages rental income etc.
When I visit my mum, my sister is often aggressive, argumentative, abusive, and controlling for no real reason. My mum has raised her with a victim complex believing that because she is disabled, she is always right and others are wrong and that people are there to do her wrong. Most times I visit, she starts arguments, swears, spits at me, hits me, and says hurtful things like, “No wonder your husband divorced you,” or “You’re ugly and fat,” She also tells my young DS off, ignores him etc. as a result he doesn’t really like her.
Yesterday, I visited my mum, as DS has been staying there a couple of nights a week during the holidays while I work. I casually mentioned something I saw on Instagram (I asked her is she had posted a picture twice as I'd seen it a couple of hours ago and then at that particular time), and she tried to start an argument over it. I repeatedly told her I wasn’t engaging and to leave me alone. She then came over and scratched my arm hard because I didn't want to argue over something so trivial. She dug her nails into my arm. I left the room, but she followed, still trying to argue. I told her to go away, and she fell to the floor crying hysterically. My mum comforted her, making me the “villain” and her the “victim” because of her disability again.
Moments later, she came back, looked at DS, and said, “I hope you and your mum become disabled,” before grabbing a sandwich to throw at me. She then came to hit me again. I pushed her onto the sofa so she wouldn’t fall on the floor, but she got up and tried to throw my car keys at me. When I was about to leave, she hit my face, so I pushed her away. She started kicking me. I took DS and left.
She has had similar incidents with my older sister, cousin, mum. She is also controlling with her carers about 3 have stopped working with her in the last year alone. She has never been physically or verbally aggressive with them, which tells me she knows what she is doing. She sighs and shows her annoyance at them. Over the years, I've encouraged her to get therapy, but she has refused.
I have decided to cut contact with her and massively reduce my visits to my mum’s house, as I don’t want DS exposed to this toxic environment anymore. I feel very unhappy after each visit. I can't do it anymore.
This is one incident of many.

Fuck that.

I would report her for attacking you OP. If not for your sake for your mother's as this violence could escalate as your mother gets older and more vulnerable.

If you were to continue a relationship with your DM, I think your only option is a neutral place, lunch out just you, her and your DC. Somewhere that you can easily leave if she tries to bring your sister. Sadly your DM will try to continue this dynamic.

Reporting her to the police could force her to get therapy. As PP said, everything’s working for her so she will refuse therapy unless forced.

This . It’s nothing to do with disability she’s just a nasty bully .

My sister isn't disabled, or violent, but I've also cut her off after years of her treating me like absolute crap. She doesn't treat my mum that well either tbh - I've witnessed it in the past and mum has told me about it recently. I respect that mum still wants to keep a link, albeit a fractured link, to her daughter, and mum respects that I've simply had enough of a horrible sister.
You don't deserve her nastiness, but it might well also feel strange cutting her off. 💐

She's physically attacked you multiple times and you're having to ask Mumsnet whether it's OK to cut her off?!

Of course you should cut her off. She's physically violent to you and verbally abusive to you and your child.

Her disability is neither here nor there; she's a total cunt.

Agree with this.

But rather than contemplating, I'd actually report. I can't believe what you've been having to deal with! And your poor DS.

Therapy won't help her if she doesn't want to engage with it.

I wouldn't give a shit whether she got therapy or not, but I'd have fuck-all to do with her either way.

She's abusive and unhinged. You can't have your son around that. Cut her off she doesn't add value to your life.

Fuck that shit.

Cut them off. I enjoy a row at times, so I'd probably tell her in detail why I thought she was a selfish wanker. I'd also report her for the likely subsequent physical assault. It's almost certainly better to do it by phone, though and would better retain the moral high ground. I accept I have an unusually high tolerance for conflict though and would find the explosion much more fun. I also think the moral high ground is really overrated.

Thanks, everyone. I have considered reporting her to the police, but this would have a huge impact on my mum. My sister is very vindictive and would twist the situation to make herself look vulnerable. My mum would likely side with her and be too afraid of the consequences. I think my best option is to stop seeing her altogether. I’ve already blocked her on all social media platforms and blocked her number too.

I’m just sad for my mum, having to see us divided, and for DS, who hasn’t been surrounded by supportive, positive family members.

I'm shocked that you let your son stay in this environment at all, let alone overnight. Your sister is abusive and your mum is incapable of keeping your son (or herself) safe. You say there are no other options, but this should never have been an option.

Honestly if I were you I'd have punched her in the face so hard she would never have dared lay a hand on me again, disabled or not. I'd then immediately cut contact. Do not let your DS anywhere near her 💐

Her sister risk arrest every time op gets hit.
So if someone is attacking me you or anyone else we have to not defend our selfs.

This is what i would have done a long time ago.
But on mn defending yourself is wrong.

Don't visit her and don't visit your Mum whilst she's in the house and certainly don't subject your DC to that toxic behaviour. Meet your Mum outside of house when she is alone.

@Cindy92

You may feel sad for your mum, but this is entirely your mum's doing. She has raised a violent toxic monster. Just because she is disabled does not give your sister the right to treat everyone else like shit.

Yes you should cut her off for your own sake and also for your son. See your mum separately on neutral territory, in a café or somewhere, but no more contact with your sister.

Instead of arranging outings for the 4 of you can you arrange to do things with your other siblings or friends instead?

I think you should also contact social services to alert them to the fact that your mum is being subjected to domestic abuse.

As a matter of interest do your other siblings visit?

OP, you'll probably hate me for saying this, but I think you mom is largely responsible for creating this situation. You sister is an adult now and responsible for her own mental health, but you mother is still enabling her aggression. The situation she is in, and has put you all in, if of her own making.

I would cut all contact with her and meet my mother outside of her home, explaining why I am unable to visit her in future.

Honestly I know you say reporting her to the police will affect your mum. However this might be the kick she needs to stop pandering to your sister. Also if she is being abused by your sister there is a log already there. She might not be but as your mum gets older and more frail it might be enough to get her out of this emeshed relationship. I know you don't want to blow it all out of the water. However you would be safeguarding your mum. You might not be able to stop what is happening now but when your mum loses the ability to speak out or defend herself then you've done the most loving thing you can do for her.

If you do still want a relationship with your mum then it needs to be put of the home and somewhere that your mum can get the bus to. She has partly caused this situation but if she wants the contact then she will need to put the effort in.

Finally please think about what your son has witnessed. His wonderful mum was spat at and hurt. He was probably actually quite scared and possibly still thinking about it now. Reporting it shows him what a kick ass mother he has who stands up for herself.

It's a horrible thing to say, but I had a bad relationship with my sister too.Although she wasn't disabled she clearly had mental health issues that have never been diagnosed. I think some kind of personality disorder.

She was vindictive and spiteful and nasty to meet all my life.But she always victimized herself. If I'd reported her to the police for harrassment or anything she would have twisted it around on me. So I had to keep going with this because there's nothing I could do about it.So I do understand why you wouldn't want to report her.

I've only become truly free of my sister since our mother died. My mother used to guilt trip me into seeing her and her children. But it always got me sucked back into my sister's twisted world.

Now that my mother is dead, although I miss her very much. There is nobody alive now. Who can make me be in contact with my sister. I've blocked her everywhere and I will never speak to her again.

You're just going to have to do the same with your sister. And just ignore your mother's wishes for you to see each other.

If she lives with your mum then I’d stop visiting completely and meet your mum somewhere else. Surely your mother must understand that that is not acceptable behaviour? I’d also be phoning the police after that incident. Disabled or not she can’t keep expecting to get away with behaviour like that.

she physically assaulted you. You would be completely justified to end contact.

If she lives with your mother, you absolutely must stop letting your son visit your mother’s home. You need to visit your mother somewhere else.

you also need to ask yourself if you trust your mother to watch your son outside of the house and to actually not see aunt during that time. If not, you shouldn’t leave son with your mother anymore.

the only time I could leave my dd with my mother is if my father was a plane ride away. Sometimes we have to make hard choices.

I wouldn’t feel too sorry for your mum. She’s created this environment from the start, at the expense of her other children and to the detriment of your sister. Absolutely awful parenting and I’m so sorry you have lived this.

There is going to be lot to unpick emotionally and I suggest you look after your own interests now. Get some solid therapy to work through your childhood and unlearn the emotional blackmail that’s been ingrained.

You will find this hard but you should remove yourself from both of them for a while at least. No contact, explain to your mum what you are doing and why and stay strong.

You have your own family to protect now. I know childcare is bloody difficult but there will be ways round this ( childminder or arrangements with work)

All the best

How dare she treat you like that in front of your son too.Yes you should have no more to do with her.What about your mother?She seems to condone her terrible behaviour.
Would you cut her off too?
They are treating you apallingly you will probably feel much better if you don't have to have contact with her.