To cut disabled sister off?

[Cindy92]

My sister has physical disabilities, she was born this way. However, mentally she is fine, she graduated from university, owns a property and manages rental income etc.
When I visit my mum, my sister is often aggressive, argumentative, abusive, and controlling for no real reason. My mum has raised her with a victim complex believing that because she is disabled, she is always right and others are wrong and that people are there to do her wrong. Most times I visit, she starts arguments, swears, spits at me, hits me, and says hurtful things like, “No wonder your husband divorced you,” or “You’re ugly and fat,” She also tells my young DS off, ignores him etc. as a result he doesn’t really like her.
Yesterday, I visited my mum, as DS has been staying there a couple of nights a week during the holidays while I work. I casually mentioned something I saw on Instagram (I asked her is she had posted a picture twice as I'd seen it a couple of hours ago and then at that particular time), and she tried to start an argument over it. I repeatedly told her I wasn’t engaging and to leave me alone. She then came over and scratched my arm hard because I didn't want to argue over something so trivial. She dug her nails into my arm. I left the room, but she followed, still trying to argue. I told her to go away, and she fell to the floor crying hysterically. My mum comforted her, making me the “villain” and her the “victim” because of her disability again.
Moments later, she came back, looked at DS, and said, “I hope you and your mum become disabled,” before grabbing a sandwich to throw at me. She then came to hit me again. I pushed her onto the sofa so she wouldn’t fall on the floor, but she got up and tried to throw my car keys at me. When I was about to leave, she hit my face, so I pushed her away. She started kicking me. I took DS and left.
She has had similar incidents with my older sister, cousin, mum. She is also controlling with her carers about 3 have stopped working with her in the last year alone. She has never been physically or verbally aggressive with them, which tells me she knows what she is doing. She sighs and shows her annoyance at them. Over the years, I've encouraged her to get therapy, but she has refused.
I have decided to cut contact with her and massively reduce my visits to my mum’s house, as I don’t want DS exposed to this toxic environment anymore. I feel very unhappy after each visit. I can't do it anymore.
This is one incident of many.

I would never see her again. I’d probably cut your mum off too, she’s created a monster who thinks she’s above the law and able to do whatever the fuck she likes with no consequences. Your poor DS who’s had no choice but be exposed to this incredibly abusive dynamic. Enough now, apologise to him for everything he’s seen and suffered through and resolve to protect both of you from now on. Your mum is not a safe person for him to spend time with, especially not alone. You have to find different childcare.

She sounds horrendous. Go NC for your own sake.

She sounds utterly bonkers as, in a way, does your mother. I would have no compunction in cutting them off and leaving them to stew in their own miserable juice.

I would start off trying to have a very separate relationship with your mother.

From experience of dysfunctional families I suspect your mother will try to drag you back into her perspective on your sister as the “victim” so hold strong boundaries around communication about her at all.

Your mother will have a very different perspective on your sister’s traits because she likely helped her develop them as she thought they might be protective for her but actually as you are experiencing they are destructive to her well-being.

As a parent of children with SEN most parents focus on developing their children’s strengths and developing them to their own capacity however I have seen a few parents going down this route of victimhood and entitlement with their children…What they should be getting and how no one is meeting their needs except their parent.

From my experiences it seems to keep the child very enmeshed and codependent with the parents well into adulthood which for some parents can actually be a payoff. Their children still need them and if the parent needs to be needed that is a big plus.

Just because someone has a disability that does not give them the right to verbally or physically abuse other people and if they chose to do this then you are fully within your rights to protect yourself and walk away.

I’d check in with your mum, away from your sister. There’s a strong chance that she is the victim of DV at the hands of your sister.

Well done for standing up to this abuse.

Evil cow. Cut her off. Just have you mum visit you. If your sister makes any threats or is abusive again report to the police and tell the nasty cow you have done so. Get an injunction order against her if necessary. In particular your son should not have to see that abuse. It’s disgusting.

Oh and forget the disability it’s completely irrelevant she’s a nutter.

Your only mistake was not giving her a slap across the face. You basically showed your son that it's okay to let people hit you and do nothing about it.

And I fully sympathise with you that your mother has failed to protect you and her grandchild from this abuse.

Thanks, everyone. As many of you have pointed out, I grew up in this environment and experienced it for many years. Unfortunately, she is often at home because neither she nor my mum drive, so I’m the only one who can visit.
DS has rarely stayed over in the past. Three years ago, he stayed one night a week during the 6-week summer holidays. It’s only this year that he has been staying 2/3 nights a week, as I’ve been working in the office and most childcare places within my reach open at 9 am, while he needs to be dropped off at 8 am. Since work is about an hour’s drive away, staying there was the only option. Thankfully, I’m off work after this week, and DS will be back at school, so I won’t have to worry about childcare anymore.
To answer some questions, she is also abusive towards my mum, but my mum just stays quiet. Because there are no boundaries, my sister expects everyone to give in to her demands. For example, last week she said, “When I tell you to be quiet, you be quiet.” I argued back, but my mum would normally let it go.
I think the problem is that she blames everyone for her disability and has the mentality of “Why am I disabled and not you?” I understand that her life is difficult, that she is limited in what she can do, but she fails to see that it’s not our fault she is disabled.

Look at that OP, one of the rare poll results where everyone agrees.

I've seen this dynamic in play where there's a disabled sibling. Raised to be 'special' and everyone must revolve around the disabled special one. It totally turned the person I knew into a narcissist who couldn't handle anyone who didn't treat put them first in all things and they got very angry when told 'no' by someone who didn't accord them special status. It's not fair that they were raise that way on them either, but it is what it is and I'd stay away.

She is doing something about it - she’s cutting her off.
Slapping her would have been showing her son that violence is an appropriate option. It isn’t.

I suspect her mother is also a victim and has no idea what to do.

I have no doubt whatsoever that the sister is also slapping and beating her mother.

Could your mum stay at yours if you want to keep in touch? Or you could meet her away from the house? Certainly you shouldn’t expose your ds to your sister, or yourself.

I agree. It’s a very complex environment to grow up in when you have a disabled sibling who has been raised to be “special,” with everyone revolving around them. My siblings and I didn’t really exist or matter as much. All the attention was given to her and only her interests and benefits were put first. In every situation, she was placed at the centre of attention. Even now, in her 20s, if we’re at a family gathering, she’ll compete with my DS for attention and gets mad if things don't revolve around her. I try my best to make her happy and plan days out, but almost every outing ends up being ruined and this is a couple of times a month.
If I respond to anything she does, my mum will say, “But she’s disabled and has a hard life due to her disability,” and remind me that I have a home to return to, while she has to deal with the aftermath of the argument. Because of that, I often just stay quiet. But, I'm sick of it now and want to break free from the constant negativity.

You’re a better woman than me OP I’d batter her back able bodied or not.

You are doing the right thing in a difficult circumstances. Your mother had and is enabling the behaviour of an adult. If your mother cannot drive, or use public transport. Then maybe you could agree to meet her within walking distance of her home and you shall drive her to a local cafe/park for a visit. This is the only way you shall be able to remain safe. Make clear you will not be discussing your sister. You are there to build the and try to repair your relationship with each other and your son.

As a disabled individual I personally struggle with those who hold a victimhood mentality. I have been told this is because I have a survivor mentality. I too am physically disabled partly due to biology and partly due to childhood abuse. I have and am still experiencing structural inequalities and have days where I am frustrated and annoyed. I do not abuse others though. I try to advocate for others and channel my energies into that.

As others have said some parents do enable their disabled offspring or continually make excuses. Although, you are understandably angry with your mother. I would make safeguarding referral to social services regarding parental/elderly abuse. Social care shall have a recorded of carers refusing to work with your sister and may also have noted incidents regarding abusive behaviour towards your mother. As others have suggested.

I would make a police report regarding the assault. Your sister needs to learn this behaviour is not acceptable and she will be fully aware of this, however due to being unchallenged by authorities appears to remain entitled to carry on being abusive to others.

What a foolish piece of advice. The OP would risk arrest and her son would be exposed to a ridiculous amount of violence and conflict. Just cut the sister off. Alas the mother/grandmother will insist on being cut off too.

I agree with this!

Nobody gets to be physically and verbally abusive to another person and still get to stay in their life, no matter what difficulties they face.

You cant though. OP would likely end up with a criminal record because her vindictive sister would report her and say it was because of her disability and she is defenceless.

The mother would side with the disabled sister make so mistake.

I would make reports to the police and social services now and say she needs support as she is violent.

She attacked you. Id call the police .

Of course it is when you're being attacked. The fact that so many people don't teach to hit back these days is unbelievable.