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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting my husband to check with me, before he makes plans to go out?

74 replies

Gabrielle93 · 13/08/2025 21:26

I feel like my Husband does this a lot! And whenever I try to talk to him about it, he never understands where I am coming from. We have 2 children (aged 2 and aged 10) and a dog. He works very hard and works long hours, while I am currently a stay at home mum. I take care of the kids, the house, everything…..which I don’t mind at all, as that’s what being a stay at home Mum is about. However when my Husband isn’t at work, it’s nice to have an extra pair of hands to help with the kids etc….
Recently my husband has become very active with sports, which is great! But he is starting to arrange things with friends, early in the morning before work and in the evening after work, and on weekends, without saying anything to me about it! It annoys me because It comes across like he is taking for granted me being at home with the kids, like he is expecting me to be home and ‘baby sit’ so he can go out and do his own thing. He is the same when it comes to him going to the gym.
I have no problem with him doing these things, but it’s the lack of checking in that is upsetting me. And when I try to talk to him about it, I get accused of being controlling and have jokes made about me having a diary, so I can approve when he sees his friends etc!! That’s not what I am trying to do, it’s called being a team and respecting each other. Whenever I make plans, I ALWAYS check with him first, before I make them (unless it is during the day while he is working, as whatever plans I make then, involve the kids) I would never just assume he would be home and take for granted him looking after the kids, while I go out.
Am I being unreasonable? Surely that’s what marriage with kids and responsibilities is about? Not just going off doing your own thing whenever you are off work.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
outingouting · 13/08/2025 21:32

Not unreasonable at all. What happens if you have plans at the same time?

if that’s his rule then do the same - make plans for dinner and the gym and just walk out unannounced like he does. At the same frequency.

RandomMess · 13/08/2025 21:34

Not unreasonable, he sees you as the default parent.

rookiemere · 13/08/2025 21:35

The only way he will change is if you start doing the same - or as much as you can given he is grabbing the majority of “spare” time.

Lmnop22 · 13/08/2025 21:43

YANBU. Totally disrespecting to just assume you’ll be in with the kids at any time outside his normal working hours. Really annoys me when people assume being a SAHM is easy and you don’t share childcare and household responsibilities outside working hours equally.

His job is whatever he does 9-5 and your 9-5 is the kids. 5pm - 9am is SHARED TIME where you each have free time, childcare responsibilities and household chores to do!

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 13/08/2025 21:48

Yanbu.

we say to each other “I’m hoping to go to x with x at such a time, is that convenient?”

it’s not seeking permission, it’s just courtesy.

lizzyBennet08 · 13/08/2025 21:51

We use a shared calendar and who ever is in first gets dibs .

BengalBangle · 13/08/2025 21:53

How regularly is he doing this?

SomewhatAnnoyed · 13/08/2025 21:55

Yeah he thinks they’re your responsibility 100% of the time. If he works 9-5pm then you should be “clocking off” in your role as primary carer as soon as he gets home. Then it’s 50-50 teamwork unless he brings work home. You need to change his perception of you and your parental responsibilities- or more specifically his.

Tell him you’re seeing friends/family the following night (he can’t complain if you’ve given him a heads up - which is more courtesy than he gives you). If he tells you he’s already going out then it’s either “Not my problem, you should have checked first, I deserve a life outside the house too and am owed a LOT of ‘free time’ ” from you, or you make it a rule to write personal time out the house on a family calendar in the kitchen which is in plain sight.

-No adding things last minute or on the day (in case he tries) - if this arises make sure it’s agreed that you ask the other person whether this is alright as a sign of respect if nothing else.

He sounds like he flew in from the 1950’s with his male entitlement and expectations and is a massive twat. What are his good points?

Edited to acknowledge I’ve written the same points as others in a cross post - sorry about that but the points clearly stand as so many are making them!

Theunamedcat · 13/08/2025 21:58

Wait for him to get home from work hand over the kids and go out no discussion just see you later go swimming or meet friends or even to a Costa and grab a drink just you no kids no him

Aria2015 · 13/08/2025 22:10

He should definitely be agreeing any out of work hours activities with you first. When he does some activity outside of work, he'd essentially dictating what you do with your time because one parent has to watch your shared children and he's making it you. What if you wanted to do something?

It's just a curtesy and anyway, what about your kids? Does he not care about managing their expectations of when he'll be around? They wake up and he's just gone? Or they're expecting him home from work but he never appears? He's not a single guy with no commitments or responsibilities at home - he's part of a family and unfortunately spontaneous activities and outings aren't compatible with family life!

Aria2015 · 13/08/2025 22:12

Btw you sound like you'd support most of his requests anyway, so what possible reason could he have for not running stuff by you first? I fear he thinks he's 'entitled' to behave this way because he's the 'breadwinner' and you're 'just' a SAHM. Poor attitude to have when you're meant to be a team and you are both equally responsible for any children you have.

WickedElpheba · 13/08/2025 22:14

When you have children it is unreasonable of either parent to assume the other will pick up all parental duties unless they ask

Inertia · 13/08/2025 22:18

Having a shared diary is what sensible families should do.

Either he agrees to a shared diary, or you start claiming equal amounts of time for gym/ sports/ social events.

You have agreed that you are a SAHP. There’s no reason why you should work 24/7 while your husband just works a standard working week- your parenting covers his work hours, then the care / household work is shared.

Cruisinforcroissant · 13/08/2025 22:18

allocate a fixed evening he has to be back and also one when you go out - then even if you are both home on the others allocated evening the one whose evening it is does the majority - cooking bedtime bath ents etc
gives a bit of freedom structure without having to ask all the time. Puts a mutual structure in place perhaps

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/08/2025 22:22

Not unreasonable.

When he isn't working, you are equal parents. So when he is away, this means that you're doing his share as well as yours. In no other circumstances is it ok to just assume that someone else will pick up all your slack without even checking in with them. Like someone at his work just taking time out / holiday without asking, and accusing their boss of trying to ruin their holidays, when they get pulled up on it. It's not about the holiday, it's about managing the resource at work while people are out

CarpetKnees · 13/08/2025 22:25

As others have said, you need a shared calendar on your phone.

Initially, you need to go out and leave him to deal with the dc after work a few times, as he seems to have got into the mindset that because you are a SAHP you are always available, as opposed to understanding that weekends and from {say} 6pm you are both on duty parents. He just needs to reset his thinking.

It will get more challenging once your dc get a bit older and start having their own activities too, you need to sort it out now, both the logistics of the shared calendar and the mindset of him somehow not having understood that when you are a parent your life changes quite a lot.

iirbRosb · 13/08/2025 22:28

Yes that’s how it should work. When my DH started doing this I would say oh actually I’m out at that time and inevitably he’d say I hadn’t checked he was in and I’d very calmly say well you didn’t check I was in so I guess we’re both in the wrong….now he runs it past me without just assuming I’m the default person to have the kids

Ellie1015 · 13/08/2025 22:31

Of course you should both be checking. It is a basic courtesy not controlling. I would be getting out before him if he cant see reason, hopefully a more mature way to resolve it but if needs must I would go out early Sat for the day to make a point.

MJ1980 · 13/08/2025 22:36

He sees you as the childcare. The skivvy. Hes taking the piss. This is where resentment grows. Hes living his life as a single person doing what he likes/coming and going as he pleases. But hes also got the family at home and knows full well your there looking after them. Does he do his fair share of domestic duties or are you expected to do that too as youre a SAHP?!

pinkpony88 · 13/08/2025 22:39

DH and I don’t have children but neither would ever dream of just doing this without checking in with the other person. It’s just courtesy.

LittleOddSock · 13/08/2025 22:51

We got a shared calendar for this reason. If the calendar is free it's fair game for whoever wants to make plans. If they have made plans and not put it in that's tough.

Original poster
Gabrielle93 · 14/08/2025 06:47

BengalBangle · 13/08/2025 21:53

How regularly is he doing this?

It varies. He goes through stages where he doesn’t really go out, but that’s because he is either working late or he is tired and wants to rest. But when he is going out, I would say it averages about 4 times a week, every week. As I said, It’s not a problem him going out, it’s the lack of checking in first. Occasionally he will ask me if it’s ok, but 90% of the time I am only finding out the night before, or the day of……and the plan has already been made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gabrielle93 · 14/08/2025 06:49

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 13/08/2025 21:48

Yanbu.

we say to each other “I’m hoping to go to x with x at such a time, is that convenient?”

it’s not seeking permission, it’s just courtesy.

That’s what I keep trying to explain to him. But he just doesn’t see it like that and then it starts an argument.

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 14/08/2025 06:51

Agree with PP, just say 'oh, I already made plans at that time' EVERY time he does it for a bit and it will kick in.

PeonyPatch · 14/08/2025 06:53

YANBU - parenting ought to be shared, and you deserve time to go out and unwind and socialise too! He is not acting as part of a team