AIBU for wanting my husband to check with me, before he makes plans to go out?

[Gabrielle93]

I feel like my Husband does this a lot! And whenever I try to talk to him about it, he never understands where I am coming from. We have 2 children (aged 2 and aged 10) and a dog. He works very hard and works long hours, while I am currently a stay at home mum. I take care of the kids, the house, everything…..which I don’t mind at all, as that’s what being a stay at home Mum is about. However when my Husband isn’t at work, it’s nice to have an extra pair of hands to help with the kids etc….
Recently my husband has become very active with sports, which is great! But he is starting to arrange things with friends, early in the morning before work and in the evening after work, and on weekends, without saying anything to me about it! It annoys me because It comes across like he is taking for granted me being at home with the kids, like he is expecting me to be home and ‘baby sit’ so he can go out and do his own thing. He is the same when it comes to him going to the gym.
I have no problem with him doing these things, but it’s the lack of checking in that is upsetting me. And when I try to talk to him about it, I get accused of being controlling and have jokes made about me having a diary, so I can approve when he sees his friends etc!! That’s not what I am trying to do, it’s called being a team and respecting each other. Whenever I make plans, I ALWAYS check with him first, before I make them (unless it is during the day while he is working, as whatever plans I make then, involve the kids) I would never just assume he would be home and take for granted him looking after the kids, while I go out.
Am I being unreasonable? Surely that’s what marriage with kids and responsibilities is about? Not just going off doing your own thing whenever you are off work.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

Every time he tells you he’s going out, ask who’s looking after the kids. Ask if he’s booked a baby sitter.

Tomorrow? Oh dear, I’m going to book club/Sarah’s/PTA tomorrow.

And get in the habit of nipping out for an hour in the evening- maybe as soon as he gets in. Oh great, you’re here! I’ll nip and ….

You have fallen into being available by default. He hasn’t responded to a rational conversation, so you need to reset the situation by not being routinely available.

Affair?

Most of the time when I make plans, it is during his working hours. I see my family, my friends….go out for lunch and book soft play etc..
I do make plans to do things with friends child free, and my Husband is always happy to have the kids. However when I make a plan, it’s about 2-4 weeks in advance. So he gets plenty of notice. My husband tends to make plans very last minute and they are much more frequent, and without checking with me first. Maybe I should start doing them last minute like everyone says! But it’s hard because all my friends are planners too. My husband and his friends are a lot more last minute.

@Gabrielle93 just prove your point.

When he tells you last minute he is off to do something on Saturday, just tell him you are already out on Saturday meeting a friend for a coffee so he will have to take the kids with him.

If he moans about you not telling him then you have made your point!

Definitely not. I know that for a fact and that has never crossed my mind.

The mornings have only just become a thing and it’s not every morning. He plays tennis and a lot of his friends play too. So they book a court last minute and have a hit.

Men who respect their wives don't do this.
He thinks your children are 24/7 yours and he will babysit his children with 4 werks notice.

He doesn't get it because he doesn't want to get it.

He doesn't respect you and you are MASSIVELY in denial on that point.

I can’t stand it when people ask perfectly reasonable requests from their partners but then get accused of being controlling. Err no, it’s called common courtesy!
I’d put my foot down and say it’s got to stop. Ask him how he’d feel if you constantly did the same to him.

I love sport as well and have a group (none of whom have kids) who love to plan last minute but it obviously doesn't work when you have a family. I am a little sympathetic to him in that you do get to see friends and family while he is working but I 100% agree on the courtesy of asking and the rudeness of assuming you are default parent. Why not suggest set nights each (I have Mon and Wed for example so I can make a plan those evenings without checking in first) which helps you both plan and makes sure you have time each for yourselves

He’s seeing you as the default parent and on duty 100% of the time, and himself as free, which is not on.

His mindset needs to change to any time when he’s not working being 50:50, so that if either of you wants to make solo plans, you run it by the other.

My exh used to do this, especially post DC2’s arrival. Just simply go out after work with no discussion or even notice. Thought he was free just to go to the pub “for a quick one” which would inevitably go on longer after work.

I was working too in a job that was objectively more tiring than his but he still saw me as default parent for mornings, evenings, weekend etc (we had childcare during the days).

It was one of the death-knells in our marriage, together with his moody behaviour.

The reason they are last minute is they have the luxury of being, as men.

OP, you say he's only recently taken up being active, but he seems as if he's extremely active for someone who's just starting out trying to get fit (what with playing tennis before a full work day and then doing more sports after work and on weekends)

You have said that you're sure he's not having an affair, but to be fair, you cannot be certain of this.
To me, it's a strong possibility that he's actually off meeting someone he shouldn't be. I'd be doing some digging if I were you.

Oh absolutely. I completely agree that I have a lot more time to be able to see my friends and family. I want him to see his and have a social life outside of work and family. I just want to be considered before he makes those plans. I think I do need to try and start making plans a bit more last minute as well and without checking in, so then hopefully he can start to understand why it upsets me.

I trust my Husband 100% and I do know, that that is not the case. And my issue isn’t him making a lot of plans, it’s that they are last minute and not checked with me first.
Not everything points to an affair. Not all men are like that.

Also he has always been active with sports. It’s just the mornings before work, that have become more of a thing. When he is not working late, or tired, he is always playing Tennis or at the gym (which is in our home garage)

this is disrespectful and you should be sorting as a team the remaining time. Very unfair you are expected to pick up everything with no time off at all. If he continues without any negotiation, I'd be going out whenever he is back and leaving the kids with him with no prior organisation. So annoying saying you are being controlling, it's just basic manners!

Not saying your husband is having an affair, i think he's probably just careless. But just fyi there are hundreds of threads on the Relationship from women who say they said and felt exactly the same as you, that their husband would never ever ever have an affair, only to then find out he did. I've seen it play out in threads on real-time, the OP saying 'he would never, his dad had an affair and he never forgave him, he's too principled, he never goes anywhere i dont know about, he's open with his phone' and yet when they go digging they find something. It's great you have that trust, but to dismiss it as completely impossible is naive. Again, not saying thats happening here, but this is just... a general point i guess.

YANBU

He is not entitled to do whatever he wants when he is not working; he has equal caring responsibilities as you outside of work hours.

I work and my partner doesn't. We have a 2yo and a 4yo and looking after them both on your own is hard work. I wouldn't dream of arranging to be out without running it past him first.

I doubt it’s even that. He has a 24/7 nanny and housekeeper (who also presumably has sex with him) so feels like a free agent.

There we go. Can hold down a job and be where he needs to be for sports but can’t do domestic stuff without reminders (or let go of his dick long enough to use a toilet brush).

What OP’s husband is doing is by no means ‘great’, it’s going beyond that which makes men great husbands and fathers.

What he is doing is the bare minimum.

If that’s what he wants to do then you do the same

start going out seeing friends in the evening but tell him you are going so if he wants to go out he sorts baby sitters. You go to the gym or whatever in the mornings, just tell him you can’t go during the day as you have a load of SAHM work to do

make the point with him

OP you really don't know that he's not having an affair, although I'm not saying that he is, rather that you should be checking out the possibility that he is.

You say the gym's at home, so you know where he is then, but you don't know for a fact that he goes to every tennis game he's arranging, or that he's working as late as he tells you, unless you were to follow him 24/7. Friends and work colleagues sometimes cover for each other too.

He's also being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate towards you as it is, and whilst any man (or woman) is capable of an affair, I would definitely say selfish partners are more capable.
So many people have trusted their partners 100%, only to find they wish they hadn't.

So his job is 9-5, 5 days a week.
And yours is 7am - ?, 7 days a week.

That's really not fair.

I wonder if his boss has to constantly remind him of things that need doing? 🤔