AIBU for wanting my husband to check with me, before he makes plans to go out?

[Gabrielle93]

I feel like my Husband does this a lot! And whenever I try to talk to him about it, he never understands where I am coming from. We have 2 children (aged 2 and aged 10) and a dog. He works very hard and works long hours, while I am currently a stay at home mum. I take care of the kids, the house, everything…..which I don’t mind at all, as that’s what being a stay at home Mum is about. However when my Husband isn’t at work, it’s nice to have an extra pair of hands to help with the kids etc….
Recently my husband has become very active with sports, which is great! But he is starting to arrange things with friends, early in the morning before work and in the evening after work, and on weekends, without saying anything to me about it! It annoys me because It comes across like he is taking for granted me being at home with the kids, like he is expecting me to be home and ‘baby sit’ so he can go out and do his own thing. He is the same when it comes to him going to the gym.
I have no problem with him doing these things, but it’s the lack of checking in that is upsetting me. And when I try to talk to him about it, I get accused of being controlling and have jokes made about me having a diary, so I can approve when he sees his friends etc!! That’s not what I am trying to do, it’s called being a team and respecting each other. Whenever I make plans, I ALWAYS check with him first, before I make them (unless it is during the day while he is working, as whatever plans I make then, involve the kids) I would never just assume he would be home and take for granted him looking after the kids, while I go out.
Am I being unreasonable? Surely that’s what marriage with kids and responsibilities is about? Not just going off doing your own thing whenever you are off work.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

He has many good points. He is a very loving and caring Husband and he is a great Dad. He treats me like a princess a lot of the time and I know he will always be there for me and the kids. It’s literally just communication when it comes to making plans. I just want him to consider me and ask if it’s ok, rather than just expect me to be home alone and take care of the kids, walk the dog etc….

I'm guessing his days off are the only chance he gets to do any of these things.

@AuntyDepressant when does OP get a day or evening off?

Ermm unfortunately no. If things need doing around the house, I have to ask him in order for things to get done. I think he has hoovered 3 times and cleaned the toilet once! He is getting better with some things, like taking the bin out on collection days and he is the one in the morning, who lets the dogs out and feeds them. And any diy job that needs doing, he will do…..he just needs reminding.

Tell me you're single without telling me you're single.

he is starting to arrange things with friends, early in the morning before work and in the evening after work, and on weekends,

Apart from earning money to pay for his kids’ home, clothes and food, which is what all parents have to do - how is he a ‘great dad’? When does he spend any bloody time with them if he’s working long hours and doing all this sport before and after work and at the weekends?* *

Oh definitely. He works very hard and a lot of the time doesn’t even get a lunch break. He is very good at his job. I have no problems at all with him making plans outside of work….it would just be nice for him
to check in with me first, as a courtesy you know.

He’s disrespecting you and your time and putting his desire for leisure and to be free to make social arrangements for himself as he wishes above his parenting responsibilities.

His behaviour and what he’s said to you suggest he could have an attitude that because you’re not earning money you’re responsible for most of the parenting, 24/7. If that’s the case I’d be reconsidering SAH.

Most people with a paid job work hard and often don’t take lunch breaks. That’s just par for the course.

A ‘married single mother’ - this is a common thing and really sad 😣. A guy does clips of this on YouTube

Yeah that is annoying. I would say if he plays sport, does he do it the same day each week, e.g every weds at 7. In that case I wouldn’t need him to run it past me, but as box yes. Can you share a calendar? We have a family calendar on our iPhones so we put things like this on one another’s diaries so we can see any clashes straight away

YANBU at all, I had a huge argument at one stage with my abusive ex husband about exactly this. And remember confusedly discussing with friends and relatives how my life completely changed after having a child where my husband, who couldn’t wait to be a dad, seemed to just largely carry on as before. I remember the evening I got home from hospital after giving birth to our child he fucked off out to play basketball and looked totally bemused when I was like “what do you mean, you’re going to basketball?!” And he was like “but it’s Tuesday evening! I always play basketball on Tuesdays”. And I was like ok and I don’t expect you to give it up forever but thought you might have taken one evening off to be with your immediately postnatal wife and newborn baby and make sure they’re ok! He went anyway, shoving roughly past my tender postpartum abdomen on the way out.

I suggested having a shared calendar with whoever writes plans in it first getting first dibs but of course he wouldn’t even agree to try doing that. Like you he made it all about me trying to control him rather than just literally needing to make sure someone is home to look after our 3 year old… I’m not saying your husband is abusive rather than thoughtless/mildly misogynistic at heart like so many men in our society, but I do think it’s at least a pink if not a red flag that he can’t even see your point of view on this or agree to make changes in future.

I think the only way he will see your point is if you start doing exactly what he does, just saunter out without a word beforehand casually saying “bye, I’m off out to the gym/to meet a friend etc, be back by 11ish!” And keep doing it with the same frequency he does and regardless of whether you know he has plans. I think he’ll quickly grasp where you’re coming from if the shoe is on the other foot and he has to cancel plans to stay home with the kids. I do regret not doing this myself, although part of why I didn’t in my case was the fear of repercussions and also the fear that he might well just disappear off anyway leaving our 3 year old alone in the house… But if it’s not an abusive relationship I think it’s exactly the right way to approach this. Play him at his own game! Suddenly the diary will seem like a great idea!

So when do you go out?

Of course YANBU. However I wonder how often you ever actually have anything booked yourself. Whilst it is a courtesy to ask you, and we definitely check in with each other in our house because we’re both busy and have stuff booked in, in reality if you never have plans yourself that he would have to take into account then it is a bit performative to keep asking.

My advice, start making some plans on your own, give him something to actually think about and some solo childcare to do, he might then start to get it it.

This is a bit of a chicken and egg situation though. OP can’t make plans because she can’t rely on her partner being available for childcare. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t. As per my post above, I was once in a similar situation albeit in an abusive relationship which it sounds like may not apply to OP. I never went out, never had plans because how could I? He went out often and I never knew his plans til the last minute.

Though I agree with you about your proposed remedy! Make some fun plans and get out of the house more and he will understand.

I don’t think that’s what she’s saying though. I don’t get from her posts that she’s got anything in the pipeline. In any case, my point is that she needs to give him a taste of his own medicine and just make a plan to go out and leave him with the kids and don’t tell him about it until the evening before. If he says “but I was going to go out” then she holds firm and says it’s her turn and he hadn’t mentioned anything so she would presume he was free.

A couple of. 'Sorry I've already arranged to go out this evening, I was going to tell you later, but I can't cancel now.' when he says he's going out tonight. Might make him think checking in advance would be good idea.

But doesn’t it clash with your own plans?

Even if OP NEVER goes out or wants to go out her H’s behaviour suggests disrespect and lack of regard for OP and their DC.

Facilitated men who do little parenting piss me off.

Same same. It took him a while to get the hang of it, but it only took two occasions where I said "Your thing isn't in TimeTree*, my thing is" and went, for him to see the importance of using it.

*other shared calendar apps are available

Wait for him to get home from work hand over the kids and go out no discussion just see you later go swimming or meet friends or even to a Costa and grab a drink just you no kids no him

It’s really hard for women in the role of a SAHM. The man justifies his leisure time by highlighting the fact he goes out to work while the woman stays in most of the time with the kids. I think to them they are so unaware of the work involved in raising babies and small children they assume it’s like if they were to stay in, with just some mild child oversight, like a babysitter would do in the evenings. Perhaps this is all they do when their partner gets a rare night out. They’ve never experienced what it is actually like.

So women need to give them that experience. Whether it be on annual leave or at the weekend - OP you need to take yourself off somewhere for more than a few hours. Preferably an overnight somewhere, but at least a day out - so he can see what it involves actually taking care of his own kids.

You shouldn’t have to, but something tells me you would have to make a list so he knows what he is meant to do (🤦🏼‍♀️) the man has a job but will be clueless as to how to look after his own children - and leave the house.

It fucks me right off when men use earning for their families as justification for parental shirking. Of course they need to bloody earn some money, just as whoever looks after their children needs to do that. You can’t have kids and do one without the other!

But somehow this role is deemed way more valid and important and their status within the household is elevated. If OP were to get a job, there’s a good chance with her having had to take so much time off (to raise his kids!) that her earning capability will be below his - men like him use this to prove their role is more important - they bring in more money so must work harder (being paid and leaving the house = more responsibility and therefore deserves more respect) - it doesn’t fucking occur to them that if their partners packed their bags and left them to it they would have to cut back on their hours or find and PAY somebody else to look after THEIR children!

The only reason they are earning the money they are capable of is bc their SAH partners are ENABLING them to do so.

It drives me insane this blissfully ‘ignorant’ power imbalance where they are ultimately the ones reaping the reward through the excuse of higher status in the family and owed leisure time, not to mention full control over the finances of the whole family including their partners and ten benefits of a nice fat pension at the end of it. It’s win-win for them.

Get a calendar and write down when you’re going out OP. And let him look after the kids for a significant amount of time so he truly understands what it involves and stops taking you for granted.

Earning money for a family he has chosen to have does not make him a great husband and father. It’s a harsh truth, but it is the truth.

What does your H do in the mornings when meeting friends?
It's an unusual time to be meeting up with them before work imo, is he definitely meeting up with them I wonder?

@AuntyDepressant can you explain your comment to me

he hadn’t mentioned anything so she would presume he was free.

Exactly this - this is what women should use for men who say it to them - use it right back at them and their reactions and excuses are what you say when they continue to do it to you - show them how pathetic and annoying they sound.

If they get pissed off - remind them of this when they tell you they’re off out - they won’t like it bc at the end of the day they don’t respect their partners and don’t care if they have time off - their time off is more important. It all just shows a total immaturity and lack of respect on their part.