First World Problem Jealous of Brother’s Inheritance.

[DaphneCrane]

This is a first world problem. Late last year, about a year after my mother’s cousin died, my brother relocated. It never occurred to me that the two events were in any way related. I didn’t think anything about it.

A few weeks ago my husband was on holiday and texted my brother that he was in the area, he wasn’t invited to the house but one thing led to another and they ended up at the house the following day. My husband, who never notices anything commented about how amazing the house was and he had googled how much it was worth. I was almost taking the piss out of my husband to my mother when she completely broke down. Her cousin was brother’s Godmother and he had had a massive inheritance.

I can’t articulate just how jealous I am. Apparently she wanted her to be my Godmother as well but Dad insisted on one of his lot.

Now my two sons have different Godparents with eldest’s Godfather being very generous, while ignoring his Godchild’s sibling. There are days out, because of his job and a few photos with celebrities. My husband had to ask that younger son was also invited to this man’s wedding while eldest was an usher.

I can see the same scenario playing out with my two children and I feel stupid. I know these things aren’t important but I just can’t stop thinking about it and I hate myself.

Just because OP you are a christian, doesn’t mean she’s holy.
I understand what you’re feeling. If only your dad had not insisted on his family member being godfather/mother, you’d have had ah inheritance too. I can’t believe your brother did not share the inheritance, that’s bound to drive a wedge even from his side. I’d feel guilty.
Maybe look at your children’s relationship. Is there a way to build it more?
In time, you’ll get over it, maybe not completely but to a large extent.
Finally, pray about it and pray more. Your strength doesn’t sound enough. The Holy Spirit will help.

Your son's gp might not give him a huge inheritance anyway, that's no guarantee. I'm not sure why you think it will happen again. I doubt my gp's will leave me anything, they have plenty of family they're much closer to, and that's fine.

I can imagine how hard this is.

I think you just need to give it some time and keep reminding yourself that you are no worse off than you were before you knew. Sounds cheesy but I find a gratitude journal can be a helpful thing/ just noting down every day what you’re grateful for. Helps keep your attention on the right stuff rather than sinking into comparisons.

We are culturally Christian, DH is the grandson of a vicar. I am a believer.

That is the weirdest way of describing "I am a Christian" that I have ever heard.

Ah that sucks OP. Not much you can do really. He was her godson and she chose to leave money to
him.
But I understand why you feel jealous.

I thought that the whole point of godparents was for moral and spiritual guidance if you're looking at it from a Christian point of view. Not how much inheritance they will give you.

Now in our family that inheritance would have been divided 3 ways equally between us siblings no question about it. No wonder you are jealous!

I think it's a good sign you have acknowledged your feelings on the matter, and also recognise that these feelings don't align with your core values. And that's ok. We are all complex creatures. There is no need to hate yourself or think you are stupid - you're only human. You can simply recognise the discrepancy and observe it within yourself in a neutral way with curiosity. When it comes up, say to yourself kindly - that's interesting that I feel that way, but it's just a feeling.

But going forward, I would use these feelings to try to take something positive from it. Feelings of dissatisfaction and envy can actually be very useful in pinpointing underlying wishes and desires that we haven't really acknowledged or uncovered within ourselves. So instead of thinking: 'I really envy my brother and want what he has', re-focus it to 'having a nice house, and financial security, making good money and building investments, wealth and a legacy for my children are really important to me and something I want to work towards'.

I can understand it being upsetting and a shame your brother did not share.

What I can't understand is why you don't go and talk to someone of your faith to help resolve these issues.

Maybe I'm missing something, but one of the benefits of religion to me seems to be that you have a support system to offer moral and spiritual guidance in these sorts of matters.

Randoms on here surely aren't the best for it.

Are you not happy that your brother had a stroke of good fortune? His good fortune was not at your expense.

If he won the lottery, would you feel jealous and entitled to that too?

You are behaving in a very un Christian manner. You should probably seek guidance from your church on that, and work on yourself.

With regard to your children, life will of course treat them differently. As long as you treat them the same, then that in all that matters!

I live in an area where there is a lot of money - and I mean a lot eg a Lamborghini drives by and no one bats an eyelid. I know many multi millionaires. Please believe me that troubles will come for your brother. Money doesn’t protect from that.
As a Christian do you believe that God has a special love and care for you? Try to train your brain to think of other things when you start these jealous thoughts. Don’t allow the devil to draw a wedge between you and your brother.

Yes, no shade to OP, but I’m surprised at how emphatic she was that she was a Christian yet still felt ‘very’ jealous of her brother almost implying that she didn’t have such ‘sins’ even moderately under control.

Also very dramatic in saying she’s ’terrified’ the same inequality will befall her own kids. But why such terror if the role of the Godparent is as you say to provide moral and spiritual guidance. The money is just a perk surely? And that’s even if they choose to give anything. As a PP said as both grow older the connection may wane anyway. It’s always probably more likely that a child will get an inheritance if the GP is a relative also as likely they’d be seeing them more as part of family functions than a friend of the parents would.

If you get home well with your brother I have to say I would think less of him for not sharing the money with you.

This happened to me too @DaphneCrane. Brother had a massive inheritance from mother’s cousin. He was one of 8 beneficiaries and I did wonder if my mother hadn’t died a couple of years before, if she would have been the eighth beneficiary instead.
I think she had suspected that my brother was up to something though. It was just the way she told me that my brother had become a regular visitor to this man’s nursing home.
I cut ties with him after my mother’s death (that’s another story) and only found out about his massive inheritance ten years later.
Couldn’t understand how he didn’t need to work, spent so much time holidaying whenever and wherever.
He seems to have gone through life answerable to nobody, with no mortgage, owning everything he has outright etc. I’m shocked at how much he’s aged though, how overweight he is, how he moves like a man decades older, if I ever catch sight of him shuffling around.
I also have trouble managing my jealousy and anger towards him at times. I do know I need to for my own wellbeing though but it takes work.

OP hasn't seen her brother in over 8 months and knew nothing about this. So I think that pretty much scotches them getting on well. More like strangers who are related.

An easy question for you.. Can you do anything about it, yes/no? If no then you move on as no amount of jealousy or irritation will make any difference.
Get your inner peace in your faith, with your God and don't worry about the things you can't change. (Easy to say)

That’s really bizarre. I’m a godmother to one sibling but not another in the same family. I would never leave money to just one of them though or leave the others out

Why has my post been hidden? Weird.

The situations with your brother and DC are separate and different.

Imagine it’s relatively unusual for a godparent to leave godchild(ren) a lot of money in their will.

Understandable to feel jealous of your brother’s windfall through chance. Also to have thoughts/feelings about him not telling you and/or not sharing any of it.

Moral of the story, choose only rich godparents (joking).

Now my two sons have different Godparents with eldest’s Godfather being very generous, while ignoring his Godchild’s sibling.

Do Godparents actually have responsibilities towards their Godchild’s siblings?

I understand what you're trying to say but respectfully I believe this situation really boils down to the OP's mother rather stupidly telling the OP that she'd wanted the same godmother for both children and been vetoed. If the mother hadn't been vetoed, it's likely that the OP and her brother would have shared the inheritance.
So this is not like winning the lottery, which would be a combination of brother buying his own ticket, and pure chance of which ticket wins. This was her parents inadvertently making a decision which has had a very real impact on their children's relative wealth. This accidentally broke a very strong social norm that you shouldn't play favourites with your children.
Also many lottery winners share their good fortune with family, literally and in practical terms, but the OP's family concealed it from her.

No they don't. Which is where this whole sorry saga stems from, a misguided notion that godparents should treat their godchild's siblings the same. Which has caused jealousy and insecurity in the OP because it hasn't happened to her and now she is scared that her identical choice to have different godparents for her children will lead to history repeating itself.

IME Godparents who don’t have dcs of their own do sometimes remember their godchildren in their wills. Often nieces /nephews get more.

Thing is, you can’t predict who’s going to have dcs of their own, or remarry someone with dcs (and so favour step children).

My DCs have two godparents the same (one of whom is childfree and wealthy!) and then they each have a third godparent, but a different for each. My DDs third godparent is significantly richer than my DSs third godparent, my dd gets much better gifts than my DS for birthday /christmas from their extra godparent, but both have had dcs a little later and so I wouldn’t presume either of my dcs will get anything when they die, it’ll go to the godparent’s children/grandchildren.

It’s usual the OPs brother got so much, but it was luck. This isn’t something the OPs parents could predict. (Apart from anything else, what if multiple other friends asked this woman to be a godparent - it could have easily been split 5 or 6 ways!)