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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We were right not to give dd a lift weren't we? feel like a cow today

53 replies

malificent7 · 13/08/2025 13:49

Dd is 17. Dosn't drive yet. It was dhs bday yesterday...We both had a glass of strong dessert wine. At 9.30pm dd announced she wanted to go to a local pub to see friends...could I give her a lift?
I was reluctant as ;
Was dhs bday and wanted to relax.
We had both drunk ( under limit but still.)
Was very last minute and she was still faffing at 10pm.
I have to get up at 5.30am so need an early night.
I drive a 1.5 hr vommute there and bk waxh day. 3 hours in total.
I feel bad today as I can be awkward aboit lifts. I do them but not if im tired. I have a long commute.
Dh ( step dad) is lovely and does lots of lifts but I didnt wantt him to after a drink and it being his bday.
Dd sats she dosn't mind...why do I feel so bad?

OP posts:

Katemax82 · 13/08/2025 13:53

Try not to overthink it. Its not always possible to give lifts. My son had to walk 5 miles home once when he went out as my husband forewarned him we wouldn't be driving that day as we had wine. The train was cancelled or something so he was stuck and had to walk...yes I felt bad but he survived

rainbowsparkle28 · 13/08/2025 13:54

You had both consumed alcohol - that alone from anything else should have been enough of a reason that you wouldn’t be willing to drive. I would also be considering why this has been such a big deal in your mind, DD even has said she didn’t mind. Is it usual for you to overthink in this way? Not a criticism just a gentle reassurance that maybe you are looking too much into this 🙂

NoodleHorses · 13/08/2025 14:08

You had had a drink, therefore you couldn’t drive. That’s it.
sure you may have been under the limit but would you stake your licence on it, or the life of someone else?
You did the right thing in my eyes. Don’t feel bad.

IleftmybaginNewportPagnell · 13/08/2025 14:11

I agree with other posters and it sets a good example to your dd.
But I can’t get over your Freudian slip - vommute - love it!

Lmnop22 · 13/08/2025 14:13

Oh I voted YABU because you shouldn’t feel bad about it!

SomeAlternatives · 13/08/2025 14:14

You'd had alcohol and wouldn't have been able to drive even if you'd been happy to.

Littleredgoat · 13/08/2025 14:18

If she wants a lift she needs to tell you before you've had a drink. It's a great opportunity to model behaviour for her now that you don't get behind the wheel if you've had a drink regardless of whether you 'think' youre under the limit or not.

Original poster

malificent7 · 13/08/2025 14:20

We have had a lot of rows about lifts recently. I drive 3 hours per day and don't like driving.
Dd works so hard at school and in her evening jobs but the evening work means I am waoting a lot at weekends to do lifts. Sometimes she works out of town and I will lift her.
So many parents aay thwy love doing lifts and I do get it's time to talk to teens but tbh I find it really hard being a taxi driver. Dh does loads too. It's not poor dds fault either but I do get accused of moaning about lifts and rbh I do.
Feel like a shit mum. Id rather do lifts than worry about her walking in the sark.

OP posts:

fatgirlswims · 13/08/2025 14:22

I think asking for a lift at 9.30 pm is quite unreasonable - would ask the same favour? Fine if pre planned even earlier the day.

all you have to say is no I had a glass of wine?

user2848502016 · 13/08/2025 14:24

I wouldn’t drive until a few hours after I’d had a glass of wine, I would be under the limit but I can tell it affects me too much.

At 17 your DD is old enough to have planned and asked you in advance if you were able to give her a lift

Original poster

malificent7 · 13/08/2025 14:25

Dark .
I also love vommute!

One shift dd did was 40 mins drive there...i took her then I left an event half way through to pick her up so that say I spent 160 mins driving her but she was working hard so I felt I couldnt grumble. We tried to find her alternative lifts but to no avail. I did feel angry about it and let het know as I feel I have no life as have to bea taxi driver. Moreover I have to enjoy the time in the car with my teen when in reality we bicker!
She is leaving home soon and I feel sad she is going but at least I will get weekends back.

OP posts:

Threesacrow · 13/08/2025 14:26

You're only being unreasonable for thinking you should feel bad about this. Your dd understands and isn't bothered. She's old enough to sort out her own social life. She asked you in case you could give her a lift, but you couldn't and she's fine with that. Sounds like she's level headed and responsible, no need to worry at all

HappilyDivorced89 · 13/08/2025 14:26

YANBU - you'd had alcohol so automatically shouldn't have driven anyway.

Growlybear83 · 13/08/2025 14:26

I don’t think 9.30 is particularly late to be asking for a lift and if Inwas satisfied thst I was under the limit, I would have given her a lift.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 13/08/2025 14:45

Id rather do lifts than worry about her walking in the dark.

So stop 'being awkward' about them and having rows about them then.
Last night - fine. You had drunk alcohol and DD didn't mind. But try to be a bit more flexible and put your 'tiredness' to one side every now and then. One day, she may be driving you to and from appointments when you are old!

Agapornis · 13/08/2025 15:21

Can she get a job closer by? Get an electric bike or scooter for journeys up to 20ish minutes? I don't think a 40 minute commute is a reasonable expectation at 17 with no transport.

Original poster

malificent7 · 13/08/2025 15:22

I know but I wouldn't want her to drive me to appojntments tbh...id rather get a taxi/ transport setvice. I'd want her to live her life

OP posts:

CharlotteFlax · 13/08/2025 15:23

Did she get to the pub last night?

Darragon · 13/08/2025 15:24

I think you need to review the current alcohol limits if you think you'd be under them after a glass of strong wine.

PurpleThistle7 · 13/08/2025 15:25

I think you were unreasonable for considering it. You shouldn't drive after a drink, the end.

Sounds like the setup isn't ideal but it's about to change?

outerspacepotato · 13/08/2025 15:42

You feel like you did something wrong saying no to your daughter's request for a lift. After drinking, with a birthday happening, an early wakeup needed, and this would be too late.

There is nothing wrong in saying to to an unreasonable request. Why do you feel you should cater to her every ask is what you should be asking yourself.

Original poster

malificent7 · 13/08/2025 15:42

Yes...she is about to do driving lessons. But she will still prob want lifts to the pub which is fine if I am not drinking.
I prefer not to do last minute lifts and tiredness kills.
I once fell asleep at the wheel for a split second after a night shift.

OP posts:

HypnoToads · 13/08/2025 15:44

Don't feel bad at all about bot wanting to/being unable to give a lift last night.

RE the work lifts, this sounds mad. She needs to consider getting a job she can walk/cycle/bus to instead. For some of these shifts you'll have probably spent more on fuel/time than the pay is worth (assuming minimum wage).

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:03

Strange that you both were drinking, always had the rule that one person in the house who can drive is sober.

5128gap · 13/08/2025 16:07

You feel bad because DD is being nice about it. If she was throwing a strop and telling you you were selfish for ruining her evening, you'd feel fine about it I'm sure. Such is the contrary nature of the human condition.

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