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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We were right not to give dd a lift weren't we? feel like a cow today

53 replies

malificent7 · 13/08/2025 13:49

Dd is 17. Dosn't drive yet. It was dhs bday yesterday...We both had a glass of strong dessert wine. At 9.30pm dd announced she wanted to go to a local pub to see friends...could I give her a lift?
I was reluctant as ;
Was dhs bday and wanted to relax.
We had both drunk ( under limit but still.)
Was very last minute and she was still faffing at 10pm.
I have to get up at 5.30am so need an early night.
I drive a 1.5 hr vommute there and bk waxh day. 3 hours in total.
I feel bad today as I can be awkward aboit lifts. I do them but not if im tired. I have a long commute.
Dh ( step dad) is lovely and does lots of lifts but I didnt wantt him to after a drink and it being his bday.
Dd sats she dosn't mind...why do I feel so bad?

OP posts:
SapphireOpal · 13/08/2025 16:13

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:03

Strange that you both were drinking, always had the rule that one person in the house who can drive is sober.

I could understand this with a newborn but you didn't both drink at the same time when you had a 17yo?!

Coconutter24 · 13/08/2025 16:37

Dd sats she dosn't mind...why do I feel so bad?

If she didn’t mind I’m not sure what the issue is?

Coconutter24 · 13/08/2025 16:39

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:03

Strange that you both were drinking, always had the rule that one person in the house who can drive is sober.

They had one glass and both under the limit. It’s not strange at all to both have a glass together during a celebration. It’s more strange to have the rule you have

TheNightingalesStarling · 13/08/2025 16:45

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:03

Strange that you both were drinking, always had the rule that one person in the house who can drive is sober.

I'd find it stranger to drink alone rather than having a celebratory drink together.

I think it would be fine to set a rule going forward that lifts have to be "booked" in advance (and include DD in that in exchange for contributing towards lessons, insurance etc)

Twistedfirestarters · 13/08/2025 16:49

Why on earth are you still thinking about this?

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 16:50

Couldn’t she get a taxi/uber on this occasion? Do any of her friends drive?

andthat · 13/08/2025 16:58

It’s hard to know if you’re being unreasonable @malificent7 without more info.

If you live remotely with no access to public transport… then you are being unreasonable. Your choice to bring kids up in that setting.

If your DD has access to a train/bus/uber… then you’re not!!

Beammeupscotty2025 · 13/08/2025 17:03

Uber? Taxi? I encouraged my DC to always have alternatives and know how to get from A to B using what is out there. I am happy to give lifts but sometimes it is not possible. Of course if you live in the middle of nowhere and alternatives aren’t available that is different.

Ponderingwindow · 13/08/2025 17:05

You had a drink so it was a no go.

even if you had not, a 9:30 departure would have been a hard no for me. It’s too late for the start of an outing. I know there are people who think that’s just when things get started, but I just don’t live like that and I wouldn’t be facilitating a teenager to do it either. When she is old enough to be fully independent, she can make bad choices, until then it’s up to me to help her make good ones.

Growlybear83 · 13/08/2025 17:08

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:03

Strange that you both were drinking, always had the rule that one person in the house who can drive is sober.

But they had both only had one glass of wine and so would have been sober.

MonsterasEverywhere · 13/08/2025 17:09

You say you would be under the limit for drink driving but I wouldn't be so sure of that. My friend was pulled up last week for drink driving after one glass of wine (normal strength, not dessert which are generally stronger-she blew 38 at the roadside). The best policy is to never consider driving after drinking.

Aspanielstolemysanity · 13/08/2025 17:09

All my peer group don't drive if we have had even a sip of alcohol. But then we lost a dear friend when they were knocked down and killed by a driver who had had a drink but was not "over the limit". I wish that was the law in England.

Yanbu op.

ClaredeBear · 13/08/2025 17:11

You would be setting her a bad example if you drove after drinking.

WhatNoRaisins · 13/08/2025 17:11

I think if you've chosen to live somewhere where there's no transport then you should suck up some lifts but it's not unreasonable to expect some forward planning.

Floranan · 13/08/2025 17:14

Yes you were right not to drive, and I don’t see the problem with both of you having a drink it’s not as if you’re looking after young children.

What I do question is a 17 year old going to the pub and not going out until 9.30.

mine are all adults now, and maybe my memory is questionable about some things, but there’s no way any or my daughters would have gone out at that time and certainly not to the pub. Not with my knowledge anyway

13SixWeetabix · 13/08/2025 17:19

This one occasion isn't worth dwelling on.

I'd say if you live somewhere awkward you should lighten up on the lifts and do it for her sometimes putting your own tiredness aside - but only if she is reasonable in return, gives notice, asks nicely etc. Do you have taxis where you are? I don't think it would be unreasonable for her to utilise other options sometimes either. It sounds like the sooner she can drive the better!

Original poster
malificent7 · 13/08/2025 18:31

Yes...she is about to do driving lessons. But she will still prob want lifts to the pub which is fine if I am not drinking.
I prefer not to do last minute lifts and tiredness kills.
I once fell asleep at the wheel for a split second after a night shift. Scaredcthe hell out of me.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 13/08/2025 18:34

@FlorananWhy is going out at 9.30 when you’re 17 a problem? I often went out at that time, as did my daughter. The only thing that I always felt strongly about was thst I didn’t want my daughter walking around after dark on her own, so I almost always gave her a lift.

KnewYearKnewMe · 13/08/2025 18:42

May parents never ever gave me or my siblings lifts, anywhere. My dad in particular was selfish and self centred.

my dads grew up knowing we would always give them lifts, that they could rely on us.

if we were going out, and had had a drink, then of course it’s a no, but anything else, I considered it part of being a reliable parent.

they are grown now and talk about how secure that made them feel.

Spinachpastapicker · 13/08/2025 18:49

Skybluepinky · 13/08/2025 16:03

Strange that you both were drinking, always had the rule that one person in the house who can drive is sober.

Oh ffs. There’s always one ….

It’s not strange AT ALL as it was her DP’s Birthday! And the kid/s are teens - it’s not like a paranoid over protective FTM weaning a 6 month old and wanting to be able to get to the hospital in case of choking.

If you honestly think that parents of late teens need to stay permanently sober, you need to give yourself a shake.

And no, I’m not a big drinker justifying anything - it’s just normal life to be able to enjoy a glass of wine on someone’s birthday

Spinachpastapicker · 13/08/2025 18:52

Growlybear83 · 13/08/2025 17:08

But they had both only had one glass of wine and so would have been sober.

Show quote history

Maybe not for driving after a strong dessert wine in a home measure, not pub measure. They are higher ABV. I wouldn’t risk it and OP was right not to.

childofthe607080s · 13/08/2025 18:54

We always have a no alcohol rule on driving so it was simple for us no need to feel guilty

hididdlyho · 13/08/2025 18:59

I think it's a good example to set to not get behind the wheel even after having just one drink, I can see no benefits to normalising driving after drinking any amount of alcohol. It sounds like your daughter was understanding, so try not to overthink it.

Original poster
malificent7 · 13/08/2025 21:43

Well she was but we had a row about it.

Ive been criticised for not wanting to drive when there are flood warnings before even though I was once nearly stranded by floods and therefore anxious.

We live on a market town with ok bus links.no trains etc. Most work is very local but some at bigger events is in the countryside. I am proud she is working though although it means I spend my life driving.

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 13/08/2025 22:46

Your dd needs to start organising actual taxis and factor the cost in if she wants to go to work or the pub!