Visitors after birth

[ariana861]

I’m wondering how long it’s appropriate to ask my in laws to wait to come and visit and meet the baby once they’re born. I know my MIL will want to be there ASAP but I feel like I will need at least a few days for me, my husband and the baby to have some time to ourselves. But if I’m honest with myself I’d like longer but I feel like I’ll get a lot of pushback

I have always loved and will continue to love these looney threads. I know not one single person in real life that doesn’t have their parents/in-laws round as soon as they get home from hospital (unless they hate them of course)

These baby bubble people are the same as the ones who freak out that DH might be more than an hour away from home in their last month of pregnancy. Or go on an overnight golf trip when the baby is 4 months old.

But then they’re also the same ones that MIL doesn’t want to provide free childcare for 5 years.

I banned my parents for 8 weeks - they had to fly over and we aren’t close really. I didn’t want them seeing me in pain and I didn’t want to pander to them sitting passively in silence when I had no energy. I’m glad I did and in hindsight it should have been more like 12 weeks.

in laws came over 3 days later but they live local so popped in, had a cuddle and popped out. My parents it was two weeks of having to babysit them daily.

I think this is cultural and a western thing. Our whole family came the evening we came back from hospital parents, siblings, aunties and uncles. Ordered a takeaway. Not a big deal. Still have lovely photos (wish I looked better but not the end of the world).

Honestly, your baby will sleep so much I don't see why you'd make people who live nearby wait. It'll make them happy, and really won't cause you any inconvenience. Don't make up unnecessary rules and then expect childcare favours down the line :-)

Are you asking your own parents to wait as well? Both sets of parents should be treated the same as long as there is no pre-existing conflict.

Why don't you just ask everyone to text/call before making plans to visit and take each day at a time depending on how you feel.

IMO it is polite to text new parents "when you're ready for a visit let me know, in the meantime if you need anything let me know".

My DD had her 2nd on Monday and I won't go unless she says she's feeling up to visitors. I was allowed a quick cuddle last night but didn't stay long as per her wishes. Her MIL is welcome as well but she can't get there on her own so will wait till the weekend.

Just don't make a big thing of making them wait and then whinge that they don't offer to help or are not as invovled as you expect them to be.

As others have said, it’s personal preference. We had family in the hospital come to see the first born, second I didn’t have any choice over as it was Covid. I missed those initial visits and felt people missed out on seeing her for so long.

As mentioned by someone else.. to the ones treating their inlaws differently to their parents, don’t post here in a couple of years time saying mil puts her own DD’s childcare needs before yours!

Same day child is born, no idea why you think they should wait.

I didn't mind at all when anyone wanted came round to visit. Seems to be more of a thing nowadays like not letting people hold their baby.

It’s completely up to you of course but if your in laws are perfectly normal & sensitive to your needs do you need up make them wait a set amount of time?

If you have a tough birth and aren’t up for a visit your husband can just tell them that and rearrange? I had c section. My nice normal
in laws came to visit DS in hospital, gave DH a big hug and me a careful cuddle, brought some useful bits, coffees and treats for us & left after 20 mins or so when I needed to try feeding. No issue, it was nice to show someone our baby!

We had a few visitors in week 1 and all stayed a short time, brought food & didn’t expect me to get off the sofa.

Sometimes would I have preferred my own parents? Yes.

Would I make DH feel that my parents are more important than his? No.

This. Also your DH will surely want to show off the baby to his mum and dad. Same as you will with yours.

We had MIL round 4 days after birth for a short visit. My parents 6 days after. Discharged from hospital post c section and PPH 1 day after birth. Long wished for IVF baby, not really bothered about the right way to do things. My mum brought a big homemade lasagne and changed our bed, then looked after me while I felt poorly and DH had some rest. MIL wouldn't even think about doing that.

I’m obviously sister in law not parents in law in this situation, but I think I waited 3 weeks to meet my nephew. At the end of the day, it’s your body and you’re the one giving birth. It’s nobody else’s business what you want to do. If they don’t like it, tough.

I think it's better to focus on the timing and length of any visits rather than banning altogether. (Unless you ban everyone for a set amount of time and not just your in laws.)

My mother was with me when I gave birth, my in laws visited in the hospital the next day and probably left when it was time for me to get my breasts out and try the rigmarole of latching baby on again. But it was lovely when they came in to meet their grandchild, they were so happy.
I remember I also cancelled on them once because I was just so tired and felt I needed to nap, they were disappointed but understood. They would not have understood a set timescale where they were banned from visiting though. So I'd advise against that but still communicate if there's a time that's really not good for you or if you ever need them to leave.

My own parents came to visit when DS was five days old. PIL came when he was about three weeks, I think, but they live at the other end of the country and had to stay for a couple of days.

Asking for a few days is absolutely fine and I don't think you need to treat them the same either. When you have just given birth and you're sore and vulnerable, you are likely going to feel more comfortable with your parents.

Its also fine to just wait and see how you feel. I was stir crazy and went out for dinner on day 5... and DH left for deployment on day 7!

And here you have it. To the poster to whom you replied, it was about the closeness the new mum has to her own mum during a moment of vulnerability. To you (presumably mother of boys) it's a power game.

It is absolutely fine to want your own mum around you when you are giving birth ir have recently given birth.

It's absolutely fine to not want other people, including in-law, around. Even if they don't like it.

It's not just about the baby and the father is less important at this stage, and so are his parents.

Relived that my in-laws are not insane

I think it’s personal and there’s no right or wrong, but it might cause tension if your in-laws are not allowed to come but your parents are. I’m saying this as someone who wanted her mum there almost immediately and wouldn’t not have minded having in-laws waiting 2-4 weeks 🙃 We agreed on open house for close family from day 5 onwards.

Well yeah, as they say, opinions are like arse holes.

You've got yours and I've got mine.

In an ideal world you should be able to take a can't make any promises approach and family should be understanding. I also get why for the postpartum period there might be a difference between mums parents and in laws because the new mum's needs and recovery should take priority over fairness for this short period of time.

My in laws made me really stressed, they were due to go on holiday two weeks after the due date and were insistent that they absolutely had to see the baby before they went. I was worried I'd be overdue and bullied into a visit before I was ready, could have done without it. Luckily the baby came early.

We didn't really discuss timelines for visiting before the birth with anyone as "setting expectations" seems to cause a lot of upset. We wanted to play it by ear depending on how the birth went.

With my first, my in laws came the day after we got home for a short visit (less than an hour) and then longer visits after a week or so.

Second time round, I ended up having an extremely traumatic birth and a stay in intensive care. My in laws saw baby briefly when we came home as they were looking after firstborn. I think they came back a few days later for half an hour to hold the baby and then left us to recover for a couple of weeks as we really were knocked for six.

I wouldn't overthink it at this stage. You'll know how ready you are after the baby arrives.

My DS was born at 10.30am and my parents and MIL were in my hospital room by 2pm. It was a joyful day and I couldn’t wait to share it with our nearest and dearest. My DF went home that afternoon and came back the following day for more cuddles.

Me too. I had to give them their place, even though FIL is one of the most obnoxious men to ever walk the face of the earth.

And it's worth remembering that the grandparents aren't just interested in snatching your baby out your arms, they're there to check on their own babies and give them a congratulatory hug.