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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visitors after birth

86 replies

ariana861 · 12/08/2025 22:40

I’m wondering how long it’s appropriate to ask my in laws to wait to come and visit and meet the baby once they’re born. I know my MIL will want to be there ASAP but I feel like I will need at least a few days for me, my husband and the baby to have some time to ourselves. But if I’m honest with myself I’d like longer but I feel like I’ll get a lot of pushback

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 12/08/2025 22:42

Are you asking everyone to wait or just your in laws?

GiveItAGoMalcom · 12/08/2025 22:43

It's a personal thing so only you can say.

With all 3 of my births I couldn't wait to have my mum, dad, siblings and inlaws come and visit, so they were there about 2 hours after.

But if you want more time then I suggest you play it by ear and keep them updated as to when you're up to it.

laurini · 12/08/2025 22:44

We said 2 weeks for both mine and DH's family. Everything went fine so we ended up inviting them over sooner than that. However, it was good to set expectations just in case. I know some people think 2 weeks is way too long but I had no idea how id feel, as it was my first baby. I also thought it was important to treat both families equally.

Everley · 12/08/2025 22:47

It’s completely personal to you. I thought I didn’t want visitors in hospital or for a little while once we got home, but then baby was born and I couldn’t wait for people to visit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2025 22:48

Do you like them? How far away do they live which will affect whether they can pop in for an hour or would want to come and stay ages?

With both of mine I was desperate for people to meet them and I had complicated sections so I lay around in my pjs while they brought biscuits and admired my babies and had a cuddle, but our friends and family are decent sorts who don’t overstay, arrange to visit in advance and are peaceful to spend time with.

Enko · 12/08/2025 22:53

I likely wont help you here.

it is one of my most treasured memories wheb mil and fil came to meet their first granddaughter. I can still see fil standing there holding her so proud.

They arrived within 24 hours with all 4 of mine and were welcome. (Fil had passed before no 4 arrived)

I love having my family close and this was no exception .

TrixieFatell · 12/08/2025 22:56

If you are asking everyone to wait a certain time period then it's up to you. I personally couldn't wait to introduce my baby to my friends and family and loved the visitors but it really is a personal choice.

If it's just that you are singling out your in laws it becomes a bit unfair then (unless there's a back story you haven't put up).

JungleRun21 · 12/08/2025 23:05

Its personal choice and it really depends on how the birth etc goes.
We didnt make plans luckily as the birth of our 1st was a bit of a drama. I think it was 10 days, poss a bit more before the in laws met her.
They arent local and couldnt possibly fit us into their busy, retired schedule sooner.
If im honest i wish we had left it longer simply because they made everything about them. Demanded to be waited on hand and foot and completely disregarded how unwell I was which actually really upset me. They wouldnt give baby back for feeds and generally just got in our way.
My mother visited after 6 days, only because DH went and picked her up due to her ill health. She was incredibly helpful and didnt even ask to hold baby until we offered. Her visit was cut short by a midwife visit which landed me back in hospital.

This time around we will only invite people over once we are ready. We know there will be alot of monitoring following the birth so we just want some time to ourselves after what has been a very stressful pregnancy.
Everyone is individual though and you need to decide as a family what works for you both.

ShanghaiDiva · 12/08/2025 23:11

I would wait and see how you feel after the birth. I had an emergency section under general anaesthetic and didn’t feel up to any visitors.
are you asking everyone to wait or just your in laws?

Pistachiocake · 12/08/2025 23:16

Normally they'll be visiting in the hospital? The only ones I've heard of not doing this are if you go home straight after birth. I would just say to welcome everyone straight away, unless they've done something really bad to you. Making one set of grandparents wait seems very unfair, and can set up a load of problems. If you're worried they'll do something really bad based on what you've seen in the past, say if they try to demand you make a 5 course meal for them, give a list of ways they can help, like bringing you and your partner food, and set clear expectations-like I'll only be feeding people who wear nappies! I would have been really mad at my partner if he'd suggested one set of grandparents were more important and should get to come first, whether that was his or mine. To be honest, my mum would have torn strips off me-she always hated MIL jokes and said that if you love your partner/baby, remember to honour where they came from. For other family, see who wants to visit and again, try to be equal-if anyone you know is likely to be an issue, eg SIL bringing her toddlers who'll run round knocking things over, you can say to arrange sitters/let other family watch them, if they've got history of causing issues.

Numbersaremything · 12/08/2025 23:23

MiL and Fil were our first visitors, a few hours after DD was born. MiL was wheeled up to visit from oncology to meet her namesake.

My parents came 3 days later, driving 200 miles each way in one day to meet their granddaughter.

I couldn't imagine even considering hiding DD away from her closest family, let alone treating each side differently. People are very weird about babies these days. In a year or so they all complain that nobody is willing to help.

TheFairyCaravan · 12/08/2025 23:30

We went a couple of days later. DDIL’s parents went the day after she came out of hospital because they live just up the road and we live 3 hours away. DDIL wouldn’t let anyone else visit until we’d met him.

It’s always been important to DS2 and DDIL that there’s no hierarchy of grandparents in our family so they try to be as fair as possible. Yes, DGS sees his other grandparents more than us, and they’re his childcare, but we’re FaceTimed every day DS2 & DDIL aren’t at work so he can still have a close relationship with us.

jetlag92 · 12/08/2025 23:32

How far away do they live?
My mum came down after my first was born for a week (after DH's week paternity leave) to help and then my MIL came down the following week. Only she was not at all helpful and we had to ask her to leave after a couple of days.

So it depends on logistics.
Edit: MIL lives about 6 hours away and doesn't drive, my mum is 3 hours away. Neither could just pop in

Yachtingaroundtheworldiwish · 12/08/2025 23:34

Why are you asking just about your in-laws? What about your parents?

Best advice is to wait and see how you feel but remember, your in-laws are grandparents, just the same as your parents.

littleorangefox · 12/08/2025 23:36

You can ask them to wait as long as you like. It's about when you feel comfortable. And yes, it is actually completely fine to have your own parents visit while still asking in laws to wait although that seems like an unpopular opinion. It can feel like quite a vulnerable time. Most women will feel more comfortable with their own parents visiting but not others and that is completely fine.

Hillarious · 12/08/2025 23:37

Never crossed my mind to keep visitors away. DH spent his first lot of paternity leave baking cake. In laws visited us in hospital as soon as they could, within hours. My parents arrived the following day. Our first child, their first grandchild. Of course everyone was excited and keen to visit. Post partum haemorrhage , so not the most straightforward of births, but everyone - family and friends - was so excited for us. We were excited too and wanted just to share this magical moment.

FrazzledHippy · 12/08/2025 23:40

Any amount of time you feel you need is absolutely fine. All I'll say is stand firm! I wanted a few days with just me, DH and DD after the birth, but, when I floated this idea with MIL (no family my side) her reply was "you won't stop me coming" and low and behold, we didn't. She turned up to the house the day we got back from hospital. After a traumatic birth, birth Injuries and a hospital stay coupled with a poorly DD, I could of done without it and she really pissed on my chips. If it were now both me and DH would tell her to go away until she was invited but we were meek and mild 8 years ago!

GiveItAGoMalcom · 12/08/2025 23:41

littleorangefox · 12/08/2025 23:36

You can ask them to wait as long as you like. It's about when you feel comfortable. And yes, it is actually completely fine to have your own parents visit while still asking in laws to wait although that seems like an unpopular opinion. It can feel like quite a vulnerable time. Most women will feel more comfortable with their own parents visiting but not others and that is completely fine.

Far from 'completely fine', I think it's 'completely shit'.

Especially if the dad wants to show his baby to his parents too.

No wonder there are so many threads in Relationships about 'difficult inlaws', if they're treated like second best from the off.

The birth of a baby is no time for playing power games.

cheesycheesy · 12/08/2025 23:42

It’s really dependent on how you feel after. First time I felt too awful for a good few weeks for visitors, plus a prem baby. Second time I was happy to see visitors much sooner.

littleorangefox · 12/08/2025 23:43

GiveItAGoMalcom · 12/08/2025 23:41

Far from 'completely fine', I think it's 'completely shit'.

Especially if the dad wants to show his baby to his parents too.

No wonder there are so many threads in Relationships about 'difficult inlaws', if they're treated like second best from the off.

The birth of a baby is no time for playing power games.

Show quote history

Oh well, that's your opinion.

It's far from a "power game". No new mother should feel obligated or forced into having visitors if she feels uncomfortable with them being there. They can wait to see the baby. They aren't going anywhere.

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 12/08/2025 23:46

Among my friends and family, no one has ever asked for anyone to wait. Once we’ve had the call or text to say everyone is safe and well, we visit, for close friends and family it’s been within hours or days of giving birth. That works for us. But it wouldn’t necessarily work for you. You do what works for you and don’t feel bad about it. Wishing you a smooth birth OP.

Lament7189 · 12/08/2025 23:47

DH and I did our own thing together for a few days after DS was born and then went and visited parents and in-laws in our own time.

We didn’t make a big deal out of it with anyone really. We just met people over time as when convenient. I can’t recall anyone coming to our house though. We went and visited them.

GiveItAGoMalcom · 12/08/2025 23:58

littleorangefox · 12/08/2025 23:43

Oh well, that's your opinion.

It's far from a "power game". No new mother should feel obligated or forced into having visitors if she feels uncomfortable with them being there. They can wait to see the baby. They aren't going anywhere.

Show quote history

If her husband's parents can wait then so can hers.

They aren't going anywhere either.

AxolotlEars · 13/08/2025 00:03

I think the hospital is a great time to see relatives. I have always given them time to come about an hour before the end of visiting. I can't imagine holding my husband's family at arm's length even though I'm not particularly close to them. It's so exciting to share your baby with those you love. You'll have plenty of time together as a threesome. An hour with your parents or in-laws isn't much, as long as you aren't poorly.

Eenameenadeeka · 13/08/2025 00:21

I think a quick visit in the hospital can be quite good because it has rules around visiting and it's not set up for hosting long visits so people generally don't stay too long, where if you wait until you are home you have to be ready for visiting and some people stay a long time and expect to be served food and things.