Visitors after birth

[ariana861]

I’m wondering how long it’s appropriate to ask my in laws to wait to come and visit and meet the baby once they’re born. I know my MIL will want to be there ASAP but I feel like I will need at least a few days for me, my husband and the baby to have some time to ourselves. But if I’m honest with myself I’d like longer but I feel like I’ll get a lot of pushback

How far does MIL live from your home? If she’s going to need to stay the night/be catered for then a couple of weeks is more understandable. If she can conceivably pop by for an hour that’s better.

We didn’t set any expectations with DC1 because I didn’t know how I’d feel but I had both sets of parents round the next day after we’d got home from hospital. I was excited for them to meet DD.

With DC2 we had my parents come to the hospital which actually worked really well because it ticked that visit off the list, and it meant that when we got home we’d get valuable time with just us to properly introduce DD to her bother. My MIL was watching DD at our home so she met him when we got home, stayed a little while for a snuggle then left.

If I were you I’d just not tell anyone a time yet. If they ask, you can just say that you’ll see how you are feeling at the time.

This is a tough one. I treat my parents and MIL equally (even though I am obviously more fond of my own!) but that’s because I have built such a close relationship with my MIL and I never want her to feel pushed out. She came venue hunting/wedding dress shopping with me and my mum too.

That said, I can totally understand why a woman would be happy to see her own parents, but not someone else’s when she’s just been ripped apart, is heavily bleeding, suffering post-contractions, establishing feeding etc.

I think with MIL and DIL relationships you get what you give. I imagine most women would welcome their MIL’s similarly to their own parents if MIL has been kind and welcoming to them. If they’ve been demanding, over bearing, critical, jealous etc then they might be less comfortable.

I had planned on getting few hours to myself and dh with baby but my mil and sil were waiting outside the maternity ward and waylaid me on my way back to my room. I remember being so annoyed and cross with them that they couldn't just wait a little. Dh hadn't even rung my parents at this stage. MIL just came to the hospital to see what was happening as she knew I was in all day already 🙄 32 years later it still annoys me 🙈

It's very personal and related to your hormones. Some mums instinct is to nest & protect. Some are happy with wider family around them.

I know I wanted to rip the arms of anyone except dp, who came too close, in the first 10 days. After that, I calmed down and welcomed all comers for short visits.

See how you feel. Make sure dh backs you up. He should be your gatekeeper. If all else fails and people get too intrusive, take baby & retreat to your bed. Use a door wedge to keep them out if necessary. Some people have no manners so you have to be firm.

Back when mums stayed in hospital longer, it felt so much easier for everyone to meet the baby. You’d pop in, have a cuddle, say congratulations, and leave — no pressure to host, no awkward “should we help with the washing up?” moments. These days, it feels a lot more complicated.
For me, the biggest thing was doing what worked for us — especially for me as the mum. I’d just been through what’s basically major surgery, and I needed time to heal. Of course, it would have been lovely for the grandparents to meet the baby right away, but I just wasn’t ready for that.
We could have squeezed in a few short visits, but then you get into that awkward “who comes first?” situation. On top of that, I was trying to get breastfeeding going, and my baby was slow to gain weight, so I spent a lot of time topless doing skin-to-skin. In the end, we decided to ask everyone to wait — it felt fairer, and honestly, it took so much pressure off us.
Ultimately what is right/wrong is going to be personal to you, your partner and you family dynamic

If you just want you and your dh for a while that’s up to you

I wouldn’t start prioritising one family over the other though. When you’re ready just ask them all over.

Ours came a long way to visit but only stayed an hour or so after each pregnancy. I had a third degree tear with the first and a Caesarian with twins on the second and breastfed them all so it wasn’t an easy time of it but once they’ve visited it’s all done.
You're not expected to put on a big meal or even, as in my case, get off the sofa.

Actually my MIL was awful but we still treated both families the same simply because they were the kids grandparents

Say you want to see how the birth goes and you’re keeping an open mind until then, depending on how you feel.

I had 2 c sections and absolutely needed the physical help with rest to recover.

So if that is the case, then only invite them if they are going to be helpful. I found just sitting and chatting bloody exhausting.

You see I’m completely different
I couldn’t stand them being helpful. Faffing around trying to clean or load the washing machine would drive me crazy.
visit, chat and a cup of tea. Job done.

( of course I’m always up for anyone to do the weeding though 😄)

For me if was more to have someone hold my baby while I could rest. Or not have me constantly holding my baby on my painful stomach. Not doing my washing.

Oh and also bringing food or making food really helped.

This.

I couldn't wait to have visits with mine but if your in laws are likely to impose, take over or expect to be waited upon then a hospital visit might be the solution.

I personally don't think it's great to stay isolated after the birth and can contribute to PND.

My in-laws came to the hospital. They saw baby before my own parents (who lived 250 miles away). Sure your DH will want his parents there asap. I’d find it easier to ask for a short visit only on day 2 and then ask them to give you some space. I do find it quite sad when some grandparents are asked to wait a week plus when they are desperate to see their new grandchildren.

It is totally up to you, as the mother who hs gone through it. First time I felt like in had to have everyone come a few hours after (a 3 day and very challenging) birth - grandparents on both sides siblings and partners. I felt awful, in so much pain and absolutely hated it. No one forced me, I just thought that was expected.

2nd baby (also difficult delivery) I made a different choice. DH supported throughout, but the only person who visited was my mum, and that was to support me rather than see baby, to give my husband time to go home get showered a nap etc. My Dad, siblings and in laws all asked to wait until a couple days later and we were home. This felt so much better for me and no one seemed to have any issues with it.

My dad came to visit me in hospital when my first was about 12hrs old. One of my fondest memories.

Went round to husband's first wife's house when I was discharged next day to met step-sibs.

My mother finally managed to come over when he was 11 days old because she was busy at work. Allegedly.

My MiL was too ill to travel to us so we drove down to see her a couple of weeks later ( 3 hour journey each way).

I never felt any need for time to ourselves. There's enough of that in the first few months. It was lovely to share our baby with the people who would love him.

I saw all if my grandchildren within 24 hrs of their births. They don’t have to stay long

No one in my family or friendship group has ever asked anyone to wait for an allotted amount of time to meet a new addition to the family!

My favourite moments were sharing my brand new babies with all the people who I knew would love them, and being spoilt rotten in the process. And meeting other babies new to our extended family and giving them those first cuddles.

I am very VERY thankful to have a family where everyone is included and not left sidelined and that includes the in-law side of my family.

I guess I’m just older but I find this just all a bit sad.

I had one night in hospital with both births. Both sets of grandparents came to the hospital. Day I was discharged we had just us at home. Visitors the next time.

Don't use this as a control thing over someone else and treat both sets equally.

Ate they the type of relatives who will want waited on hand and foot, or the type who will whisk the hoover round, fill the fridge with easy meals Nd bring you more cups of tea than a human can drink? That's the big difference really.

Surely this is the role of the father of the child?

Yes he did that, but both of our babies had reflux, would not lie flat, wanted to be held all the time. I was in pain, neither of us slept and we needed extra help.

Depends how long they’re coming for. All our parents visited the day after birth but only stayed for a couple of hours. Had they been staying longer I’d have needed a couple of extra days to sort myself out.

Depends, are they close by and happy to pop in for a quick cuddle and leave or will they be visiting for a period of time?

We ended up with quite a lot of drop ins as we both have big families but thankfully no-one stayed beyond a quick cuddle and cup of tea.

I made my expectations very clear. People were welcome to come to meet the baby but it needed to be a flying visit in the very early days.

Well of course they can. But if she wants to invite them or they ask to come and she's OK with it but not OK with in laws visiting yet then that's her choice and there's nothing wrong with it.

I can't remember exactly why, but when I had DD2 in early 90's my fil came into the delivery suite shortly after DD's birth and he held her before me. He had many DGC but always had a soft spot for DD

Never really thought anything of it but it didn't bother me at the time

My dad visited me in hospital (section I was in for three days). We got home and the next two days all and sundry came - fine by me! Then we went out to lunch the third day - first BF in public!
I don’t get the ‘having time to ourselves’. Babies are boring. Presumably your visitors are not staying over. Just let them come, make sure YOU are not waiting on them, enjoy the attention. But if you want, tell them to wait - but you better tell your own parents the same.