How do you handle a narcissist you don't want to cut off

[Fragmentedbrain]

They add value to your life they're amazing people

But they don't know the boundaries

Cutting off isn't an option and I'm in a position where I can say no to their unreasonable demands but

Is the only way to go from here a parting? Or is there a way to get through?

This is the truth (if they are indeed an actual narcissist)
I’ve been in a similar situation, but in the end, I started to say no to the request more frequently and they just moved on to other people. I have some fun memories though.

I suspect this is the way it will go. Definitely a narcissist (I mean it's not like there's a blood test for it but it's a pure state of being ime).

Yeah, feeling validated by them including you in their life is pretty unhealthy! What happens if they decide to exclude you?

People are being very naive if they dont believe that narcisists can be controlling, manipulative and self centred but ALSO charming, funny and engaging. We have someone I strongly suspect is one in our extended friend group, drama follows her everywhere and she can be a very damaging person when she inserts herslf into other peoples situations, but she is also clever, well read, well travelled and can bring any get together alive. I like her but am also wary of getting too close to her. I think this is the secret to it - recognise the person for who and what they are, enjoy the more positive side of their personality, but always keep a personal distance and dont ever allow yourself to be charmed into the inner circle - it always ends badly,

Them being charming, particularly, is what draws many of us in initially isn’t it. It’s when they drop the charm that the trouble starts.

Yes this is very relatable. I had this type of set up with my ex. We had a phone friendship and it worked for me as we could chat throughout the day. He could be funny and he was a “safe” person I could tell certain things to. But he was a serious prick. I was able to shake off most of his prickish behaviour but for the past year he’d gotten really bad. Excessively mocking me and making jabs that were “jokes”. He had always been like that but it got worse and I finally he said something’s recently and I finally had to cut him off for good. Our “friendship “ had gotten too toxic and his nasty personality was too much. Oddly I still do miss our chats but I couldn’t take the extra nastiness anymore.

They just can’t help themselves can they. It’s the nature of the beast.

OP, I would advise you to never share confidences about any of your fears, they’ll store those for future reference. And remember, abandon all sincere communication with the permanently insincere.

I like to think of people that are like this as the equivalent of ultra processed food. It tastes and feels great in the moment but then you come away feeling dissatisfied or like it’s upset your system. So it’s not good for you to have it very much and you need to be disciplined about how much and how often you have it.

If you’re finding it hard to maintain the discipline it’s possibly better to go “cold turkey” and have none.

It seems this person is someone who is the “belle of the ball” or “life and soul of the party” and it’s lovely basking in their light. Then the full lights come on and they don’t seem as glamorous or like the shiny effect is working anymore. That’s because it is a show, a performance, and you are a bit part, an extra, there to make them look good by your adoration.

It’s not healthy is it?

Is there a misdiagnosis going on here?

Is this person really a narc or just OP's interpretation? people who have relationships with narcs usually have low self esteem, low self confidence, no self love etc

Is this a friend, family or a partner? In my experience it is all manageable until the point where you are breaking up with them and they really really don't take it well. I would get out now.

You had an ex and the relationship was a “phone relationship”? Does this mean, you conducted your relationship over the phone?

Is OP’s interpretation

It’s not surprising that you have this dynamic, narcissists are often very charming people. It’s how they’re so good at manipulating you and others.

But if you stop supplying them with what they need, they will move on and find another ‘supply’ and that hurts. To a true Narcissist, people are expendable and a means to an end. They’re often easy to fall in love with but can often make you fall out of love with yourself.

This is it.

You either say no, assert necessary boundary and stop people pleasing. Or you continue to be abused and adapt accordingly.

When you say no and get a back bone, they'll go.

OP you sound trauma bonded and you are vulnerable. You might be Billy big balls. I am in many ways, but am incredibly vulnerable without realizing it. Raised in a fucked up narc family.

You don't ever let people treat you like that idiot. It's really cruel.

If you ever become vulnerable in a way where you are isolated, health struggles etc, this person will destroy you potentially.

They often do have a fun exciting side. It's all an act.

I managed narcs / sociopath behavior with a mother of mine and sibling. I'm not the same as them.

I have significant health challenges. As my health got worse, these people have become terrifying. I'm in long term therapy.

So do you really want this ghoul in your life waiting to pounce. These nut jobs scheme and plot and punish and lie pathologically. But charm and manipulate so well, you think, or you want to, try manage them so not to lose them. You never had them. It's an illusion. They certainly aren't spiritual if they're narcs. Total contradiction.

You simply can't.

The only way to have a functional relationship with a narc is behaving as if you were a narcissist yourself. So you take what is useful to you but don't get emotionally invested. And you have to be willing to cut them off as soon as the relationship no longer serves you.

Unfortunately, learning to treat people like this diminishes you as a human being and you have to be very careful it doesn't taint your dealings with anybody else. On the whole It's not worth it.

The person you are describing isn’t a narcissist.

If they add any value to your life then they are not a narcissist.

Likely, this is someone who is just demanding. There is a big difference.

Not worth it. They will hurt you in the end no matter how fun and lively they are on a night out. It's like saying 'how can I keep enjoying heroin without any of the side effects'

I suspect you’re dealing with someone who’s self-involved and a bit of a dick, rather than an actual narcissist. Especially as you’ve managed to be “close” for over ten years and still feel warm and fuzzy about them.

However, on the off chance that you’re right and this person is a narcissist - you don’t really know them at all. You provide something they want (adoration, ego boosts, some kind of material benefit, endless ‘understanding’ and forgiveness), and that’s why they want to keep you hooked. If they’re genuinely a narcissist, they’ll find someone they consider ‘better’ at some point and you’ll experience the other (real) side of them. Best approach is grey rock: be boring and hope they lose interest in you.

In your case, though, I think this person is just demanding…so working on your boundaries will probably do the trick.

This OP sounds in complete awe of this person. Almost a god like figure to them (spiritual nonsense). I hope you have some kind of support network looking out for you OP

The op says they “definitely” are so they absolutely must be, right?

and not just a twat who the OP is in awe of