How do you handle a narcissist you don't want to cut off

[Fragmentedbrain]

They add value to your life they're amazing people

But they don't know the boundaries

Cutting off isn't an option and I'm in a position where I can say no to their unreasonable demands but

Is the only way to go from here a parting? Or is there a way to get through?

If you’re not vulnerable

you’re very confused

“spiritual stimulation” my arse 😆

Thanks. It's stuff about expecting me to do things for them at the drop of a hat. I know the true answer is just say no and stop seeing them but this would really make me very sad.

I find it very hard to not be bored. Non boring experiences are hugely valuable to me

It's much better to find your own solutions to boredom than tolerate a prick for entertainment.

This is true.

wtf are you wanging on about Op?!

An egoist or a narcissist? Can you not tell them they are being an unreasonable ass and they need to do better?

I get where you’re coming from OP. My mother displays so many narcissistic traits, but whilst I don’t like her, I love her as she’s my mum, and is the centre of our entire family, so cutting her off isn’t something I could do without possibly losing contact with the rest of my family. I cope by being low contact, as in seeing her for a couple of hours every two weeks. I’ve also researched how to deal with it, and I find grey rock works well for me. I used to be very re-active to her drama, which seemed to make her behaviour towards me worsen, as she loved the re-action. I now just change the topic every time she tries to take me to that place, and I just show indifference to everything, so I think she’s bored now, and has switched to my sister.

Do you allow any interaction between your children and someone you know to have “so many narcissistic traits” out of interest?

This is exactly what im trying to work out in my head. Handling them in a way that doesn't create catastrophic ructions. It's almost like we can manage things because we see things more broadly than they do and it feels an unreasonable burden in a way but if I cut them off my life would be poorer for it.

Narcissists are never worth it. They are human leeches.

What you are describing is trauma bonding - feeling they are amazing, enlightened, unique, special and that the costs are worth bearing. They aren’t, they are just parasites and you’ve been groomed.

A true narcissist has a very nasty and cruel side, even if you don't see it often. Having been married to one and ended a friendship with one, I wouldn't entertain the idea of any kind of relationship again with one if I was paid. They only use people to serve their agenda. You're a commodity, not a human being, in their eyes.

It sounds like your friend might have some traits but I doubt they are an actual narcissist. They are extremely horrible people who soon turn cruel if you don't do want they want.

I love the fact that on the last thread you started about how you were pissed off that everyone in your life aside from your husband seem more interested in themselves than you and you want them to be interested in you more…. The consensus was you were the self absorbed one!

Also, if you get off on narcissistic energy and excitement/ danger - you are 100% vulnerable and probably have some sort of psychiatric condition. I speak from personal and professional experience - I do, I let/ kept someone like this in my life, it was a massive error and I regret it often. I’m sorry if that’s not nice to hear but it’s true.

Mentally healthy people without addiction, ADHD symptoms, abuse history, or psychiatric diagnoses do not enjoy the company of people who are exciting, exploitative, dangerous types.

There are so many fascinating, iconoclastic, intelligent, hilarious, stimulating individuals out there who bring something to your life without taking away from it. If you’re paying in some way - it’s not worth it, and they’ve done a number on you insinuating that it is.

100% this. I could not agree more.

To be honest I see what you mean but we've been close for over ten years and knowing them transformed my life for the better.

I know a proper adult needs to know when to let go and that's what I'd tell a friend.

But when they ask you to do something and you say No, what happens?

I do recognise what you're saying but I don't really think of my mental health as THAT outlandish. Who isn't depressed and anxious and a bit empty these days.

This narcissist has “transformed your life for the better”… how??

Completely relatable to me op. My mam is a narcissist. But she is good company (because she spins a good yarn, needs to be loved and is very clever). And I love her. Of course if I spend too much time assessing her and our relationship it is devastating. I love her. She doesn’t really know how to love. We are all but players in her game. Characters in the movie of her life. Does she enjoy our company? Or is she using us to meet her many and varied ends and feed her ego? I know the real answer. But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t taught myself to treat the night out as just a good night out. The hours I’m with her ARE fun and she IS engaging. I just accept that is it. No depth.

if I were to play two pints and a puppy with my mother- she’s two pints. (If you aren’t familiar with the concept- when you meet someone, ask yourself 1. Would I want to enjoy two pints with this person?
2, would I trust this person to look after my puppy for a week?
some people are yes and yes. These are good. Hold onto them. Treasure them.
some are yes and no. They are fun but not really trustable. enjoy the company expect no more.
some are no and yes- they are reliable but no fun. We need some of these people.
some are no and no- these ones are pointless.

IMO op narcissists if not directly spiteful (as they often are) are often two pints no puppy. (Indeed many bot narcissist but just common or garden variety selfish people are the same) Just treat them as such.

Today's incident they said "you know plenty of other people would do this for me." And has now stopped communication. Obviously it's only been a few hours but we are generally very close and they know the silent treatment upsets me.

Just need to woman up and spend my energies more wisely, I do know that in theory.

Not knowing how to love is exactly it. They once asked me to describe how love feels. They think doing kind things for people you love is somehow humiliating, I think, they don't get it.

💯 two pints no puppy

My children are now adults and hardly see her, usually just at important events like family birthdays. They did see her regularly when young but she was a lot cleverer back then at masking her narcissism and turning family members against each other. She’s a lot older now and it’s there for all to see. We all see it but she has a golden child who basks in all the positive attention he gets, so is quite okay with the status quo, and I have a sister who is a people pleaser. I find I’m able to cope ok with it now I’m low contact.

Do you not have other friends?