How do you handle a narcissist you don't want to cut off

[Fragmentedbrain]

They add value to your life they're amazing people

But they don't know the boundaries

Cutting off isn't an option and I'm in a position where I can say no to their unreasonable demands but

Is the only way to go from here a parting? Or is there a way to get through?

“Today's incident they said "you know plenty of other people would do this for me." And has now stopped communication. Obviously it's only been a few hours but we are generally very close and they know the silent treatment upsets me.
Just need to woman up and spend my energies more wisely, I do know that in theory.“

you need to put a barrier here. To acknowledge that MAYBE others would have, but you can’t (although it’s probably a manipulation tactic to make you perform in the manner they want) you need to separate the company from the burden. I have 2 narcissist people whom I love. But there isn’t a limit upon what they will take. What they will take is AS MUCH AS YOU GIVE. So despite the sense of obligation (I’m starting to suspect you were raised or encountered this type early on) you need to disconnect. Stop giving more than you can. Stop holding yourself responsible for their reaction (because they certainly don’t hold themself responsible for yours- right?) basically you have mirror them. It’s harder, because you really care. But ime you can adopt the necessary distance to maintain a relationship, but at the point you are comfortable.

Let another person do it then ffs stop trying to please this person.

The silent treatment is abuse.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm in the same position. Want to stay friends but not so intense due to constant boundaries being pushed

Well…carry on if you wish but this will eventually become a very toxic relationship. They take advantage…literally give them an inch….

I know what you mean. I have a sibling like this. Always trying to rope people into doing things for them. Is completely ungrateful. Bullies and manipulates to get their way. Doesn't ever pay you back. Is derogatory to their dp. Can be entertaining. But mostly best kept at the end of a very long imaginary stick.

I can tell when she's on a mission to manipulate me. It's like a sixth sense. You have to argue with her to get her to go away. But I'm absolutely not doing anything for her ever again.

My question is,

Why do you feel this sort of experience or relationship is all that you are worth?

Most people can obtain stimulation, excitement, entertainment, novelty, love, intimacy and what have you, from non-personality disordered individuals. If you see someone with a personality disorder as a vital element of your life … there is something wrong with your life.

I fell into a really damaging and utterly self absorbed belief that I was special because I could see this person’s exceptionality, and could uniquely apprciate this person’s psyche.

Big mistake. I wasn’t special for entertaining them or “understanding” them. I was cannon fodder. There is no reciprocity or empathy with a narcissist: they’re emotionally lobotomised.

if it’s a parent or sibling I am very sorry for you, because on top of the headfuckery that comes with dealing with a narcissist is the social narrative that parents and siblings look after and care for their family members. Some parents and siblings are incapable of that. Find the nice people in your wider family that you can relate to 😞

I think it's that they're a vibrant spark of a soul. They are a special person (I'm far from the only person who recognises this) and I feel they brighten up my life. But yes also they have harmed me and others badly with their selfishness.

This is an approach I can’t understand. Is this relationship all I am worth? No. No relationship defines my self worth, I am secure and happy in and of myself. Does every relationship I have, have to be 100% fulfilling? No. Of course not, that is not real life and I may expose my age here when I say, I am comfortable for many of the relationships in my life to many varieties of non perfect. Am I worth perfect? Maybe. But am I perfect? No. I don’t understand why narcissist is to be expunged, whereas anxiety / depressed is to be cared for- people have many and varied mental challenges/ personality disorders/ trauma. I really don’t understand why one means cut this shit off and the other means have empathy.

I can obtain stimulation excitement entertainment and novelty - if not love and intimacy (and I am not saying others couldn’t - narcissists are as varied as any other section of people) with a narcissist without feeling there is something wrong with my life. I have control of my life. It’s good. I am sorry you fell into a damaging cycle of belief and white knight syndrome- I get it. But that isn’t inevitable.

All this person is, is an actor.

@kittenkipping
No. I don’t understand why narcissist is to be expunged, whereas anxiety / depressed is to be cared for- people have many and varied mental challenges/ personality disorders/ trauma. I really don’t understand why one means cut this shit off and the other means have empathy.

Perhaps because a narcissist actively harms the people they interact with and are related to. It’s what their condition leads to them doing on purpose or doing through their actions. To Those they should but cannot love. And they remain unharmed. Whereas an anxious or depressed person may end up causing some worry and harm to their loved ones but none is intentional and almost always worst for them.

You’re looking for exceptionalism.

exeptional people are exceptionally draining, damaging and blood-sucking. They might be exceptionally talented but you’re never going to enjoy the fruits of their exceptionalism. Narcissists are very, very boring when you see them for what they are. They are singularly uninterested in anything you say, unless it can serve them in some way. How enlightened can a completely self-obsessed person actually be?!

Why not just enjoy normal folk who are quirky and interesting in their own way?

I mean, hang your hook on these special souls if you must, but unless they’re modern day Picassos or da Vincis, you’re literally just spaffing your energy and attention up the wall.

@kittenkipping the point with narcissists is that you always think you are getting something worthwhile from them, but in reality they are draining more away from you, than what they provide. Often they will destroy your lives if you let them. If you’ve never had dealings with someone with officially diagnosed NPD (usually after a spell in the clink) then it can be hard to see it for what it is. NPD is very undiagnosed, and usually only a custodial sentence will surface this diagnosis: it’s not one people wonder about and go and investigate to get closure ;)

No sensible mature people think relationships always have to be wholly positive and jolly. Relationships are messy, and sometimes they give with one hand and take away with the other - totally normal.

It’s when they start to suck out your time, attention and joy that you should take a step back.

You don't.

You GOSO with a narcissist. Get out and stay out.

Someone who occasionally brings a bit of excitement to your life is not worth the pain and misery that they will.add to it.

You may think you need them, but I reckon you're trauma bonded to them. You miss them when they're not there but they use and abuse you when they are.

Everything a narcissist does is fake and an act of manipulation, that benefits no one apart from themselves.

You are worthy of love, joy, peace and respect. A narcissist cannot give you that.

Get help OP.

You are attached to this person in an unhealthy way. A good therapist will help you see that this is detrimental to your MH.

This is very weird.

It is as though the OP almost glamorises the person for the very fact they are a narcissist. The Op almost seems… excited, stimulated by it.

And wanging on about spiritualism and vibrancy etc… it’s all a bit silly.

OP, get other friends. Or maybe just get a friend.

Tell me I’m not alone in both chuckling at this comment and also being a touch…. wtf?!

Do you rely on this person for anything other than excitement and stimulation?

Well, I think I learn a lot from them. And they have given me so much confidence and self love, actually. Not as an act of kindness on their part (obviously) just the dynamic that being with them creates. I can't entirely explain it. I suppose in part it must be because I feel validated by them including my in their life which I know is a bit fucked.

I got so anxious last night about it all and drank too much tequila and now I feel shit so that was silly.

I just need to reflect that I can't stop people leaving me if that's what they decide but hopefully it won't come to that if I draw reasonable boundaries.

@Fragmentedbrain if he is a narcissist there are no boundaries for you only for him. Everything will always be on his terms it is that simple and when things are not going his way or he cannot control things he will get nasty/bitter/give the silent treatment all until you are submissive again. Leave the situation now before it gets worse. Lived experience here.

do you live alone op?
do you have other friends? A partner?

I got so anxious last night about it all and drank too much tequila and now I feel shit so that was silly.

alone? And all because of this twat? And you say you aren’t vulnerable?

No not alone I was with friends I just went too far.

I'm not vulnerable damnit!!

Because they aren’t actually a narcissist. It’s just a buzz word for someone they dislike. MN is rife with it

You went too far because you were anxious about the twat? Even though you were with other friends?

do you live alone? Partner?

With the Op, I think she’s in awe and thinks there’s something a bit glam about a narcissist

when this is just a twat