To be angry at DH for putting cricket first?

[lookma1]

Hi,

Just a DH rant..
I’ve been unwell all day, thankfully a quiet day so I’ve been able to sit fairly undisturbed in the office without needing to let anyone down or go off sick although have got progressively worse all day and probably should have gone home. DH has known all day that I’ve been ill.

FIL has been at our house watching the children today so it was probably better I was at work anyway as children don’t leave me alone! DH has been working from home.

DH plays cricket very occasionally. He’d like it to be more but he never gets picked for the team. He was asked to play tonight after someone dropped out so they had to ask him. DH hasn’t asked me all day how I am and whether I’d be well enough to have the children and put them to bed tonight whilst he’s out for however long it takes. We have 2 DC (5 and 2). 5 year old is extremely difficult at the moment behaviour wise.

I was in for all of 5 minutes before he announced he was leaving. I suggested it was a bit selfish to put cricket before me and parenting to support me. He refused to stay at home to help with the children as cricket is something I know he likes, he doesn’t get to do it much and he feels as if I’m trying to take it away from him.

He rushed out of the house and his only offering was that he’d ring his dad to come back and put them to bed instead - his dad is 60, obviously had them all day and has had recent knee and hand operations so I said absolutely not. He also said if I was a single parent I’d have no choice but to just get on with things. He then started saying it would be a shame if he was to be poorly the day of an upcoming huge work course I’ve got on in a few months time which is both very important and a huge deal for my work that I’ve been picked to attend.

This isn’t the first time he’s been like this, he’s regularly put things he wants to do above needing to make a choice to put family first. In one occasion he had a day out drinking with friends planned. I was pregnant with our 2 year old and I came down with awful pelvic pain making it hard to walk. He had a big strop that I was ruining it, then went anyway rather than stay at home to help me with our toddler at the time.

AIBU to be really annoyed at him for this?

He’s shown you who he is more than once now. You either accept your place, or leave him.

I left, I don’t regret it

You picked the wrong man to have kids with. Nothing else to say really.

This is who he is. He won’t change. You have to make choices for yourself now, about the type of life you want.

He had the opportunity to be kind and he chose to threaten your career instead

Nice guy what a charmer

I would leave he doesn't value you doesn't even sound like he likes you

Take him on his word - it does sound like you would be better off as a single parent 🤷🏼‍♀️

Him going to cricket wouldn’t bother me as you say it rarely happens

But I would probably mix up the evening a bit, build an indoor camp bedtime thing in front room and put kids to bed in that with me and sleep when they slept and tell H not to disturb us on return

He sounds like a dick. He’s already decided he’s going to be ill when you go on your work course.

He’s literally compared you to a single parent. He said if you were single then you’d have to do it, and he thinks that’s reasonable because he sees you as a single parent; he sees you as the parent with the responsibility and the one who needs to sacrifice. A single parent. He won’t sacrifice, why would he when there is a full time parent to do that for him?

He thinks that was a reasonable comparison. Really consider what that means for how he thinks of you and the kids.

Maybe you should just be a single parent.

You say he never gets picked for cricket but they've had to ask him today because there's no one else, that says a lot really, he's not much good at cricket or parenting. He thinks you should manage alone because you could be a single parent - well he has a point Op, you could be a single parent and then he couldn't keep letting you down

He's not very good at cricket but has no trouble being a nasty bastard. I would say ok, I'm happy to give single parenthood a go, off you pop.

The horrid attitude he gave you is far worse than the fact he went. I can sort of understand him really not wanting to miss out on an opportunity to impress the coach but he should have been apologising, saying he’d make it up to you and generally being lovely. Instead he chose to be a cunt and threaten you.
Time to call his bluff on that one, OP.
Vile bully.

If the OP can't handle one night as a single parent she's hardy going to thrive as a full time one!

Personally, I think OP should offer to have the children so DH can have a (rare) night at cricket and DH should offer to miss cricket. Who takes the hit in the end I'm less sure of.

Speaking for myself, I'd want DH to play cricket and I'm sure I'd get the favour back before long.

"He also said if I was a single parent I’d have no choice but to just get on with things."
Begs the response, 'Don't tempt me.'

I would be making alternative childcare arrangements for the day of the work course. He clearly can’t be trusted.

This.

Absolutely get this is a rare opportunity for him. But he clearly has no respect for you.

At least if you’re permanently a single parent then you don’t expect the help. I think I would rather do it on my own and not deal with the inevitable hurt when my selfish partner prioritises a hobby over my health/well-being.

Usually I would be supportive of parents “tag teaming” and taking time for themselves, but OP is unwell. No further detail necessary.

Why not take DC to watch DH play cricket? Whilst his team is battling he can help out with DC while he waits his turn to bat. It sounds lovely me he only gets a game very occasionally so I'd accommodate it knowing DH would do that for me.

He also said if I was a single parent I’d have no choice but to just get on with things. He then started saying it would be a shame if he was to be poorly the day of an upcoming huge work course I’ve got on in a few months time which is both very important and a huge deal for my work that I’ve been picked to attend.

This is pretty sinister and controlling… threatening your career in revenge.

In one occasion he had a day out drinking with friends planned. I was pregnant with our 2 year old and I came down with awful pelvic pain making it hard to walk. He had a big strop that I was ruining it, then went anyway rather than stay at home to help me with our toddler at the time.

Unless this is a thing that you tend to do when you feel you need him there. Being honest, is there any hint that your illnesses start when he has something for himself lined up? Even if they are genuine, is it possible that he sees a pattern of you being ill when he has a ‘him time’ thing planned?

(I sometimes see a sort of competitive tiredness starting with my DH, which could just be my own perception to be fair, but if I’m struggling or fall ill chances are good that he’ll develop symptoms or exhaustion as well, so I sort of have to get over mine because he can’t pick up the slack, so I’m not saying this to have a go at you.)

If not, if he is just being self centred, then I would say he isn’t really a good partner and yes, when you are a single parent it’s easier than having a partner who’s not a partner or supportive- you can shed the expectations and stop being disappointed all the time.

This is absolutely my take on it. I think it’s not unreasonable to take an opportunity that doesn’t come up often and if you were able to survive at work, you could survive a bedtime. I would do this for my husband (and, crucially, he would absolutely do it for me too) His attitude is vile and that’s the issue - especially the vindictive ‘plans’ for the future (especially when yours isn’t even a fun thing but a work thing). I would be making my plans to be rid of him, personally.

Thank you everyone - it definitely is more of the attitude that has angered me more. I absolutely would have at least checked it was okay earlier in the day or checked in whilst I was there. I haven’t heard a thing from him. I usually check the online scorecard when he’s playing. His team are in bat now but he’s not even listed as a player like he usually is.

I didn’t really want to drip feed but this is only months on from him kissing someone else on a stag do abroad. A stag do where I had to take annual leave etc to facilitate him going, to be there for the children.

I’ve struggled on and got the children to bed, for the poster concerned I can’t manage.

I’m very weak and should be much stronger but here was me still thinking he might somehow show something different. More fool me really!

That is the best idea ever. Cricket involves lots of downtime. There will be plenty of empty nester ladies serving cake who would give their soul for a couple of hours with young kids.

...and the kids will love it too.

Agree Sports good for you, a nice hobby. Better than gambling or down the Pub.

God, chuck him out of his arse op.
You deserve soooo much better.

He's cheated on you.
He's selfish.
He doesn't care about you.

Why on earth would you want to stay with someone like this?

So is resting when you're sick, instead of having to soldier on because your cheating cunt of a husband threatens your career.

Leave if you can OP. He doesn't value you one bit.

Fucking hell. Where to start with that sexist drivel? Probably no point starting TBF. Oh and she’d infect everyone. Nice.

OP fuck him off. Kissing other women and threatening your work? He should be single.

Erm... I haven't read a single positive thing about him. He cheats. He threatens. He's selfish. He's uncaring. I mean he's just an all-around arsehole isn't he?

I really don't see what you are getting out of this at all - was he always this terrible or since having babies has he turned into a massive man baby?

I would honestly be considering my options. I really and truly would.