To be angry at DH for putting cricket first?

[lookma1]

Hi,

Just a DH rant..
I’ve been unwell all day, thankfully a quiet day so I’ve been able to sit fairly undisturbed in the office without needing to let anyone down or go off sick although have got progressively worse all day and probably should have gone home. DH has known all day that I’ve been ill.

FIL has been at our house watching the children today so it was probably better I was at work anyway as children don’t leave me alone! DH has been working from home.

DH plays cricket very occasionally. He’d like it to be more but he never gets picked for the team. He was asked to play tonight after someone dropped out so they had to ask him. DH hasn’t asked me all day how I am and whether I’d be well enough to have the children and put them to bed tonight whilst he’s out for however long it takes. We have 2 DC (5 and 2). 5 year old is extremely difficult at the moment behaviour wise.

I was in for all of 5 minutes before he announced he was leaving. I suggested it was a bit selfish to put cricket before me and parenting to support me. He refused to stay at home to help with the children as cricket is something I know he likes, he doesn’t get to do it much and he feels as if I’m trying to take it away from him.

He rushed out of the house and his only offering was that he’d ring his dad to come back and put them to bed instead - his dad is 60, obviously had them all day and has had recent knee and hand operations so I said absolutely not. He also said if I was a single parent I’d have no choice but to just get on with things. He then started saying it would be a shame if he was to be poorly the day of an upcoming huge work course I’ve got on in a few months time which is both very important and a huge deal for my work that I’ve been picked to attend.

This isn’t the first time he’s been like this, he’s regularly put things he wants to do above needing to make a choice to put family first. In one occasion he had a day out drinking with friends planned. I was pregnant with our 2 year old and I came down with awful pelvic pain making it hard to walk. He had a big strop that I was ruining it, then went anyway rather than stay at home to help me with our toddler at the time.

AIBU to be really annoyed at him for this?

I'd kick off big style.
You'll get a bunch of cool girls on here coming and saying they'd be fine and single parents cope every day..
But you aren't a single parent. I'm not a single parent. I expect my DH to bloody pull his weight and not swan off without consulting me as to whether he's needed or not.
I'd be absolutely apoplectic if my DH did what yours has just done.. and then tried to gaslight me into believing I'm being controlling or some shit.
Honestly I'd pack my bags and go and stay with a friend when he got back.
I have actually done that before a long time ago when my DH tried this nonsense.
Just left as soon as he got back and turned my phone off.
He had to call in sick to work coz I wasn't there to care for the kids.
But if he thinks he can just make plans without consulting me about whether I can have the kids then I will bloody well be doing the same thing back to him.
If you've got kids then you run your plans by your partner if it's going to mean that partner will be taking on solo childcare.
Don't let men get away with this shit. Just assuming you are the default parent and they are some type of bonus help or occasional babysitter. Fuck that.
My DH has never gone out without checking first with me whether I'm OK to look after the kids since that instance.
You need to be hardline about it. Find your anger.

Fucking hell. Where to start with that sexist drivel? Probably no point starting TBF. Oh and she’d infect everyone. Nice.

I presume the PP meant DH should take the kids to give the OP a night off. I very much doubt the PP meant the OP should start her Cricket career tonight when she's ill and for a male team.

...and it's a superb idea.

Kissed someone on a stag do did he? And the rest!

OP when someone shows you who they really are believe them. Is this how you want to live? He sounds so disrespectful.

“Why not take DC to watch DH…” Not “DH takes DC”. Quite obvious you’re wrong. And not just about that.

My bad. Misread the post.

Unlikely on a weekday evening game. Not many go along to watch a local club game, even at weekends. And if we do go, it is because we are watching our spouses or adult kids, not because we are wanting to look after someone else's. Since COVID, match teas don't seem to have come back to life at many clubs and again, definitely not on a weekday evening.

That is the mother of all drip feeds...

Without the update I probably would have wanted him to go to cricket if he doesn't often get the chance and DH probably felt that if you were well enough to be at work all day you're well enough to get the kids off to bed. So that bit doesnt bother me. However the way he has spoken to you is out of order.

Following the update I'm going to say he's not happy in the relationship and trying to find a way out. He's being an arsehole to you on purpose.

Wow being a single parent would be MUCH more fun than this!

Fuck him - he’s cheated on you and threatening to let you down.

You don’t deserve this.

I have a friend whose DH is always "ill" when she's got stuff on and he takes to his bed for days, refuses to help with the kids or do any family plans. He always seems to manage to work though. I can't believe she's still married to him, it's a massive ick.

Exactly! Don’t threaten me with a good time! What an unbearable knob, he’s shown his true colours this is never going to get better…

Why do you expect him to be a decent person when he has shown you his true colours on more than one occasion? This is who he is.

You need to lower your expectations if you intend on staying or get used to him disappointing you ad nauseum. Better still, rather than sink to his level, let him have the single life he so clearly craves.

Having now seen the update about him cheating, I’d let him go to cricket and stay there. Bastard. He won’t improve and you’ll be happier without him.

Going against the grain but I do think it was fair enough that he went to cricket. You’ve been well enough to go to work and you could’ve kept the five year old up till he got home.

Is there a pattern of you being ill when he has something on that he wants to do?

But having seen your update, I’m not all surprised that you’re quite rightly pissed off with him.

He cheated, he's not interested in your wellbeing, he threatens your work achievements, sneers about the likelihood of you becoming a single parent, clearly has no regard for his own children (at least not from what I can gauge from your post), and to top it off, he's bloody shite at cricket!

I suspect you're not going to leave him, but I hope you do because you deserve a lot more.

If this was a weekly sporting commitment, I’d agree with you but by the sounds of it, he rarely gets picked and would probably ruin his chances of being picked in the future if he let the team down at the last minute on the rare occasion he was picked. The way he spoke to you was not ok and it is pretty crappy of him to bring up single parenting and your work course. I suspect it was his half arse attempt at trying to find an example of something that’s important to you and he will have to step up for but it was a nasty way of doing it.

I think him wanting to play cricket isn’t that bad and wouldn’t bother me so much. I can understand him wanting to take the opportunity to play if he’s not picked much and arguably you were well enough to work all day.

However, the way he spoke to you when challenged and the threats regarding your course are awful OP!

there is no sign at all he’d return the favour. Does your response allow for the fact the op is unwell?

If a friend of yours with young children messaged to say she’s seething and stressed as she’s ill and on her own with the kids because her dh is at cricket, would you say cheerily you should definitely take your unwell self off to the cricket with the 2 & 5yo, that will be easy and fun!

No I don’t have a history of being unwell when he has something to do.

I didn’t mention the stag do bit at first because I dislike myself enough for staying and it feels rubbish to be so much of a doormat. I know where I’d be happier - the house is never as clean and tidy as when he’s not here, but the idea of it terrifies me.

He’s come in and thrust some chocolate and Lucozade at me ‘if I want it’ but not even an apology or anything for how he spoke. You’re all right of course for how little regard he has for me.

Cricket with children ages 2 and 5 is not fun at all by the way, tried it!

One wants to run off one way and the other wants to run off the other and there isn’t much allowed space for them to run/they don’t understand you can’t just run on that great giant field in front of you. Have tried toys and books but 2 year old especially couldn’t fixate for that long.

He only plays for this team because one of their players is the dad of our 5 year old’s good friend who he went to nursery with.
He only had 1 game out of the whole season last year and this is maybe his 2nd this season.

He’s been looking at moving cricket clubs to somewhere else and always says how he’s annoyed at them/is finished with them because they never pick him. They’re an established team and whilst they’re all really bad on the whole, it’s the cliquey, who goes to the cricket club regularly to socialise who gets picked.

Arsehole.

Haven’t read the responses, but pretty confident you should show him them all.

He’s a cunt but you know that.

Now read your updates - chuck him back. A bad catch.

The absolute audacity. He is not the prince he thinks he is.