To struggle with teens on holiday.

[southbridgecanoe]

Urgh. On a lovely holiday that we all really needed. Teen happy to go, even planned some of it.

Day 3. Hates it. Hates people, going and getting food, it’s boring, didn’t want to come, hates us for making them, nothing to do etc (all fairly untrue but stuck in negative thought process). Won’t leave the room now (fine) - but is moaning about us doing stuff without them and being bored - but won’t come and do anything either.

I'm not doing any more holidays. Always ends up like this and I’m fed up of trying lots of things (that they ask for!) and getting it thrown back in my face like we’ve forced them. Going to save the money and enjoy adult only holidays in a few years time instead.

got 11 more days to go 🤦‍♀️

I agree. And so many posters seem to accept being spoken to rudely or dismissively. Ours know the phone is gone if they try anything like that. Happy to give them their own choices/bits of independence etc. on holiday. Not everyone likes the same thing and we are happy to accommodate what everyone wants most of the time.

But it is all about being reasonable, and being spoken to like sh1t and enduring bad behaviour "because they're teens" is not reasonable. Respect is not a dirty word. But then, I'm a teacher and I see teens who have been allowed to rule the roost at home on a very regular basis.

Hi I have 4 teenager/young adults, my advice is to only ever do a weeks holiday, I actually think 6 days is our limit.

How old is he?

His behaviour is NOT acceptable and there needs to be consequences.

I'd have a very stern word with him about his attitude and that if it doesnt improve XYZ will happen. He might be a teenager but being rude is not acceptable at all.

I'd tell him that next year you're booking him into a residential care home as a helper for 2 weeks whilst you go on holiday without him!!

I'm taking my teenager backpacking round France! He wont have much time to be grumpy!!

We have good holidays with our teens (18 and 16 now)… but a few years ago we changed our expectations. DH and I let them know what we are planning to do the next day, they can choose whether or not to join. They are also welcome to suggest activities and we will do our best to make those happen and join in. Always welcome but very relaxed if they’d rather chill. We all have dinner together however the day pans out. We don’t worry about whether they are wasting their day or not as DH and I are having fun regardless and we have fun hanging out in the evening with dinner, card games etc.
As long as I keep my expectations to what DH and I want to do, then it seems to create a happy balance.

It's not up to you to manage their emotions. It's not up to you to make it better, to make them like it, to change what's on offer so they are happy.

Tell them what's happening today, they either join or stay home - stay home? OK see you later!

Do it.

We've had more success with doing type holidays, but as long as DD(15) comes on some of the excursions, we don't sweat the small stuff so she can sit and fester in the room if she wants to while the rest of us go to the beach. I insist we eat together and do some stuff as a family, and won't tolerate rudeness, but let them do what they want much of the time.

It's all swings and roundabouts, isn't it? We're staying somewhere at the moment which has a family with really young children next door, and they are up at the crack of dawn every day and one of them has a tin whistle - and I quite like my teens at the moment!

Mine decided they didn’t want to go with us and I totally shocked them, by saying ok, you two can stay here!.
Saved me putting the cat and dog in kennels.
Horrified them, by giving them a list of things they needed to do, like their own washing, cleaning their rooms, shopping for food, cutting the grass.
I did return home to a spotless house, but, I then found out they had cleared the kitchen of cutlery and plates….
Two of everything was all in one cupboard and my furniture had been rearranged, to accommodate their poker night with their friends.
Annoying, but a small price to pay for a quiet holiday!.

What age is DC?

Our teens really like holidays, luckily, but it’s been hard at times because of the old adage that says something like ‘when you travel you take the problems with you’. All family members! Eg MH issues, family dynamics, break-ups, friendship and school problems.

My daughter was terrible when we went on a “relaxing” sun holiday. She was 13, and just the two of us. She had chosen the hotel, but endlessly complained she was bored, but didn’t want to do any of the many activities I suggested. Other than occasionally playing cards (I did insist on some interaction when we went for dinner) she was rude, wouldn’t engage and barely spoke to me (she said we live together at home, so now we have nothing left to say to each other!!).

When planning another trip to a sunny destination the following year I asked what she wanted out of the holiday to make it better and more enjoyable for her than the last. She looked at me like I was crazy, said she’d loved the previous trip and would love to go back there… 🤦🏻‍♀️

it is a phase you have to get through… She will willingly now volunteer that she was awful, and we laugh about it. We did go back to the same place, and had a lovely time, though she still had her moments.

For what it’s worth, they also get very self-conscious at that age, and she didn’t like being surrounded by lots of people she didn’t know. We got a different type of room the next trip where (if we weren’t going out) I could sit in a lounger near a pool, and she could sit on a bed just outside the room, but we could see each other and be close enough to have a chat if we wanted to. That made a big difference as she wasn’t just sat in a hotel room on her own.

I'd just say 'right' and enjoy myself and leave them to it

Stop tying yourself up in knots and have a good time

My parents famously recount a tour of Italy we did when I was 14 - Pompeii?? 'a pile of rocks' according to me

😂

They have two choices for the rest of the holiday - come out with you and be pleasant company, or sit in their room/stay in the accommodation and do their own thing.

Those are the options. It's not an option to come out and ruin it for everyone else.

Totally sympathise- 12-17 years as quite honestly miserable with the teens. We gave up for a while. It does get better again though! Now they are older we tell them to hate we are doing and they can choose to come or not. This year both came (late teens/ early twenties) and had a lovely time

This!. My kid would be told quite clearly to stop being an ungrateful little shit, and they can be miserable and not enjoy themselves but they are not ruining my holiday. So they can shut up and put up. I would be bloody furious.

How old is your teen OP? I totally get your frustration - I think any of us who've taken teens on holiday have had times like this. DH and I now leave ours at the hotel/apartment if they don't want to do things. We tell them how long we'll be gone, give them the option to come, but if they don't want to we leave them behind and it's really rather nice! Sometimes they say they regret not coming with us, but I'm not going to have my holiday ruined by teenagers being arsey. And coming and then ruining it for everyone is not an option - you come, you need to be civil and pleasant.

You don’t need to accept this just because they’re a teen. Not all teens are vile and ungrateful.

Sit them down and point out their entitled and ungrateful attitude and tell them there’s consequences for that. Maybe a reality check for them that not every child gets a holiday and they should be ashamed of their attitude. You don’t have to accept this op.

Suffering here with an ungrateful teen too who has come off a holiday with her dad straight to a holiday with me and she’s so bloody miserable and wants everything her own way. Won’t do things but jealous if you get brother if we do something without her. It’s making me not want to come away again.

I wouldn’t mind the not joining in, I’d leave them to stay in the room. it’s the moaning that you’re also not staying in there! What’s that about? What’s the point in the holiday if everyone stays in the room!?

They sound a little spoilt and entitled? I’ve had teens, now young adults and we still holiday together, always have done and they’re a joy! It’s not fair to say it’s a teen thing as teens I know are not like this

Exactly this! This sort of behaviour should have been curbed when it first showed itself and not now when a teen. The hard work of parenting with discipline and boundaries need to be done in the first ten years. My friends made fun of me for being firm and insisting on manners, good behaviour, respect and not letting bad behaviour slide…called me the Major General…but now I have kind, respectful and polite, generous, well mannered young adults who are a pleasure to take anywhere in the world…sadly, most of their kids are not so who’s laughing now?!

It's just me and my teenager here, so we pick the holidays we go on together, so they are always places she approves of.

And basically I don't ask a lot of her, she can be on her phone pretty much whenever, she can sleep late, I probably spoil her a bit with food/money etc. She's a really good girl who works hard all year, and it's her holiday too! Because of this, we tend to get on really well. She does need some emotional space tho, we both do. Currently we are sitting in a pub, both on our phones, happily chilling..... Haven't spoken much to each other in the last half hour.....

I appreciate it's much easier as it's just me and her - much harder if you have more adults and kids to consider. My generally sweet natured girl bitches a lot to me about the holidays she is taken on by her dad, his partner, her kids and sometimes other extended family members!

(At the risk of sounding judgemental, I do think it sounds like exh's gf makes it harder on herself by doing lots of "organised fun", banning all the teens present from their phones for big chunks of time etc. I mean, it's her choice ultimately, and i know many on here would see that as good parenting and think I am way too lax, but i just think, is it really a hill worth dying on....)

However OP, despite my general laissez faire attitude I do think it sounds like your teen is taking it too far by being actively rude to you. I have no doubt DD makes her dislike for her blended family holidays clear via her resting bitch face, but she wouldn't be actively verbally rude to XH and partber when they are paying to take her away.

Your teen doesn't have to pretend to enjoy it, but he shouldn't actively ruin it for everyone else - that's just unnecessary in my opinion .

I’m on holiday with two teenagers by myself. It’s hardwork, they have there moments when they are awful but also moments when they are both angels. I would still do it again ad I think they both benefit hugely from it.

I disagree with towing a hardline and removing phones or telling them they are ungrateful because I think overall it just creates more conflict, you can’t force them to enjoy it but you can modify it. If someone wants to stay in there room all day or not go to the pool then fine.

Nope, never had this with my now 15 year old. We discuss what we want to do, ensure that everyone is catered for and we all do everything together, I’m not taking my child away to an amazing county to have her fester in her room (and thankfully she doesn’t want to), she is happy to join in and we all holiday well together. I have a 12 and 10 year old as well and I make sure everyone dies a bit if what they want.

i just don’t accept being spoken to with no respect.

Well don't you just feel smug and superior over the rest of us then @Iwishicouldflyhigh?

not smug, but justified that I’ve got hard boundaries that I’ve stuck to, strict parenting is tough, but reading these sort of threads make me so thankful that we’ve done so.

i really hate the generalisation that teens are vile, rude, grunty.

mine isn’t and nor are any of her friends.

You've just managed to out-smuggify your previous smug post, top work there