WIBU to split finances with DH?

[Chipoltatas]

DH and I are very happy and very much in love. But, he's disorganised and bad with money and I'm sick of paying for it.

I earn £150,000-£180,000 (depending on bonus) in a private sector job - I salary sacrifice down to £100,000. He earns just over £50,000 in the public sector. Overall, we take home around £7300 each month.

We have no plans to split (as I said, very happy together) but, if we do, we both agree that we keep our own pensions and do 50/50 with the DCs, 50/50 on the house, etc. There's no conflict on what we think is fair (right now).

We have always had joint finances. We were students when we met so simply never had separate finances. But, I'm increasingly getting extremely frustrated with paying for things through his disorganisation, lack of care or stupidity.

Examples include:

1. Speeding tickets/fines or parking tickets;
2. Forgetting to cancel free trials or subscriptions he doesn't use;
3. Forgetting to return things he's bought that are the wrong size or he doesn't like;
4. Not reading descriptions so buying/booking/paying for the wrong thing;
5. Only getting one quote for a tradesman or mechanic (or similar) and massively overpaying;
6. Breaking things (glasses, plates, door handles, windows, etc);
7. Not looking after things (leaving lids off paint so it dries out and not washing brushes so new paint and brushes needed every time we touch up);
8. Not booking things until the last minute (hotels, campsites, dog grooming, kennels, etc) so we can't get a good deal;
9. Missing deadlines and getting late fees;
10. Not clearing his credit card and getting charged 25% interest while the money sits in his current account;
11. Not checking reviews and/or getting scammed.

I feel as though, because I tend to "manage" our finances, he buys what he wants and doesn't care about wasting money because I'm the one who sees how much it all adds up to and I'll then respond by tightening my belt while he just carries on. For example, I've bought one pair of shoes in the past two years and he's got eight pairs of work shoes! He also bought two pairs of trainers that he won't wear and doesn't like now they've arrived.

We have had several discussions but he just doesn't think before he does things. I feel as though I'm poor when I bloody shouldn't be!

There's nothing wrong with that at all. DH and I were similar in that we had very different approaches to money. Our way of doing it is to have a joint account that we both contribute to (in proportion to our wages) and otherwise separate accounts for our "personal" spending. It works well. Obviously one of us would never be going without while the other was not, but it means we don't need to be concerned about our day to day spending and whether we agree on it. I earn more and end up paying for more stuff which - after 15 years together - is fine with me. If I think things are getting unbalanced or transfer a contribution (I tend to manage both our finances - mutually agreed).

I was the main earner @Chipoltatasand the resentment over how little my ex respected money (and me) festered. He had none of the qualities that your chap has though so you are very lucky in that respect. I’d sit him down explain that spending money will now be personalised and anything not family/household realises come out of own accounts. He won’t ever learn the value of money otherwise. It’s crazy how you’ve haven’t had a holiday or bought yourself something with such a large monthly income and you need to address that ASAP

Does he have dyspraxia and possibly ADHd for being so careless and unaware of his physical surroundings.

It would drive me crazy and I wouldn’t be subsidising his lack of attention.

I wish I’d read this thread at the time
as he sounds really similar to my DP although maybe not quite as much of the amazing qualities. He is very practical and is a great cook though, and extremely loyal, so maybe I do him a disservice! He has always been bad with money and it frustrates me just how much he wastes: speeding fines go unpaid until he has to pay 3 times the amount, he has to have the most expensive equipment for his current hobby then he changes hobby, so much food gets thrown away because he buys too much and lets it go out of date, he doesn’t return things, he has no issue with throwing things of value away or breaking things, every example you gave I can relate to!

I do earn more than him too but we have always had separate accounts and he transfers his portion of the shared bills. In the past this has meant he was always getting in a mess with his money, constant bank charges for missing payments, not being able to afford to transfer bills money, needing to get out payday loans with huge interest rates that he then couldn’t pay back, asking for money for petrol to get to work etc! There’s been a lot of resentment because it felt like nothing I said made any difference. I did have to help him out at times to stop things escalating so it still impacted on me yet he continued to spend money on himself and waste money so it felt really selfish and disrespectful.

We did try putting our money together and me managing it all for a few months and it was even more stressful - I don’t know how you do this without having a breakdown!

Currently the situation is that he’s agreed not to get anymore loans but he’s constantly at the end of his overdraft. He has no pension or savings which I struggle with as I feel like it’s all on me. We have a child together and I’d like him to take some responsibility for thinking about the future! As we have separate accounts I’m able to save a lot now (I’m used to rarely spending money on myself as a response to his attitude - I also struggle to throw things away!) so financially I’m fine but we don’t feel like a team! I think DP does probably have undiagnosed ADHD, knowing what I do about his childhood, but that’s not an excuse.

I’d love to know if you’ve worked out a way to improve things! I can’t see my DPs attitude to money ever changing tbh! Does it not bother you the impact that it has on your children? We have always still gone on holidays, prob cos my DP also prioritises spending money on holidays even if he can’t afford it, but things like work on the house do get neglected cos I’d have to pay for it all myself and it doesn’t feel fair.

He also constantly puts the hot water on for a bath, forgets to have a bath, and forgets to turn the hot water off all night!

As someone with ADHD what would work best for me if I were bad with finances would be to have very regular catch ups about it.

I would honestly spend a weekend tackling the mess together and then on something like having it as catch up over dinner. The focus would be on him dealing with admin such as paying the speeding fine having to make a case for spending £x when he hasn’t got the money.

One of those money apps when you have different pots for different things that he shows you.

I don’t mean take on the mental load for his money but to make him stop and focus on it and then take action. Hopefully it will help build a better habit in him and it means that any lying/dishonesty can be separated out from genuinely struggling to manage.

The hot water - suggest he sets a timer for when to turn it back off.

Ultimately I can see how these things would become a deal breaker though.

He is responsible for stopping, taking accountability and finding things to help himself function better. There is plenty of resources out there for those with ND conditions to manage their own life better.

He probably finds it all very overwhelming and then just ignores as a way to cope.

@Chipoltatas You are de-railing your own thread by going into detail about your earnings, salary sacrifice etc. Stick to the point - how to deal with DH.

He has so many amazingly good qualities - it would be absolute madness to even think of dumping him. Just read a few threads on here about how awful the dating scene is, and count your blessings.

So, taking it as a given that you won't be splitting up, the question is how to change things.
You can't change HIM - it doesn't work. He won't change.

So you have to find a way to work around him and live without resentment.
That basically means separate finances.

First, set it up so that you both get paid into your own personal accounts.
Have a joint current account for direct debits and bills, household shopping, and anything to do with children. From the joint account, set up a generous transfer to joint savings for holidays, Xmas, and major household purchases - make sure this is a comfortably large amount each month.
Agree how much you will both pay into the joint current, to cover the amount that goes out, paying proportionally and leaving you both with similar left in your personal accounts.

Make it quite clear to him that the joint current and savings accounts are not to be abused - anything he buys that is not strictly for household or child essentials he has to pay for from his own account. Plus anything for the house or children he breaks or wastes (like the wasted meat and child car seat) he has to pay extra into the joint account to pay for, or replace from his personal account.

If he abuses this, take away his debit card for the joint (you will have to do all the shopping).
If he refuses to pay extra into the joint for wastage/damage, reduce what you pay in to match the amount. This will likely mean then topping up the joint current from the joint savings for that month, and if it happens a lot then having a cheaper Xmas/holiday, unless you freely decide that you will pay extra for Xmas/holiday from your own money (that is your choice).

Then leave him to mis-manage his subscriptions and fines - wash your hands of managing his personal account.
Don't bail him out if he goes overdrawn.