WIBU to split finances with DH?

[Chipoltatas]

DH and I are very happy and very much in love. But, he's disorganised and bad with money and I'm sick of paying for it.

I earn £150,000-£180,000 (depending on bonus) in a private sector job - I salary sacrifice down to £100,000. He earns just over £50,000 in the public sector. Overall, we take home around £7300 each month.

We have no plans to split (as I said, very happy together) but, if we do, we both agree that we keep our own pensions and do 50/50 with the DCs, 50/50 on the house, etc. There's no conflict on what we think is fair (right now).

We have always had joint finances. We were students when we met so simply never had separate finances. But, I'm increasingly getting extremely frustrated with paying for things through his disorganisation, lack of care or stupidity.

Examples include:

1. Speeding tickets/fines or parking tickets;
2. Forgetting to cancel free trials or subscriptions he doesn't use;
3. Forgetting to return things he's bought that are the wrong size or he doesn't like;
4. Not reading descriptions so buying/booking/paying for the wrong thing;
5. Only getting one quote for a tradesman or mechanic (or similar) and massively overpaying;
6. Breaking things (glasses, plates, door handles, windows, etc);
7. Not looking after things (leaving lids off paint so it dries out and not washing brushes so new paint and brushes needed every time we touch up);
8. Not booking things until the last minute (hotels, campsites, dog grooming, kennels, etc) so we can't get a good deal;
9. Missing deadlines and getting late fees;
10. Not clearing his credit card and getting charged 25% interest while the money sits in his current account;
11. Not checking reviews and/or getting scammed.

I feel as though, because I tend to "manage" our finances, he buys what he wants and doesn't care about wasting money because I'm the one who sees how much it all adds up to and I'll then respond by tightening my belt while he just carries on. For example, I've bought one pair of shoes in the past two years and he's got eight pairs of work shoes! He also bought two pairs of trainers that he won't wear and doesn't like now they've arrived.

We have had several discussions but he just doesn't think before he does things. I feel as though I'm poor when I bloody shouldn't be!

I'm honestly not following.

As you've said, he's not managing it at all right now so you want me, who is managing it entirely on my own, to be more involved.

Do you not see how that advice isn't actually possible to follow?

Like I said, I'm not prepared to do absolutely everything. That's obviously not how adults behave. If I became the kind of wife who had to put up every shelf, load the car every time, document every purchase DH makes then I'd want to divorce myself!

He isn’t being careful with money as he doesn’t give a shit!! He’s not earning most of it so why should he🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ what’s his is his and what’s yours is also his. You need to have half his wages coming into the joint account for bills and half yours and not have bank cards for them AT ALL so that account is bills only. Separate accounts for everything else. He breaks something/signs up for something etc he uses HIS account to pay for it!! Make it very clear to him that this is what will happen and when he runs out of money DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY OF YOURS!!! He needs to learn consequences like a child!!!

Sounds a bit like you’ve married Frank Spencer!

What is he good at, OP? Does he make you feel cared for, safe, that you can rely on him?

I had to google who Frank Spencer is - I've not seen the show but the facial expressions on Google images tell me all I need to know.

He's great - honestly.

He's very smart, very interesting, very witty, very charming. I've never known anyone not like him. He's professionally successful (his job doesn't involve money haha). He's kind, he's understanding, he's empathetic, he's not quick to anger. He has no big "flaws" - he's not a drinker or a smoker or a drug user or a gambler, he doesn't have a temper and he's not a womaniser. He's good looking and he's aging gorgeously (whereas I'm aging like a bunch of bananas). He has good hygiene and he dresses well. He's a very good and involved husband and father. He's active, sporty, sociable, has hobbies and friends... My family love him and he loves them - he's especially great with my mum (who has cancer and has needed us a lot). He buys thoughtful gifts and remembers birthdays/anniversaries/etc. I know I can trust him with anything, I could check every message he's ever sent and wouldn't find anything to worry about - he's completely honest and loyal. He's a fantastic person and I'm very lucky.

But, he wastes money... and he bites his nails.

Op you need to do what lots have people have suggested and stop having fully shared finances. Have a joint for bills etc and then separate holiday/house fund, then each a personal spending account. He needs to use personal spending account for all his crap. When he runs out tough. If he breaks things then he replaces them out of his money.
Surely you can see you are enabling him. If you divorced him I’m sure he’d suddenly manage to sort this out! It’s like teenagers who spend all their money and will happily waste the parents as seem to have no concept of value of money so leave every light on, run a fan and heater, waste water, walk round the house in dirty shoes etc etc - until they get their own place…and pay their own bills, and face consequences of their own stupidity… Most teenagers learn the value of money through independent living but it sounds like he’s just got a mummy bank
You have let him stay as like a teenager and that would give me a massive ick and it sounds like it does you too. Honestly I’d sort it as when he’s 50 will you still really want this life? And at 60? So your retirement plan will be he spends all the money and you get nothing…

You're right. This is exactly it and I'm glad people don't think IABU to want to do this. And yes - exactly like a teenager!

Can we clone him? Haha. Aside from the financials, he sounds great.

He really is great. Even when I'm annoyed at him for wasting money he's all "you're right, I'm sorry, I should be more careful..."... He can't even let me be annoyed with him without being all decent and rational and understanding.

I can't even tell you how often I hear "you're so lucky to have him", "does he have a brother?", "wish mine would do cooking/cleaning/whatever".

I agree with the comment of easy come, easy to. He has no incentive to change because money is always there to cover all these mistakes. As you know, it takes a lot of energy to manage these things, to plan the meals, do the returns, track the subscriptions, etc and he is being lazy or blasé about it because he knows there is enough money so he doesn’t have to worry about the admin of it. I would definitely split your finances. Once he sees how much (or little) is left at the end of the month, then he will think twice and put more effort into planning for things. Just be careful that he doesn’t start asking you to cover his expenses anyway.

I agree with @AgentJohnson and @HenDoNot .

Women are remarkably adept at being very much in love with incompetent partners. @Chipoltatas , I think you'll find he's as much a user as his mother. You're bringing in the big bucks, so he doesn't need to bother himself with adulting.

How icky ☹️.

Split the finances, you earn over 100k and dont ever treat yourself, give your head a wobble.
Do your household budget, each pay a % as per your salary into joint acc making sure you have equal amounts left in person account. He's needs to be made accountable for his reckless spending

He's extremely careless and you've enabled that with your financial setup. You've taken the place of his dad funding all his accidents and breakages and tickets and missed deadlines and expirations such. Take the previous suggestions about separating finances because he's going to have to be feeling some of the financial pain and even then, he still probably won't change.

He's financially incompetent frittering away money and it's past time to stop enabling that.

You two might be financially incompatible. Try the things people have suggested. He expects someone else to do his thinking for him and until the real cost of that hits home, he's just going to be pissing money away like water. He might still be that way but at least you won't be enabling his incompetence.

I think the fact that he's so professional, competent and good at the rest of his life makes it worse tbh. It means he's choosing to be reckless with money and possessions. Because he doesn't give a shit as he doesn't earn it, and thinks nothing of literally throwing away money that you have worked hard for.

Thank you. It just gets me down.

We haven't had a holiday since before DS was born (not since 2017). I keep saying I'd like us to both take a day (with DD in nursery and DS at school) and go to a spa (or something) and for lunch but we never have the money. I get my clothes primarily from primark or supermarkets. I haven't had a new phone or laptop since 2020 - and still using the smashed iMac. DH does my hair (he's actually pretty good) because we can't afford for me to get it done professionally - I do my own nails and brows and tan.

All fairly petty stuff - but I feel so resentful when, in the space of a few days, he's got a speeding ticket and broken DD's car seat and paid £7 for a magazine subscription he didn't cancel and ruined a £20 cardigan. If he'd been more careful, that's enough for our spa day!

If they share finances in one pot its not just Ops money, it’s his money as well

Time to seperate out money a bit.
From that one account you pay the bills and food. Then by standing order a set amount is transferred to a spending account each
Anyhting left is scooped into a savings account for big purchases and agreed expenses

That would get me down too, it's not right. To put it into context, our household income is 130kpa, we have our finances set up as per my suggestion, we have £1100 each to do as we like, spend, save or whatever. We are having 2 foreign family holidays and a foreign city break per year, and we have 2 DC. I spend my personal on hair, nails, brows, clothes and save a good amount too. Me and DH have the same attitude towards money.
Being financially incompatible will ruin your marriage.

He must be wasting thousands if you can’t afford a holiday or better than Primark clothes with that household income. But are you sure he’s earning as much as you think as unless your bonus is a big chunk of your salary proportionally, your take home looks low?

It would make me want to cry, tbh. I'd be so resentful I'd struggle to look at him, so it wouldn't matter how good looking he was, I'd just want to punch him.

It's outrageous he spends so much more than you, and that you're on a fantastic salary and have no money. That's really awful. It's so unkind of him. I'm sure he's kind in that he'll make you a cup of tea if you're tired, but doesn't he ever notice all his shoes and then look at yours? It's as though he doesn't see you.

Have you ever gone through a month's statements and shown him what you put in and what he has taken out, compared to what you've spent?

I wonder if his kindness will still be there later when you're feeling menopausal and murderous, so want to divorce him, and then he has to face the fact your pension will be so much higher?

Get a new bank account for your salary. Joint for bills.
Give him an allowance.

Sorry but I’m fascinated how one salary sacrifices £50-80,000 per year? In my NHS world salary sacrifice buys you bikes and white goods.

Totally agree with everyone that you need an equal personal amount to spend or save individually each month and the rest after bills, food, house and child expenses goes in joint savings.

But also is there room to reduce that salary sacrifice of more than most people earn, even after tax that would cover a few holidays surely!

This is pretty much how I feel. I think his lack of financial awareness means that he simply doesn't recognise that it's not a choice. He buys shoes and thinks I'll buy shoes if I want/need shoes. I've explained that his behaviour is stopping me buying shoes but he says that he wouldn't ever stop me buying things. He doesn't really seem to follow the cause and effect between him not being careful about where he puts mugs and me not being able to afford nicer clothes. Even when he acknowledges that cause and effect, it's not in his mind when he next decides to put the mug down somewhere that he knocks it and smashes it.

We've both discussed that we'll keep our own pensions if we split. His (public sector) job has a defined benefit pension so he wouldn't want me going after his either.

Fuck me you earn £180k a year and have bought one pair of shoes in 2 years!!!!

I pretty much just take unpaid leave or put it into my pension.

Ironically, if we reduce the salary sacrifice, we'd be worse off. We'd lose the 30 free hours and tax-free childcare. From each £1 over £100,000 that I earn, I lose 88p in deductions (tax, student loans, national insurance, basic pension contributions...). The 30 free hours and tax-free childcare saves us over £1200 each month. So, I'd have to earn over £200,000 (which I don't) just to break even on taking home £100,000.

A separation of finances will be an eye opener for him as to how much he leeches off you.

So please don’t bank on him being all “we won’t go after each others pensions if we split” once he’s having to shell out and cover his own apparent clumsiness and financial mismanagement, and he can’t afford his 8 pairs of work shoes and 2 brand new pairs of trainers that he doesn’t wear because he now doesn’t like them 🙄