WIBU to split finances with DH?

[Chipoltatas]

DH and I are very happy and very much in love. But, he's disorganised and bad with money and I'm sick of paying for it.

I earn £150,000-£180,000 (depending on bonus) in a private sector job - I salary sacrifice down to £100,000. He earns just over £50,000 in the public sector. Overall, we take home around £7300 each month.

We have no plans to split (as I said, very happy together) but, if we do, we both agree that we keep our own pensions and do 50/50 with the DCs, 50/50 on the house, etc. There's no conflict on what we think is fair (right now).

We have always had joint finances. We were students when we met so simply never had separate finances. But, I'm increasingly getting extremely frustrated with paying for things through his disorganisation, lack of care or stupidity.

Examples include:

1. Speeding tickets/fines or parking tickets;
2. Forgetting to cancel free trials or subscriptions he doesn't use;
3. Forgetting to return things he's bought that are the wrong size or he doesn't like;
4. Not reading descriptions so buying/booking/paying for the wrong thing;
5. Only getting one quote for a tradesman or mechanic (or similar) and massively overpaying;
6. Breaking things (glasses, plates, door handles, windows, etc);
7. Not looking after things (leaving lids off paint so it dries out and not washing brushes so new paint and brushes needed every time we touch up);
8. Not booking things until the last minute (hotels, campsites, dog grooming, kennels, etc) so we can't get a good deal;
9. Missing deadlines and getting late fees;
10. Not clearing his credit card and getting charged 25% interest while the money sits in his current account;
11. Not checking reviews and/or getting scammed.

I feel as though, because I tend to "manage" our finances, he buys what he wants and doesn't care about wasting money because I'm the one who sees how much it all adds up to and I'll then respond by tightening my belt while he just carries on. For example, I've bought one pair of shoes in the past two years and he's got eight pairs of work shoes! He also bought two pairs of trainers that he won't wear and doesn't like now they've arrived.

We have had several discussions but he just doesn't think before he does things. I feel as though I'm poor when I bloody shouldn't be!

I don’t know how you can bear this. You work hard for your money and he is throwing it away. You know the value of money from your upbringing, and yet he’s hurting you by his actions.

Charm is all well and good, but if he was as empathetic as you say, he’d shape up and make some changes for your sake. And for his kids who would enjoy a treat too. You earn a huge amount and you can’t afford any treats? Sod that.

I’d suggest a clean start where you make him responsible for his disasters and give yourself a decent amount of spending. At the moment he has no need to change.

You aren’t wrong to be furious about this. I’m’comfortable’ now but had a really deprived upbringing and have worked really hard to get where I am. This sort of financial carelessness would destroy my mental health.

It must be so frustrating if he’s so reasonable about it but won’t change! It’s probably already been mentioned, but once the bills have been paid can you each have some personal spending money - then once his has gone because of his recklessness, he might learn to manage it a bit better. A bit like giving a kid pocket money 🤣

(I was a nightmare with finances in my twenties and ended up in a lot of debt and because I had to get myself out of it and no back up, my money habits changed).

I would keep the joint account for bills and get your money sent to a sole account, then send over proportionally your share to cover the bills. Your DH does the same

then he has want money he has left and you have yours. You may find you need to pay more for household stuff such as decorating etc but it will make him think about his spending

This is one of the reasons me and dh have separate accounts. I’m a spender, live for today, he’s a saver and skimps on everything, so our money management just doesn’t align. I appreciate it’s difficult when you have young children to not have pooled accounts, mine are young working adults. My dh has piles of money in his account, I spend as I earn, and have a good time doing so I might add….

He's living the perks of being married to a high earner

"Money habit definitely comes from his mother. She never worked and used men and her parents like cash machines. He definitely never learnt anything about the value of money. "

The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

You're his ATM.

Does he do this shit at work? Forgetting or missing deadlines, breaking equipment, carelessness that guarantees poor results, just generalized incompetence?

You’re accruing a large pension, still earn double what he does after doing that and you make him pay half!

if you were a man you’d be called abusive on here

Professionally successful but can’t buy lunch boxes? I wonder who is covering up his mistakes at work.

I’d split your finances so he’s more aware of what he’s spending - and you have some more control over the monthly budget.

Have a shared account that you put x or y in for household and child expenses (you’re going to be putting more in because of your higher income, but proportional) - and he can be responsible for his own credit card bill, subscriptions etc.

My DH and I have never shared finances and never will - it’s good to keep some separation IMO! It’s not like you’re leaving him skint - he must be taking home £3k a month.

He doesn’t pay half… where are you getting that from?

I don't think it's unreasonable to split finances, though I do think that having "separate finances" is a bit of a wooly concept in practice when you share the bulk of your life and expenses and frequently doesn't solve the problems people want it to.

A better/different budgeting system won't fix all of the issue, but I wonder if it might ease enough of it to be the right approach. DH and I pool our income and have a household budget that we do set together. Joint/family expenses are budgeted for/pulled from that income, as are amounts that go to savings (LT individual for us both, joint, DC related). But then we each take a set amount for our own spending and that goes into our individual accounts. That amount is used for all of our individual spending - clothes, haircuts, coffees, random gadgets or electronics, eating out or traveling not as a family, hobbies, speeding tickets, interest on any personal spending cards... and so on. We each leave the other to manage that spending however we choose and don't have to stress about it or even pay attention to it because it doesn't come out of the same pot as either the joint expenses/bills or the other's individual expenses. And if we find ourselves overspending our budget in one area of family/household expenses then the conversation is about where else in the family/household budget we're going to pull from or if we need to reduce both of our individual account draws, rather than one of us always automatically finding places in our personal spending to make it up.

I know that won't fix all of your DH's wastefulness since it does extend into family spending as well, but I wonder if it's worth a try to help de-escalate the frustration and resentment and see where you are then. It sounds like you'll likely still need to be the one pushing budget management on the joint/household spending but that may feel more manageable and less awful if it's a narrower focus and you are able to just leave him to his own devices on the rest.

Ignore me, it comes from my inability to read… apologies

Oh dear, he sounds lovely but with one big flaw. As previously suggested I would organise a monthly spends amount for each of you. When he's frittered his away on shoes tough.

I think you need to get it in writing the agreement of what would happen if you split. A binding financial agreement, post-nup, whatever it’s called.

next, you each get an account with a set amount of spending money each month. Any stupid wasteful expenditure of his has to come from that account. That way he is the one wearing the pain of those expenses. It’s where he pays for subscriptions and “bargains” that are wasted. Maybe when it’s coming out of “his” money he will start to realise just what it’s costing him.

It also allow you to spend money just for you, to buy the new shoes or whatever you want without feeling guilty.

this is what we do, and it works really well for us. We both get the same amount, regardless of who is earning what. It’s money for us to spend as we see fit, no questions asked.

I do think it’s important you split finances with him, and you each have your “spends” / un allocated money in a separate pot.

He doesn’t sound like a bad person, just very careless. The problem is, he won’t stop being careless unless he feels the consequences of his actions.

Someone scoffed at the idea of him having ADHD. Obviously we don’t know if he does or doesn’t. But I think the point is, even if he does have it, he could learn coping mechanisms, ways to live in the real world. Saying someone has ADHD isn’t a get out of jail card, but it might be a good way to work out how he can address his issues - not for you to do or manage for him or for any of us to diagnose though!

Can you not work out an equitable division of the shared bills (with you paying a higher % as the higher earner)? Both put your set amount into a joint account each month and then he pays for all of his shit from his own money that’s left while you keep the rest of your income?

Wait to see how quickly he changes when the money tree dies off.

We haven't had a holiday since before DS was born (not since 2017).

That's CRAZY. Get a holiday booked

Change how you are banking
The joint account should be core expenses only. No beano comics no parking tickets. No more bullshit.

Any "personal" expenses like speeding tickets etc that come out of joint need to be replaced / refunded to restore the joint money from his personal spends.

If he wants to be profligate with his personal spends and be so broke his card is rejected after the 7th or 8th of the month every month... thats fine. Let him "suffer"

but no holidays and a 180k pa job?
It's a no from me...

Have you both sat down and gone through your monthly expenses ? Have a bank account for bills etc then one each for your own spending money.
Would it help if he had physical cash to spent and when it’s gone it’s gone ? He needs to want to learn as you have a good family income and should be able to have a great standard of living. Have a look at mse money calculator and work out how much he wastes and how much that would be in 5, 10 , 15 years if out inot a savings account / isa .
What are his goals for the future ? Mortgage free by a certain age ? Saving for children’s university fund ? Early retirement or part time working as you both get older ? You need to have a serious chat and don’t let it drop until you have agreed to tackle it together.
Set up a Vinted account and sell unworn items?

And he sounds like a good husband but he hasn’t had good role models. You’re his role model so you need to take control and keep a certain degree of separate finances

He seems to know you both have money and is very ‘freeing’ with that. The average person would notice not cancelling a subscription if the money came out and cancel straight away - or like me put it in my calendar the day before a trial ends. I think you have good money management and you’re practical, but he seems to think that because he has the money and can afford it, then there’s no issue in his mind

DH and I have a similar salary range to you. I pay for all household expenses (mortgage, utilities, car etc) and add around a 1k to 1.5k into additional pension/savings. What I have left over is similar to DH’s take home except DH now does the food shop. We’ve only recently changed to this model from a wholly shared account because I had similar feelings to yours. It’s been surprising to see how frugal DH has become in the weekly foodshop (that we still do together) now he is paying for that from his own account. Its a worthwhile exercise.

Hard work.
You will always micromanage if you're affected.

Therefore you need to have some joint money and some personal pots which are also for fun stuff. He needs to learn that if he messes up he has less budget for his video games or golf or whatever he's into. Money he wastes like the parking fine come from there not the joint pot.

He's letting things slide because he can. It magically comes out of the joint account which you manage and put more into.
A joint account for the essentials and then your own personal ones so he can do what he wants with his money and you can see how much more you have to spend on yourself.

He's taking advantage of you and he knows it.

One joint account for household bills and separate accounts for your own spending.

When he runs out of money he might think twice about his ridiculous carelessness

Frittering away the OP’s hard earned money, leaving nothing for her, is quite a big thing…